My Secret
Sometimes when you get down on you life or tired of the same mundane experiences we set out to try and change things a little. That is what I have been going through for some time. Life before marriage was a fun filled adventure for me from my teen years until I married at the age of 23. I noticed I really began to change as a person. I once was happy full of life and willing to try anything at least once. I can’t really say some of the things I did try were not beneficial or accepted things to do. Although, I would not live with the regret that I never tried it. We continually make mistakes in our lives, most of these we live with because in fact there is nothing we can do to change them. I have only one regret that I can actually recall. That regret is the one that eats away at my soul each day. It was years ago although I remember as if it were yesterday.
It all started at a party I had attended on New Years Eve I was taken with some friends of mine to this party. I had just broken up with my boyfriend and really could have used some cheering up. When we arrived at the party the first thing that caught my eye was a tall blue eyed man standing in the kitchen. I heart fell to the floor. I can’t really explain the feeling I had but it was a deep soulful feeling. We proceed to the other room and I had asked the others I was with who this man was. I knew I had seen him before but couldn’t place him. It was actually my friend’s cousin, but to my despair he was already married. There were offers made that night but I could not bring myself to actually do this to another woman. If I had known then what I know now it would have all been different. After we left the party and proceeded home I do recall having a conversation with my friends that if his marital status were to change I would gladly pursue the offer. I can remember thinking I would never want another woman to do this to me if I had been married. Things can get very out of control in situations like that and at the time I wanted no part of it.
Every time I would visit or talk to my friends I would bring him up in conversation. The first thing I would ask was he still married. Of course nothing changed and I recall regretting what I had turned down a few months after. Months drug on and I continued dating but never could get him out of my mind. I figured I had best get on with my life after all I wasn’t getting any younger. I went through many boyfriends at that time. I know why I did; I couldn’t keep my mind off of what I really and truly wanted. But I kept thinking this must only be an infatuation I had. After about the 8th guy I dated I finally decided to give it more than a week. I dated him for about 6 months. He was good to me bought me lots of nice things, in fact every time we went out he showed up with an expensive gift for me. There were two problems with him, one which was I kept getting the feeling he was wanting me to sleep with his boss. I had noticed every time we would go out with him the boss wanted to come and alone without his wife I might add. It seemed I always had to sit beside him and before each date if the boss was attending at dinner I was told to be really nice to him. You see this man I had been dating was trying to climb to the top at work quickly. Although nothing ever came of any of it he actually did go to the top. Well I got tired of this rather quickly so after 6 months I broke it off. After that I went back to the same routine of going out on one date and then no more. Continually I had asked my friends about this man and was continually told the same thing. He was still in fact married.
Then one day I was working and this man walked into the door. There was a bet made while he was looking around that I couldn’t get this guy to go out with me that night. Well when he came to the counter I made the offer which was declined. Never before had I been turned down, I was humiliated. So I quickly regained my dignity with the next unattached man who came in. This one they were telling me he would not go out with anyone he was quite the stud. I waited for him to come to the counter and struck up a conversation with him. I told him we were having a party at a friend of mines house and would be glad if he would attend with me. My offer worked this time and the bet was double or nothing. So let’s say quite a bit of money passed around that day. I went out with him two times and was suppose to go again the following weekend. Then I received a call from the first one who turned me down. He explained to me he was dating someone at the time and did not feel right about dating more than one woman at a time. I actually respected this but did give him a hard time about the refusal the first time. Well we went out and before I knew it he was visiting me every day this went on for 6 months. I had given up all hope on the one I truly and deeply wanted so I tried to put him out of my head. Within 1 ½ years we were married.
Things went well the first six months then I noticed one day this is not the man I should be with. He was very jealous, and demanding. He didn’t want me to hold his hand in public or sit too close. I began to feel as if I had somehow grown ugly and he didn’t want to be seen with me. He stayed gone all the time and when he was home he was always on my back about one thing or another. I began to go out of my way to try to keep him from yelling continually at me but nothing I did was ever right. No matter how hard I tried I could not satisfy my husband. I grew to think I was a failure. I gained weight, didn’t care how I looked, and basically stopped going out all together. The times we did go out we would either go to my friends house or to his friends. There were lots of parties which I was really blessed out afterward with his friends because maybe I had spoken to a man too long and stayed where the men were and not the women. He never quite understood me I guess. The women were bragging on their husbands and the things they would say about how good they were looking or how well they kept the house. I didn’t receive compliments of this nature, because like I said nothing I did was right. After the first year I was put on medication for a rapid heart rate. The doctors did not know why this suddenly started but I knew. I continually worried he would not want what I had cooked for dinner or something would be messed up in the house, or someone might look at me the wrong way. I walked a fine line, when this happens; take it from me the stress involved is tremendous. The medication I was placed on was not the best thing for me at the time due to the side effects. I stayed exhausted constantly I didn’t care about anything or anyone any more. I could of became a hermit and enjoyed every minute of it. I had only one close friend and she had stood by me for years. Friends like her are few and far between. I had spoken to her on many occasions about it. She kept telling me to tell him. What she didn’t know was there were times I tried to talk to him but it always began a yelling match and I would walk to the end of the earth to avoid an argument. He had a temper and I would try not to provoke it what so ever.
After 5 years of this I decided I was going to save up what I could and leave. I seemed a lot happier thinking one day I could be free of this. The problem was there was so little money at the time it was hard to put back any of it. Then I got the worse news in the world. The man I had always truly wanted had left his wife and was engaged to be married. This was it for me. The stopping point because what I was thinking was if the offer might still stand and I would be free to make the choice once again. This was the breaking point in my life. The lady he was to marry had 3 kids and surely if he was to marry her he must truly be in love. I can remember crying that night after I went to bed. I could always find someone else but someone who had stuck in my soul so long it was a hard fact to face. I never forgot his eyes they are burned in my head forever. The first and last time I had seen him that’s what I remember the most. Throughout the years I had asked and heard about him that’s what would come into my mind. Eyes of passion, honesty and deep caring, I could blame no one but myself for this and life really did change for me then.
After the news I never asked about him again nor did my friends ever speak of him. Well three years passed and things got worse for me every day. I was a mental mess, it’s as if I had no hope left everything in live was no use to me any longer. I would just go along with whatever anyone said or asked of me and kept my head down. That was all that I had was what others wanted of me. Then I got found out I was pregnant, this too was devastating to me. This was the last thing I ever wanted especially now. I could get through a day without breaking down and crying at some point in the day. I recall begging God not to let this happen I could not handle it now. My personality changed dramatically I was angry all the time I could of actually killed someone with my bare hands if they crossed me. This was written off as hormones, but this was not the case. I didn’t want to be pregnant my husband didn’t care for me how could I bring a child into this situation. Well time passed and with a threat to the doctor labor was induced and I had a little girl. I know I was relieved this was over and there was a little glimmer of hope. It wasn’t long before I knew different.
When we brought her home I never got to hold her. My husband would not even leave me in a room by myself with her for the first two weeks. He held her constantly, when I would try to take her he would say no I want to hold her. This was my last glimmer of hope and now it seemed it had faded also. Strange thing hope, some people constantly have it something that sticks with them and never really leave them. I could not seem to hold onto it no matter how hard I tried. For the first year of her life I had the fact thrown up to me so many times that I never wanted her. He wanted her, maybe for the wrong reasons maybe not. Was this just someone else he could control? Only time would tell, I do have to hand it to him he was a good father. He loved her so much and continually wanted to be with her. I did too but because of my issues with not having children he made me feel distant from her. No one not even my closest friends could I express my true feelings too. I had tried and but it seemed I could never really explain my feelings to them to make them see what I truly felt. I had no one to turn to and no one to rely on in my time of need. Then I turned to writing, this was a true passion for me I could write down my feelings and it seemed to help at the time. I have written several books but the problem was no one could ever read them. Therefore they all went into the dumpster upon completion. My last book was the hardest for me to destroy. I was a novel of how I wish things had of turned out. The one truly good book I had written but could never be read by anyone who knew me. There were facts along with the fiction but all to close to home for it to be seen.
By the time Cassie was 4 years old she began to play ball, she enjoyed every minute of it. She was a good player and had a real passion for the sport. We started her playing in the town beside us and she made lots of new friends. Her and her Daddy spent lots of time together. I was always criticized for wanting to go out for a night with out her and spend time with my husband hoping to save some piece of our marriage but he never wanted to leave her. I spend all my time working at home and the office spent long hours at work so I would not have to deal with the complaints there. After a while of the long hard hours at work I got my first promotion, with a modest raise. I began to dig in deep and learn all I could. This was my new pet project it gave me hope and something to take my mind off everything else. The after tee ball sign ups I got a call from one of the coaches from Cassie’s team. I thought I might faint when I looked at the caller ID and there he was again. I was shaking when I answered the phone I know my voice was shaking just as bad. I didn’t let on I knew who he was I couldn’t think enough to answer the questions he was asking about the numbers for the ball shits. I felt so funny there are no words to describe it. I still don’t know what it is about him. Well ball began and there he was I know I was staring at him but I never meant to. I cant help myself I don’t know how to explain it. I had spoken to his wife during the games, she was a fun person to be around I began to enjoy her company. Then came the end of the season, I remember how my life seemed empty again after this. But to my joy came the All Stars this was another time I could see him. I was elated. Well we began to do things with them outside of ball games and really became good friends. I tried to become good friends with his wife in hopes the feelings I had would go away. I did become friends with her but my feelings for him would not go away. Again I was confused as to what the feelings actually were. We started camping with them and we always had a good time, although I noticed my husband would never really let this man and I be alone at any given time. This became worse as the months went by. I had questioned him about this and his answer to me was he propositioned you before a long time ago and he might again. I told my husband he must be crazy he had a pretty wife who was also younger than me why would he ever want me. So that was the end of that conversation. I began to notice after this he was actually looking at me. This really set things off, it actually gave me a little boost of self confidence something I had not had in years. I had let my self go downhill so long. I remember seeing a different person in the mirror when I looked. I fixed up more, curled my hair dressed better and lost a lot of weight.
With this came looks from other men, these also caused problems at home. If I were getting dressed to go out my husband would always ask me why you are fixing up. Did he actually like for his wife to look bad, did this give him some kind of security in knowing no one would look at me. I truly believe this was his thinking. I had ignored what he said and kept doing what I was doing. Then it all started one night playing cards. I was sitting beside him with my husband at the other end of the table. I happened to bump his leg then the next thing I knew I couldn’t seem to keep my leg off him. What was I doing I had not touched another man since I had been married. I couldn’t believe what I had done. I thought about it all weekend couldn’t stop thinking about it. So first thing Monday morning I called him to apologize. The apology was meet with I didn’t mind it at all attitude by him. I didn’t know what to think of this. Then the next thing I knew we were talking on the internet very provocatively this was the deepest turn on for me I had ever experienced. I don’t recall how long the conversations went on but eventually there were meetings. This situation was really starting to wake up what had been lying in state inside of me for years. The passion I thought had died was still there. It was a spark to start with and then it began to grow so rapidly I thought I would bust. I wanted to scream to the world I was still alive and I felt wonderful. What was the most interesting thing about the whole situation were just the kisses and the touching sparked this, nothing more. When he held me in his arms I felt as thought I could take on the entire world. What were these feelings, how did I feel, its as if I had no feelings for so long I no longer knew what they were or how to pursue them.
Now that I have actually been touched and held by him it will never be out of my system. I long for more and more of him. I can’t take my eyes off of him; I am at the point where I have to make a decision. I try to schedule my weekends so I can see him. I go home the long way in hopes I may catch a glimpse of him on the road. I wish I could put on paper how he makes me feel inside but there is no way I can. Words are not appropriate for what I feel. A look from him can cause my body to shake and it takes my breath away. There is a look in his eyes when he does this. What is the look in his eye, what does he feel when he looks at me? How will I ever know? We have discussed the longing for each other and neither of us knows what it is or where it comes from. It’s amazing how things like this come up from time to time in life. One minute I was hopelessly searching for some small glimmer of hope to go on in this life. My life was vague and meaningless. Then this happens and gives me something to get up for in the mornings, just hoping to catch a glimpse of him, or hear a song on the radio that reminds me of him. I don’t know if anything will ever come of it. I can’t answer that, but at least for the time being it is a wonderful feeling and helps me cope with every waking day. That’s the most we can ask in life isn’t it, just a small something that keeps us content and happy.
