Messy and Nessy | By: Jess Parker | | Category: Short Story - Funny Bookmark and Share

Messy and Nessy

Messy and Nessy
Jess Parker

Friends, did I ever tell you about meeting Big Foot and the Loch Ness monster?
One morning I was walking a trail in the Olympic Mountains in Northwest Washington, State that is, because that other Washington has all sorts of strange creatures walking around. As I moved up the trail I began to hear distant sounds. I hesitated but slowly walked further up the slope and the noises become more distinct. At times they resembled words, but then they would become guttural snarls. Then I began smelling a terrible odor that came on the light breeze. I froze—the stories about sightings of the creature called Big Foot always included a mention of an awful smell. I cautiously rounded a bend in the trail--THERE HE WAS—on his hands and knees trying to catch a snake.
The big giant looked up at me and snarled, “Help catch serpent.” Well let me tell you, I did not hesitate. I grabbed that snake and noticed that a four-wheel drive vehicle had run over him and left tread marks across his back. The giant reached over and gently took the snake and with tears in his eyes, he said as he thumped his chest, “Big Foot,” then he lifted the snake and said, “Serpent.”
I did not see Big Foot for a long, long time. On another trip to the Olympic Mountains, I started the climb in the foothills. Whiskey Bend was my starting point and where I left my vehicle. In about an hour I heard Big Foot and could smell him at the same time. We met on the trail and he picked me up in a big hug. Now friends, that was something special. He smelled so bad I almost fainted but his friendship become something special. He started climbing and I followed him to his lair high in the Olympic Range. He entered the cave and when I stuck my head in I almost vomited. The smell was something awful and back against the wall, on a ledge, was the biggest snake I had ever seen. I swear that probing tongue wrapped around my leg and the look in that snake’s eyes was a hungry stare. Big Foot laughed when he noticed my fearful attitude and said as he lifted the weaving head, “Serpent, Serpent.” Sure enough I could see the tire tread scars up and down the length of the snake.
To make a long story short, Big Foot asked me to go on a trip. I refused until he took a bath and I introduced him to soap. There was an icy mountain lake near by and he really enjoyed his first bath. He would sniff an armpit and laugh with big foot glee. He was so happy when he came out of the lake, he threw me in and I didn’t want a bath in that freezing water, but my buddy wouldn’t let me out until I used the soap. When I finally got out he picked me up and sniffed my armpits and gleefully started a whistling scream. I realized I had just observed one of the legends of rumble, mumbles and whistles when there was a Big Foot sighting.
We took off one morning and traveled up the west coast to Alaska, over the Aleutian Islands and moved ashore in Asia. I know it sounds like a tall story, but Big Foot rigged an apparatus on his back that I could ride as we moved across the expanses of land. The real excitement cane at the water’s edge, the snake would look hungrily at me and then wrap his tail around Big Foot’s shoulders and tow us across the water way. I still believe that snake would pretend to lose his grip and would take another turn around my body. There were a number of times that I could feel the heavy muscles get tighter. The trip continued across Mongolia and turned across China and we followed the Great Wall for two days. The mountains were getting steeper and as we moved west the snow started. The snake had been running ahead and marking a trail until the snow reached a point he could not navigate. Big Foot picked him up and we were enclosed in the coils of that heavy body of, I am sure, a hungry snake. The first few days that rascal would put his head over a shoulder and look directly at me and lick his tongue. I felt that forked tongue lick against my face many times.
The sun came up one morning and after taking a good look at our surroundings, I realized that we were climbing into the Everest Mountains. We skirted a number of climbing teams and near the peak of the tallest mountain I was frightened by a mighty roar. Big Foot stopped and answered and sure enough a big guy with white fur approached from a cave high on the mountain. Big Foot started yelling, “Yeti, Yeti,” and I knew from the stories that we were meeting the Mt. Everest answer to Big Foot. We were introduced and Yeti grabbed me up in a big Yeti hug and I almost passed out. This guy smelled worse than Big Foot’s cave. I staggered as I entered the dark opening and fell against a smaller creature. Yeti giggles combined with roars from the big guys. I was being hugged again and soon knew that the smaller creature was a girl Yeti. That scared me worse than the snake because she was becoming very personal. We introduced them to a bath and more shouts of glee, when the armpits were sniffed, in that stinking cave. I was watching the snake slide around the area still with his hungry eyes on me. It was a surprise when two strong arms grabbed me, and Ms Yeti threw me into the water and jumped in with me. She insisted that I take a bath—soap and all. That was a terrifying experience and then she kept her eyes on me for the entire night.
Much to my relief Big Foot insisted that we had to leave and I am sure I could hear moans of sorrow coming from the Yeti woman. We left the mountains and turned up toward Europe and when we reached the snow line—great relief—that snake licked me on the face and uncoiled and started leading us across the Balkans, then into Western Europe. We stopped long enough in each country and frightened them with Big Foots yells, scream, and whistles. I made a few screams because that snake was getting hungry.
As we approached the English Channel, the snake was beginning to move restlessly. It only took a short time for us to cross the Channel, and that snake started racing across the English countryside. It became apparent that we were in Scotland and the snake pointed the way to a body of water known as Loch Ness. Well folks, you have probably guessed that the Serpent replaced a very, very old Loch Ness Monster. Soon reports of the monster included information that its back was covered with humps. This caused wild speculation that the monster was really a dinosaur that had survived the ages. Many people returned to Loch Ness looking for the dinosaur with hopes of identifying the creature.
The humps spotted on the back of the monster are the scars from the four-wheel drive vehicle in the Olympic Mountains of Northwest Washington State. Are there a Big Foot and a Loch Ness Monster? You bet they are out there. They are my friends. I call them Messy and Nessy.

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