A Letter From My Neighbor | By: Joey Petroni | | Category: Short Story - Funny Bookmark and Share

A Letter From My Neighbor

Dear ďNewĒ Neighbors

††††††††††††††† Neighbors are neighbors at least to me you have one to the left one to the right one behind you and of course many more surrounding all of them. I am your new neighbor and I need to be up front with all of you. I have plenty of friends and donít need new ones because with friends become problems and as neighbors it will be too close to home for me. So here is how I will be operating as your new neighbor.

1)††††† I will never say the words hello, but will nod an occasional hello from time to time

2)††††† I own a snow blower I underlined the word I because this exactly who will be benefiting my snow blower. I have no time to be Mr. Snow blower walking up and down the block clearing sidewalks. I will not lend my snow blower to anyone at anytime for any reason. This brings up a good point I do not lend anything to anyone at anytime.

3)††††† My wife and I always have a fully stocked kitchen which is for our use only please respect this and never come knocking asking to borrow eggs or milk I donít care if youíre making a birthday cake and are expecting company. We keep track of all of our food and only shop as needed for our sake only. We do not supply food to anyone at anytime even if your intention is to replace what you borrow.

4)††††† If you own dogs or have children we expect that you will keep the level of barks/voices to a minimum. We did not buy a house to sit around listening to unwanted noises.

5)††††† We take care of our own landscaping do not send your children to our home trying to make a buck on fallen leaves. We buy our food from stores only we are not interested in buying anything from fundraisers this includes Girl Scout cookies.

6)††††† If we unfortunately leave a car light on or a garage door open we do not need anyone knocking at our door to tell us of our own mishaps. We firmly believe that we need to learn from our own mistakes even if that means replacing a car battery.

7)††††† We donít have parties and hope that you donít have parties as well, if you do there is absolutely no parking in front of our driveway.

8)††††† If you ever see anyone on our roof trying to break in let us deal with it we need to be tuff and fight off our own intruders. Do not call the Police!

9)††††† We do not need anyone to get our garbage cans out of the streets on windy days if you see our cans up the block or in the street leave them. We will retrieve them on our own, there is no need for a ďgarbage can heroĒ Iím sure we will find them.

10)†† Simply ignore us and we will ignore you and as I promised my wife our new home will be lovely and have the feel of being in the country on acres of land private and miles away from civilization.


Pete Johnson

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