Untitled (a heartbreaking love story)
I walk endlessly down the shore, the sea mocking my conscience. I hear the waves whispering its verdict that I am wrong, further crushing the guilt embedded in my soul. I cannot cry no more for the sorrow I feel is too profound, too deep. I look up and see the scattered clouds partially dim the littered stars, tormenting the knowledge that I could never have again the love that I had and lost. I see the crescent moon staring down at me with pity, reminding of the warm and gentle smile on the face I know I could not find in anyone anymore. I turn my face away from that harsh reality, only to be greeted by a cold breeze that seemed like a blow to my already bruised self. Shivering, I pull my jacket tighter around me, forming a barricade that would keep me from the numbing agony creeping through my entire being. In the battle between the conscience and the heart, I fear that it was I who gave the victory over to conscience. And now I must bear the guilt brought by my actions. I have come to accept that destiny for I know that it is what I deserve for hurting the one being that matters to me most.
Hollow. Yes, this is what I am and what I will be for the rest of my life. For I am void of the love that was in the palm of my hands and now gone, because I let it slip from my fingers.
I continue my pace and with every step, I feel the sand sink beneath my feet, filling the spaces between my toes. I know I leave my footprints behind, only to be washed away by the sea. I shall never look back . . .
I hear footsteps muffled by the shingles, slowly coming towards me. Stop. Even though I could not see him, I know he is there. His very presence emits an aura that reaches me and touches the fathomless cave within me, igniting warmth throughout this body. My steps faltered to a stop. I slowly raise my eyes to focus on the figure standing a few yards away from me. My breath caught, I tried to swallow the lump in my throat but it felt like it was paralyzed. My pulse quickened its pace against my will. The sandals dangling from my fingers slowly slipped their way down to land beside my feet.
His white shirt is a stark contrast against the black velvety sky and once more, his beauty astonishes me. And just looking at him only added to the throbbing pain inside me, the agony of losing the exquisite creature that was once mine.
My eyes cannot meet his face for I already know what I will find thereóhatred, scorn, and disgust. And I am filled with shame. I stand there, my gaze riveted to the ground, not daring to look up for if I do, if I see into his eyes, it would shatter me to pieces. And then it all comes back to me. I can still remember that night, in this beach. This beach that was witness to our first kiss, that heeded to our whispers of love as we declared souls to each other. It was a night filled with promises of a lifetime together. Our promise that was sealed with the kiss of life and the cry of the ocean.
*Italic*Look at me, his mind silently tells me, please just look at me.*Italic*
I take in shattered breaths, gathering all the strength I need, uttering a silent prayer to God. I level my gaze to his and his eyes find mine and for a moment, time seemed to stop. There were no words, no actions, only the existence of two minds, two hearts.
I cannot find disdain or contempt on his beautiful face but only questions . . .and hope. He is hoping that I still remember the promise, hoping for my love, for a thousand lifetimes together. I search deep into his eyes and what I find there completely seizes my heart and batters my soul. All my restraint broke and my knees gave way. I collapse into a heap on my knees on the cool glittering sand, his gaze never leaving mine. I break down, helpless tears streaming down my cheeks. I bury my face in my hands, the jacket forgotten as I unconsciously loosen my grip and let it out of my hands, granting it the freedom as it flew with the wind.
A wrenched cry of tormented anguish tears from my chest as the realization strikes me. His eyes tell me that he is floundering in a depth of misery that exceeded even my own. My hands itch to touch his face, to soothe him into a dull peace for both of us. To tell him that everything is alright. But I cannot. An invisible barrier stands between us, keeping me paralyzed and unable to cross the small distance to get to his welcoming arms and be with him.
*Italic*I need to know . . . please just tell me, he silently begs.*Italic*
And right then and there, I know that I cannot suffer enough to pay for the agony I have casted upon this beautiful creature.
He is asking me, no, he is silently pleading with me to know why.
I slowly shake my head, the tears flowing from my eyes mingling with the salty air. The waves crash mercilessly on the shore, taking with it my sandals as it retreats back to the ocean. I do not care anymore for I believe that the world has already taken the most important thing from my heart. Iíve got nothing more to lose.
He moves his head in a curt nod as if to accept my decision and it is all I can do not to throw up when I saw the disappointment written all over his face.
He softens his eyes and his face was that of an angelís. A small nervous smile played across his lips. I brace my palms on the sand, my stomach turning over as I realize what he is asking of me. It has been a long time since I heard him speak and his deep strained voice played like music through my ears:
ďWill there still be a place for me in your heart? Even the smallest space will do.Ē
It is such a heartbreaking statement, his way of asking me if I still love him. And there is no denying it, the candle of my love for him still burns bright and I know it will never fade. This is what he is waiting to hear. I can feel the tension in the air touching my skin and I shiver. The silence seemed to stretch forever and I am dying to tell him the truth, to finally hold him close and have him eternally. But I hold back. It is my conscience holding me back and I face him as I breathed out in a strangled sob:
ďIím sorry. I canít.Ē
The hurt look on his face is the final blow, but still his mind is communicating with mine, telling me:
*Italic*Your know youíre the only one. I gave you my love and itís yours forever.*Italic*
And although we didnít touch, I felt his love pour through me like heat from the sun. I cannot bear the sea torture we are flowing through and so I tell him:
*Italic*Please, donít do this. You cannot love me anymore. Donít make it harder for both of us . . .*Italic*
He threw me one last long look and there I saw gleaming tears running down his face. I hear his barely audible whisper then he was gone, leaving me cold and desolate and as barren as the desert. His goodbye still echoes through my heart.
Friday, December 22, 2000