Broken

I walked ten thousand miles carrying you on my back,

My feet bare and bleeding as the glass cut them to shreds,

Knowing that if I put you down my pain would stop

And I could attend to my wounds.

But though you weighed heavily on my heart and my soul

It was a burden I welcomed; I even welcomed the pain --

Every sharp stab and sliver of glass reminding me

That I was saving you from enduring the same;

And happy to take your pain, to save your heart

Though my own cried out piteously for rest.

Love endures any hardship, faces any challenge

Even if there seems no reward at the end.

Love survives and persists like the hardiest shoot at winter,

Doggedly holding up its head to the sun, waiting for summer,

Waiting for the first gentle kiss of a spring breeze,

Waiting for the ice and the snow to melt away,

For the harsh chill to recede and the sun to shine.

I waited through fifteen winters, I watched for the sunshine;

I waited for the warm breeze, prayed for the soft rains,

But spring never arrived.

So I lived in a permanent winter, my face turned towards the sun,

But the sun would not turn its radiant face towards me.

There were times when I foolishly thought that winter was over,

But it always closed its dark cloak about me,

Having teased me with a tantalising glimpse of what could have been

If only the clouds would roll away,

But they never did.

And my love, surviving in the harshest of climes, cried its snowflake tears

And asked why you treated me as you did.

And the wind, sighing in the trees of my loneliness, and the hard stars above me every night

Made no reply.

But love and hope (and, let’s be honest, a stubborn refusal to see) together are a potent force;

And my heart went on, telling me that things would be better, that things would change.

I allowed you so many excuses that I forgot half of them

And ended up blaming myself.

And I thought of the men you had known, who had hurt you so much ---

Knowing that I would never do such a thing

I couldn’t understand why you cared so little for my feelings.

The phone became an enemy, and I dreaded its ringing in case it was you:

And yet I still hoped it would be.

If I rang you, I rehearsed what I had to say, and prayed you would welcome the call.

When you often didn’t, my heart broke in pieces

And once again

I picked up the shattered fragments,

Glued them together,

And added to the growing tally of the hurt I experienced just by loving you.

You were my first thought in the morning and my last at night,

And I always worried that you were okay.

But you never called to ask how I was, not once:

I used to wonder if you cared at all.

I think that perhaps, some years ago, you did,

But you don’t now.

My phone is silent now.

It was the little things that hurt, and that I always excused.

I told myself I was being silly, or had done the wrong thing.

But you changed like the wind --- one day happy to hear from me, the next annoyed:

How can anyone live with that?

I used to live for your phone calls --- a visit from you would be like a birthday present

(One year, it was).

I wanted to hold your hand, put my arm around you, but knew I couldn’t

So I didn’t.

But that wasn’t enough for you.

My heart was your home, if you wanted it, but you’d rather live in a box

That you’ve built and reinforced around yourself

Till at last no-one can get near.

My heart was your home, but I’m foreclosing, and I have no moustache to twirl.

You’ve been a part of my world most of my adult life:

You’ve been my world for that long, but now it’s all come crashing down in flames

And my heart is in Intensive Care, fighting for its life.

But I will survive.

It’ll take a very long time, but eventually I’ll get over you, and reclaim my soul:

It was yours for the taking, but that contract has been broken.

I’ll never see the world again through your eyes, you’ll never see it through mine.

The world I thought we’d share together is a cold and lonely place now

And I take no comfort from the fact that it’s cold and lonely for you too.

Well, in all honesty, it probably isn’t

And that in its way hurts even more.

I would have given you the world,

I would have given up the world for you,

But I no longer have the strength to carry your world on my shoulders,

Not when you keep spreading broken glass before me.

I can’t walk any further.

My soul is exhausted.

I need to rest.

My heart is broken.

But the worst and most malignant and hurtful voice is that which is silent ---

The telephone that doesn’t ring.

The doorbell that doesn’t chime.

The card that never comes.

The presents gathering dust.

The bank account, greedily and thanklessly swallowing my money.

The promises ---

So many promises

Heartlessly

Thoughtlessly

Callously

Casually broken.

You weren’t there for me in my hour of greatest need, but I was there for you.

I held you in the chapel as you cried ---

I cried alone as I sat in the church with my family.

And even the man I later came to despise on your behalf was there.

But not you.

I didn’t use that excuse --- when you needed me I was there,

Though it broke my heart to see you crying.

You couldn’t do even that for me.

Not even the dead can compete with you.

Of course I’ll be blamed for it all, and some blame I do accept,

But not all.

But you will see yourself the innocent party, and I the villain ---

Again, I have no moustache to twirl:

Make of that what you will.

I’ll cry over you, perhaps for a long time --- your photo no longer greets me in the morning

Nor smiles at me at night.

And you’ve been replaced on my computer screen by a vast, empty, uncaring universe:

I’ve changed all my passwords,

And I’ve padlocked my heart to keep you out,

Though I know you’ve no intention of entering.

So here it ends: after a decade and a half of standing by your side,

Helping you through and taking your part,

Walking that lonely road with you when no-one else would.

You’ve mugged me and left me bleeding and helpless in the laneway.

Running from the reasons, running from the things you don’t want to face:

Running from responsibility, running from kindness,

Running from friendship, running from love.

I’ll recover, but it’s clear to me now that you’ll always be broken.