Total Duncan - Chapter 1: The Beginning | By: Total Duncan | | Category: Short Story - Comedy Bookmark and Share

Total Duncan - Chapter 1: The Beginning

Total Duncan - Chapter 1: The Beginning

Duncan was an idiot. And wore stupid glasses.

That was all anyone would ever say about him. Until one day in an etheral realm (even though days are not a reliable form of time keeping in a place such as this), two deities were discussing the fate of mankind.

"British people still have ugly teeth, Jesus", said Muhammad, "You promised that you would sort that out."

Jesus turned to Muhammad with a mixture of surprise and anger. He didn't like the Prophet, for he was astonishingly good-looking and had long golden hair which flicked perfectly in the wind. Jesus, in comparison, looked like a Woodstock extra.

"I told you that I already gave them the ability to say any little bit of bollocks that they want, and as long as they brand it as 'British Comedy', the rest of the world will applaud and respect it. Nice teeth would go against that."

"You know that was an accident, Jesus!", Muhammad glared as he spoke, "Everytime you attempt a plan to convert them back to Christianity, you end up giving them something to make fun out of instead. Such as your attempt to clone yourself and send it to Earth as a claim to the Second Coming. You can't take credit for getting the formula wrong and creating Jonathen Ross instead."

Suddenly, an etheral door bursts open with an etheral thud (Kind of like a normal thud, but softer and more dreamy sounding), and an etheral figure entered the etheral room (which has no walls), making etheral footstep sounds as he approached.

Jesus turned to the figure, "Ah, it is our newest recruit. How is your training going to becoming a God?".

"Very well", replied Steve Jobs, "And I also do not feel the need to speak to you, Jesus, as I already have more followers than you. I am here to speak to Muhammad instead."

"You little swine! I will tell Daddy on you!", cried Jesus as he ran out of the room in tears like a little girl.

Steve turned to Muhammad, "I have devised a plan. I can not truly become a God until I have my equivalent to Satan. I would like to cause Bill Gates to do something against my teachings so I can banish him to a horrible realm, something like a world where you can only find MP3 players with physical buttons and where they cost less than £200, where he will rule over similar souls who never installed iTunes."

"Are you sure Bill Gates is the right choice?"

Steve slams his hands onto the etheral table, "Of course! He is perfect! He never ever talks about me, just like Satanists never talk about Jesus. And also, all of my teachings focus more on how bad Windows is rather than on how good Macs are. Just like the Bible!"

"I see", Muhammad ponders, "It is also similar to you talking bad about Windows, and then creating a Macbook which supports it. Similar to God saying killing is bad before flooding the entire Earth. You are right, it is a good match."

"I am glad you see my point of view, so let's discuss the details..."


Duncan was having a good day. He had only cost the company he worked for £50,000 loss in profits this week through a stupid mistake. This meant the company was up 5% from last week when he had done an even more monumental mistake.

Suddenly, A figure appeared before him. It was a beautiful woman! Ok, maybe not beautiful, but not bad looking. Well, it was a woman at least.

"My child, I am Jesus. I require your assistance!"

Duncan looked in shock, "You're real? I thought you were just the figment of some nutcase's imagination!"

Jesus smiled, "Are we not all just the figment of someone's imagination, my child?"

"No we're not, you fucking retard. Jesus Christ! What kind of idiot are you?"

Jesus began to cry and ran away. Unfortunately, he ran into the path of Bus 107 towards High Barnet, and was killed instantly. Normally, this would not have been a problem for the son of God, but he had forgotten to establish an etheral link to Heaven, which was his trick for resurrection. As his body ripped apart, all the godly powers which stupid humans throughout history had given him through continuous prayer escaped and quickly looked for a new host.

That host happened to be Duncan.

Bright steams of light erupted from the messy remains on the street and shot straight into Duncan, who was lifted a few centremeters into the air by the immense power which fate had now granted him.

It was too much for Duncan who immediately fainted.


Somewhere in Uganda, Bill Gates was finishing up his latest act of goodwill. The kind of goodwill act that proves you can only truly be seen as a good person if you have a shit load of money.

"I am such a good person for buying new school uniforms for all the children in this village", mused Bill happily. For he knew the world worked as thus: It is only about the quantity of giving, not the percentage taken from the source. That story in the bible about the poor guy who gave something like two coins to the church being more charitable than the wealthy guy who gave thousands? Bollocks. The world just likes bigger numbers.

"And now for my gift for the teachers!", Bill Gates reached into his bag, made out of the rare hide of a now-extinct HippoCroc, and which costs about the same price as the country of Portugal. "Here, take this, Mr Sipho!"

Bill hands Mr. Sipho a brand new Samsung Galaxy tablet for his teachings.

An explosion of light erupts out of no where, and there stood Steve Jobs.

"Bill Gates, I banish you for worshipping false idols instead of the one true iPad! On top of that, you are spreading this evilness to other people by giving it away! These poor people have never had the chance to see the true form of iPad, and you are taking advantage of that to make them use false tablets!".

"But Mr Jobs, sir," Mr Sipho interrupted, "This tablet be more cheap for maintaining, and therefore more likely for whole of country to adopt."

"HEATHEN!!!!!!!", cried Steve Jobs angrily. "I banish you all to the land of Sony MP3 Players, where you will be forced to use Amazon's shitty one-click online service if you want more songs!"

And with a flash, Bill Gates and the entire population of Uganda (And Wales) disappeared.


"Good morning, everyone," the 72-year-old BBC Breakfast presenter, Anne Al Diver started, "News of Uganda's disappearance has shocked the world all over. We have Wayne King live in the country now to report."

"Thank you, Anne. Yes, I am here on scene in what used to be Uganda's busiest bunch of huts. As you can see behind me, it is completely empty. Everyone has disappeared with no trace of what happened."

"That is scary, Wayne. Are there not also rumours that the same has happened to Wales?", asked Anne, who is really old and shouldn't be on morning television.

"There are rumours, but no news team has cared enough to check. And we can't check ourselves because we have no more budget. In fact, BBC can't afford to bring me back home, so I have to go now to sell myself for a bit over in Somalia to try earn a spot of cash for food. Over to you, Anne."

"Thank you, Wayne", Anne said, turning back to the main cameras, causing the entire british nation to vomit because they REALLY shouldn't have to see such old people at 6:47 in the morning while trying to eat breakfast. "In other news, David Cameron has actually managed to get President Obama to glance his way by sneaking into a Basketball match in America, dressed as a Hot Dog seller."


As Duncan wakes up and looks around, he notices he is in hospital.

"What's going on?", he says out loud.

A voice answers him, "The world is in trouble, Duncan."

Duncan turns and sees the faint outlines of someone sitting in a chair across the room. The dark figure continues to speak, "And what everyone needs right now, is a hero."

Duncan farted.

To be continued...

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