compASSionate conservatism | By: Scott Crowder | | Category: Short Story - Depressing Bookmark and Share

compASSionate conservatism

After shoving cattle prods up the asses of 7000 Iraqi prisoners,
the Department of Defense has announced today that they did not find
any Al-qaida operatives hiding in the Iraqi's rectums. And by
measuring the size of the Iraqi's pre-bored anuses, the
State Department has concluded that it is highly unlikely there were ever
Al-qaida operatives hiding in Iraqi ass-holes. Due to the recent
findings, the Army has released 500 of the prisoners but has told the
remaining prisoners that they plan to probe deeper.

In an un-related story, The Halliburton Corporation has denied allegations
that VP Dick Cheney is secretly running Halliburton from his desk
at the White House. A Halliburton spokesperson was quoted as saying
"Running Halliburton from the White House?, of course not, everyone
knows that Cheney's secret lair is in Pennsylvania...."

On a lighter note, the attorney for a US Army soldier who is charged in
the Abu-Ghraib torture scandal, has requested that he be allowed to
question Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, at his client’s
court-martial trial. Mr. Rumsfeld has reportedly responded by stating
that the attorney doesn’t seem to have his head on straight. Which is
happening a lot in the Middle East these days.

And finally, President George W. Bush did not issue any press releases
and was not quoted, in any way, on Sunday June 20, 2004. It is said to
be the first day, since January 20, 2001, that the President has not
lied to or mis-led the American public.
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