2012 Explained | By: Andre Roux Barendse | | Category: Short Story - Comedy Bookmark and Share

2012 Explained





2012 Explained


The world will indeed end, prematurely, 4 days before Christmas 2012. Although I’m not a particularly well known

scientist I am at least 1 years and 4 months ahead of my time.

The apocalypse business is serious business. One might argue that the end of the world is really the end of all

relevance, or the importance of everything. It should be seen really as the date when we really should not worry about

anything… but let me tell you. Things are not as simple.

Getting the Apocalypse date wrong, for instance, can have dire consequences. I’ve made a list:

1. The Post-Apocalyptic hangover. Nothing disappoints more than drinking for the occasion, only to find out

the next day that once again, you… will have to nurse your hangover, in your earthly body, on noisy, grumpy

earth with no apocalypse whatsoever. Although drinking hard on the night of the apocalypse is sheer genius

[because you’ll be circumventing the mother of all hangovers] getting the date wrong can be devastating.

2. The Post-Apocalyptic budget. You guessed it. You blew all your money on booze or that Pink Floyd CD you

always wanted to have. No monies left for food, petrol. Your wife will be giving you hell for the rest of the


3. Higher insurance rates. Yep… You guessed it. Recless behavior again will take its toll on the indulgences


Actually, as you can see, getting the date wrong can be “reverse apocalypse”. In other words… the date at which you

start worrying about just about everything.

Having seen quite a few failed Apocalypses [



Notice how clumsy that sounds. No plural form for Apocalypse… By now

we should know better




] turn ugly, I’ve decided to formulate a prediction verification guide, so that others may enjoy a

more pleasant, problem free apocalypse.

Like everything in life, getting our expiry date right, requires that one look at the bigger picture.

Year 2000 predicted the end because computers would fail or banks would fail. Honestly… so what? That’s small time

thinking. Even if it did happen, some geek somewhere would have fixed the problem in 30 seconds and is retiring on

his own island and is being served by supermodels in bikinis. [ps… geek. If you’re reading this. If I catch you I’m

going to kill you].

Others base their arguments on the return of the Christ… but at the same time say that God is everywhere. How can the

Christ return if he is already here? Others still recon that the minions of the dark side would rise up against the

inhabitants of earth. One thing you can count on when dealing with the dark side, is disobedience. If satan yelled in

hell: Come on boys… its time for apocalypse, half of them would flat out ignore him. To begin with… the people there

are people who have problems with authority. They are resistant and rebellious. I mean what is he going to do… throw

them in hell? I don’t think you can organize anything in hell. I can just see how everybody in hell will just laugh their

flaming heads off. LOL. How will thousands of years of sinners and all pets [pets apparently don’t go to heaven when

they die] fit on earth at the same time? Has anybody done the math on this? Although the vision of a flaming T-Rex

can be scary... I don’t think it’s economically viable from that perspective. Disobedient people are going to want


Lately we derived our end date off expired Mayans predicting our end… when in fact they got their end date wrong.

Mayans just disappeared. No prediction. They’re just gone. What the fuck happened there? Did they perhaps get

something else wrong too? I’m thinking apocalyptic hangover. I can see some shaman getting his shooter mix wrong in

the heat of the moment and wiping out the whole race.

Earth magnetic pole reversal. Apart from my electric razor jamming in my face on the morning of the apocalypse, I

don’t see the relevance here. People have dug up enough evidence to suggest that pole reversals don’t end earth… but I

am a man of science. What if pole reversals coincided with planetary alignments on the date when Mayans accidentally

predicted our expiry accurately, while the age of Pisces ended, Aquarius began and solar flares reached maximum


Is that feasibility? The answer is … hell no! This time it cannot be, because the whole thing is too silly, right?

Wrong. Earth will end on that date and here are the reasons:

1. There are many 1, 2’s in that date. Many 1’s would suggest a beginning… many 1, 2’s suggest the end.

Check it out 21/12/2012. Uncanny except for the zero!

2. The element of surprise. God works in mysterious ways [Just look at the octopus]. Just when you think the

end cannot happen because it is too silly… expect octopus thinking. God will snap his fingers and kaboom.

Billions of people screaming in flames going supernova through the galaxy. Some popcorn and a view from

the moon or mars might actually go down pretty cool… There’s a market there.

3. The Emerald Tablet. Because the emerald tablet has not been drawn into this equation it’s bound to be

relevant. Does mankind deserve to live? If God plays out his hand it would be for some irrelevant reason such

as morality or decency or some touchy feely bullshit. He might just pull the plug because we’re not nice

people. Which is something we desperately want to avoid at all cost. Hell is pretty crowded already.

This brings us to the preparations for the party. If we deserve to die, we need to cheat desperately. This is how the scam

should work.

Objectives: we want to party without God catching on that we know its end times; otherwise it will be postponed

again. If he knows we know, the element of surprise lost. Apocalypses need to be scary. So the element of surprise is

important for a deity. This is why 21 December is so brilliantly timed. That’s exactly when people start scuttling for

Christmas and more importantly… booze shopping. At this point… or the day before rather. We start shopping… only

this year all the kids are getting booze for Christmas. This way we stock up on booze for an apocalypse party… without

it showing. Letting God think he has the element of surprise will help us avoid Post-Apocalyptic hangover… The sheer


The next part in our plan is trickier: Getting into heaven. This may be more difficult. Remember that Christ said that

it’s more likely for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle, than it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom. So for this

year… make sure you blow it all on booze. Don’t have any money left anywhere. Go through the couches, car’s ashtray

etc. This is one thing in life you don’t want to get wrong. Nothing sucks more than a post-apocalyptic hangover and a

wife bitching that you’ve blown all your month’s food monies on booze, only to go reflect on it in hell with a hangover.

Don’t slip up.

Now… getting through the pearly gates while possibly stinking of booze. This is where it gets difficult. If all of us stink

of booze and peppermints while breaking all the ceramic ornaments in reception, God’s mood may already be tipping

towards the lazy side of patience and positivity. Getting past those gates may be the most difficult thing you’ll ever do

in life… but it’s worth it.

When you are asked:

What is the most important thing in life?

You must answer the following:

I must take responsibility for the love in the world!

If you hiccup here, and your kid is crying beside you for not getting anything for Christmas, you’re fucked.

So do this with a straight face and say it like you mean it. This will give you the benefit of the doubt.

But doubt is not enough… Then, to verify, you will be asked:

Should you [sniff, sniff] forgive others if they don’t take responsibility for the love in the world?

You must then answer:

Yes Lord. The love must never be tainted with judgment or fear! (I told you… ahead of my time)

This plays the ball back into the court of God, who has to acknowledge that judgment and fear of a negative

stereotype… actually destroys the social love and higher love for all. For love to remain unconditional there can never

be emotional borders or judgment of others. By labeling others negatively they become hurt and anti-social. This taints

the love. With God everybody is in and differences are healed with love and coordination. If you pull a nationalism,

racism, patriotism, Apartheid or a Black Pride move at the reception of the pearly gates you’ve dropped the ball.

And this friends… is how you make the most of the apocalypse. Then, if I don’t see you there, expect a rather lengthy

rehab. Come visit again for tips on sneaking booze into heaven.

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