The pain in my life and what I have suffered for so long they think
know everything about me and what's going in my life know one know's
how i feel.And what i have went through as a child and becoming a teen
ager but sometimes I feel as if iam in my own own little world of pain.
But here goes the truth and what iam about to tell ya'll when I was
about 4 yearsold everything seemed as if we where all happy again.
Before I was born my mom was pregnant with a baby boy but she could
not have him she lost that baby that year my mom was on drugs before
and she had any kids.And before I was born she had 3 other kids but was
still using drugs at the time and when she was pregnant with me.
She drunk and smoked weed but she did not know she was pregnant
at the time with me intil she went into treatment to get off drugs.
And that's when she found out when i was born i weighed 1 pound and
eight ounces i was called the miracle.baby because they didn't think
I was going to live up to full term but my mama hadme at 5 months.
But when I was 2yearsold my got married to a bastard who beat own
her and who beat own us kids oneday him and my mama got into a fight.
And the people next door called the cops on him and my mama and
they where gonna take us from her but our granny came and got us.
And they said we could't live with her intil she left him and
she did she got off the drugs she was doing cocaine at the time.
But when I got 4 everything was going so good intil my uncle's
ex girlfriend burned down our house he broke up with her so she got
even. Then my mama got into alot of trouble and got 5 years in prison.
When i was only 4 but that wasn't all that happend my neighbor raped
me and my cousin made me touch his private part and that was alot.
Fof me to handle at age 4 cause didn't know what was going on at
that point so I blocked it all out of my head I wanted to forget.
It ever happend yeah my mama got out of prison but that still didn't
help my problem. I started popping my mama pills at the age of nine
and that's where all my problems came I already had behavior problem.
But that wasn't why started taking her pills it was cause of what
happend ti me.As a toodler growing up with that kind of pain can
made me have low selfesteem the pills helped me for get I told my
mama about what happend with my cousin but not about the neighbor.
My life changed when happend to me bit the first time ever started
taken my mama pills was in I was 8 and evrything but at 10 the pills.
Got in my life they controled me at 11 I got my period I ws still taken
my mama pills at the time I ranaway from home because I didn't know
how to tell.My mama what I was doing with her medicine before my travel
I took some of her pills then I left there was know way I was turning
back and going home I had go I had to leave I couldn't face myself.
At that time in my life when I was 13 i met this boy name Chris he
made feel like I didn't have to blame every boy because of what happend.
He made me feel for the first time in my life I didn't have to be afraid
to love someone and that made me feel breave about myself we went together.
But I became afraid doing everything in my power to make him break up with
me.We kissed and that just took the spark there I know I was in love
with this guy.And he broke up with me but that was how I wanted to be
I was scared of being in love because I never had that fucking feeling.
Befoe in my life and when I was 14 I started having with boys I didn't
know at all the 3 boys I didn't know but the 4 boy I knew him I had oral.
Sex with 4 boys one of whom was one of the boys i did something with
the other 2 I knew but the other 2 I didn't know everything.In my life
at the point was nothing to anymore as for Chris but we broke up
and a part of me wish I could go back and stop myself from having sex.
But I can't change was has already happen in my life I thought I wanted a
a kid at 14 but I was wrong my life was so fucking srewed up already
I couldn't bring a kid into this world.At my age I don't even know how to
take care of my self let a long have a baby iam 15 now and I my
life is still kinda fucked up I drind and smoke newports and weed.