My Boyfriend Was A Monster
MY BOYFRIEND IS A MONSTER An age-old conflict between mother and daughter nearly destroyed my life. Dallas Releford Originally written for True Romance Magazine, 2001 “What do you mean, Jenny? Did I hear you say that you’re not going out with Toby tonight? What happened?” My mother had just walked into the living room as Jan and I was discussing private matters. It didn’t matter to my mother, Linda, if they were private or not. She was guilty of butting into my private affairs like an old bull attacking a matador with a red cape. Linda stood there with that scolding expression on her face, her eyebrows raised, her mouth wrapped in a devious frown. She expected an answer, but it was several minutes before I could think of one. “Oh, mother; do you have to listen to all my conversations?” I was perplexed, just a little pissed, and tired of having to explain everything to her. Being sixteen, I thought I should be able to make my own decisions, especially when it affected my life. Her auburn hair matched the color of my own hair, and so did her creamy white complexion, but that’s where the resemblance ended. I had my Dad’s emerald green eyes and his shy, timid personality. Her eyes were azure, almost the color of a fall sky, but sometimes, I thought I saw a tinge of fire in them, like hot coals in a red-hot stove on a cold winter night. Linda was aggressive; demanding and expected everyone to obey her rules. “You’re my daughter,” she said coldly still resting her hands on her hips, staring directly at me. “I’m responsible for you since your father left last year. You live in my house, and you’ll do as you’re told.” “But mother; why do you like Toby so much? He’s a nerd, sadist, a jerk, and he’s two years older than I am. Can’t you see that?” “I’ll not have you talking about Toby that way,” she demanded. “He’s a real nice boy. Anybody can see that. You just don’t like nice boys. Isn’t that true? You want to run with the wild ones. It’s more exciting that way.” She was wrong and I knew it. I just didn’t know why Toby was so important to her. Jan Peterson sat quietly listening to the conversation not really believing what she was hearing. I could see the expression on her face. She was my best friend, and I hated my mother for saying things like that in front of her. Jan wouldn’t tell anyone else. She wasn’t that kind of girl. “No, mother,” I answered trying to defend myself as best as I could, but I was confused. Toby Marshall wasn’t a nice boy. Toby Marshall was nothing but a monster; a real one. “You’re wrong, mother,” I said knowing I was pulling the pin on a live grenade, and I was about to feel the heat from the blast. “Toby is not someone I want to go out with. I have my own reasons fro not wanting to associate with him. I found someone else. I don’t guess you’ll be seeing Toby around here any more.” From the expression on her face, I knew the last sentence really perturbed her. Her eyes narrowed, her chin quivered, and the grenade exploded. I braced myself for the onslaught, hoped for the best, but her wrath was considerably unpleasant. “Jenny. How can you do that? I told everyone you’d met a nice boy, and everything was going fine. Now, what will I tell your Aunt Lucy? She was hopeful for you.” “Mom, I’m not exactly an old maid. I’m only sixteen, and you should know that.” “Why, your Aunt Lucy was married when she was sixteen,” Linda said taking a seat on the couch. We were sitting on the floor studying. At least, we had been studying, and talking until my mother entered the picture. “So, you want to get rid of me? Is that it?” I asked trying to corner her, make her feel guilty, but it didn’t work. “Don’t be absurd! How ridiculous. You know I love you Jenny. I’m only thinking of your welfare. I want you to finish school, and go to college. It’s just that I want you to have a good man to take care of you. Heaven knows that I lost out in that respect.” That wasn’t true. I knew it, and she knew it too. My father was a non-aggressive person. My mother, on the other hand was the exact opposite. She was aggressive, demanding, demeaning, and resentful of the fact that my father was so intelligent. The only thing she appreciated was his paycheck he earned as a computer analyst. She was still cussing him on that Saturday night as he drove away in the SUV. Having to finally work for a living, she’d come to hate him even more. I loved my father, and, I still do even though I never saw him again. Unable to forgive my mother for what she did to him, I long for the day when I can leave her, and live on my own. I’d had enough. “Mon, just settle down; please. You’ll really like Danny Coleman. He’s in my classes; he’s really a nice boy. He’s cute, nice, and his father owns the hardware store downtown. They have money, but the most important thing is that he likes me, and I like him. We get along splendidly.” “Well, goody for you,” Linda said sarcastically. “You make him sound like, a wimp.” “Mother!” “At least, Toby is a man. He doesn’t waste any time letting you know that.” “Mom, I’m going out with Jan. We’re going over to the park, and playing softball with some of the girls. I’m not getting any work done around here.” My mother sat there staring at me as we left. She didn’t say a word. I’d made my mind up about Toby Marshall, and she knew that nothing she could say would change it. As we walked down the sidewalk, past the old Carlton Tool Manufacturing building, and into the west side of the park, I began to think about Toby Marshall. He was a character, and I just wanted to forget all about him, but my mother had started me thinking about him. I didn’t love him, but I just couldn’t get him off my mind. I’d met him at Theresa Kidd’s birthday party. Toby was tall, broad shouldered, had long, brown hair, deep brown eyes and wore a fifties style leather jacket, white polo shirt and jeans. He reminded me of James Dean, but the similarity ended with the leather jacket. He was almost seventeen years old. He didn’t do too well in school though. He’d been held back two years because he flunked too many classes. He’d ended up in my classes. Lucky me. Toby rode a motorcycle, a big Harley, I think. It was a chopper anyway, and he liked to show off in front of the women. At my age --- I was fourteen then --- he made quite an impression. We dated for several weeks. I didn’t like the chopper, and refused to ride with him on it. Toby had an old black Corsica with smiley faces painted on the back doors, on the top and on the trunk. I thought it was weird, but it was the only transportation we had, so I accepted it. On our third date, Toby talked me into parking with him near a creek, off a country road. He made a fire. Roasting marshmallows, wieners and listening to the crickets under a full moon sounded romantic to me. Soon, we were playing around. His warm lips gently brushed against mine, making me want him more. When I pressed my lips closer to his, he’d pull away teasing me. Fondling my breasts eventually led to other things until I had to push him away. I was only a teenager, just fourteen, and I didn’t want to get into any trouble. All the other girls had told me it was painful the first time. I wanted to break it off, to stop it, but he wouldn’t quit. Before I knew what was happening, I was naked. I could feel the wet grass beneath my warm body as he did as he wished. I screamed, but there wasn’t anyone around to help me. Toby was strong, rough, and didn’t mind forcing his way on a young girl. I lost my virginity that night with the sound of the rushing stream in my ears, the crickets singing, and the cool night air sending chills down my spine. Even all those noises couldn’t blot out my screams, my pleas for him to stop, when he entered me for the first time. I hated him from that moment on. Afraid, I would continue to go out with him because I didn’t know what he’d do if I said no. I was one scared teenager; and one that was terrified of Toby Marshall. I was startled; no, embarrassed to learn that Toby had told everyone in school that I was his girl, his old woman, his bitch. When I confronted him, he didn’t deny it. He just told me that I should be grateful; not every woman was so lucky. Deciding to live with it until I could figure a way to get rid of him, I put up with the abuse, the sex and the aggressive attitude of Toby Marshall. One thing concerned me greatly, pregnancy. If I became pregnant, my parents would kill me. I hadn’t started my period yet, so there wasn’t any way I could really tell if I was pregnant or not; until it began to show. Then, it would be too late for anything except my own funeral. I knew that Toby ran around with some strange characters. At first, I thought they were just members of a motorcycle gang or something, but then I started to hear rumors. Friends told me he was the leader of some kind of devil-worship cult. Confronting him with that issue, he didn’t deny it. Instead, he took me to one of the meetings. Reluctantly, I went with him that Saturday night to an old barn that was located back on a deserted farm. The cult apparently held their meetings there. The rest of the story is almost too painful to tell because it brings back such dreadful memories. I guess I’ve come this far so I may as well go on with it. It was raining; pouring down, and as Toby parked the old car in the barnyard, I wished I’d stayed home with the flu or something. About twenty of the weirdest, dirtiest people I’ve ever seen littered the barnyard. Some of them stood there in the rain, watching us as we got out of the car. Others were standing around an old barrel inside the barn. They’d lit a fire in it. They all bowed to Toby as if he were a god as we walked by them. Of all the things that happened that night; the thing that I really remember the most, was the rain pouring in through the roof. It was coming down in gushers, but nobody seemed to mind. As it turned out, that wasn’t the worst thing that happened. Toby introduced me to the rest of the people there. I recognized some of the kids from school but most of them were unfamiliar to me. The red hooded robes they wore reminded me of the Grim Reaper, or maybe a sadistic monk. Toby wore a black hooded robe with gold trim around it. I was given a green robe and told I would get a red one after I was initiated. Protesting, I jerked the robe from my trembling body and threw it to the ground. Toby smacked me, and made me pick it up. It was the first time he’d ever hit me, but it wouldn’t be the last. Angry, I sobbed, shook, and eventually, cried. My protests were ignored as my tears fell on the damp, soggy earth inside the old misty barn. “Let’s get organized and get down to business, folks,” Toby yelled. The others just stood around and watched him. Using bales of hay for seats, they finally settled down as Toby stood in front of them, called the meeting to order and asked if everyone was present. One of the people there, I don’t know who, pulled out a list and started calling out names. When that business was taken care of, Toby looked at me. It was one of those penetrating looks that I’d never seen before. Realizing that he’d completely changed, I became hysterical, horrified and disoriented. What had I gotten myself into? “The first order of business is a new member. You’ve all met Jenny. Tonight, we’re going to show her how to be a good Satanist.” “No,” I screamed. “No, I don’t want to be a damn Satanist. I just want to go home. Let me go; NOW!” They didn’t listen. Appalled, disgusted and scared, I listened as they began a chant that sent chills down my spine. It was the most horrible thing I’d ever heard. Completely paralyzed by the events unfolding around me, and by the strange language they were speaking, I hardly realized it as they dragged my struggling body to a stall where they’d put down dry hay. As they stripped me, I was hardly able to protest because I was so scared. They’re going to rape me, I thought. Terror that I’d never known before enshrouded me like a cloak of fear. That’s what it was; a cloak of fear because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get out of it. They didn’t rape me or have sex with me but they did many other unspeakable things in the name of the devil. Shuddering as their hands explored my body, I almost fainted. I wanted my mother until I realized she didn’t care what happened to me. I had nobody but myself to depend on and nobody but myself to blame for what happened. After some time, I finally realized that it was all just a ceremony, a devilish, horrible, initiation into their society. That wasn’t much consolation as I began to figure things out. I did this with my own reasoning and from what they told me. I didn’t like what was happening to me. I didn’t like it at all. Toby was an agent of the devil or maybe, even the devil himself. As I saw him standing above me, staring at me, I could have sworn that his eyes were red. I’ll still swear that to this day. Toby looked at them and then at me. “Take the bitch over there, to the circle of light,” he said. It wasn’t Toby speaking. The voice was cold, demanding and cruel. It was meaningless to me. Two of them held me tightly as several chickens were brought struggling into the circle of candles that had been placed on posts around the center of the barn floor. The hay bales were still there. Many of the Satanists sat on the bales watching the proceedings. The chicken’s heads were cut off with a sharp knife, the blood drained into cups and passed around. They drank it. A cup of the dark red, disgusting stuff was held up to my lips. Emptying the contents of my stomach into it, I struggled to get free, but Toby slapped me again. It stung, brought more tears to my eyes; I hated him. They held me down while Toby poured the blood down my throat. I swore that if I ever got the chance, that I’d kill him. I was tied, struggling with every ounce of strength I had, to several bales of hay. They called the bales of hay; the alter. There were four of them placed side by side to form a long table. Dozens of chickens were killed. The blood was drained into a milk bucket. Someone slit the throat of a large hog, an old sow. The hog’s blood was added to the chicken’s blood. Astounded, I saw several of these large, aluminum buckets farmers used to milk cows in. Disgusted, frightened and aghast, I struggled as the blood was poured over my naked body. It was the most revolting thing I’ve ever felt. It was as if I was immersed in evil. An hour later, a hundred incantations, and I was thrown out into the mud, in the pouring rain to cleanse myself. I don’t know which was worse, the mud or the blood, but it all was horrible. My heart raced, my pulse beat faster as I realized I was in a lot of trouble. How was I going to get out of the mess? As if sensing what I was thinking, they grabbed me and threw me into an old metal trough that had been used for feeding the livestock. It was full of water now. They washed me off and took me back inside. I was standing in front of the rest of the members of the cult with my back to them. Toby was standing at a makeshift alter; a bale of hay that stood upright, in front of me. “You’ve passed the first part of your initiation,” he informed me. I was still naked; that was the least of my worries. Great, I thought. I was definitely encouraged. I’d really accomplished something. I hated morons then, and I hate them now. He continued. “As some of you know, I’ve taken several women hoping they will be able to give me the child that we all seek. I will take this one now as I stand before you. Maybe she will be the one. She’s young, healthy, aggressive, and now, she’s one of us.” What? He wanted ME to have the devil’s baby. I just couldn’t believe it. “No. I won’t do it,” I yelled. Before I knew what happened, I was on my back on another bale of hay. Toby dropped me off at the house. I had my clothes back on, but the memory of what had happened that day never left me. They’d made me swear that I’d never tell, but I just said yes to get away from them. “Remember, not a word,” Toby said as I got out of the car. He pointed his finger at me as if threatening me with some devilish curse. Who knows; maybe he’d already cursed me? He hadn’t said anything to me all the way home. I hadn’t said anything to him either, but I said something now. “I don’t want to see your sorry ass around her any more,” I told him. “I’ll fill it with buckshot if I do.” Before he could answer, I slammed the door, and walked away. In a way, I hoped he would come back. I wanted to even the score. It didn’t matter if he was the devil or not. My father was still at home at that time, but both my parents were in bed. All I wanted to do was to go to my room, cry myself to sleep and hope that when I woke up, I’d find out that it’d all been a nightmare. I wanted to tell my father what had happened, but I was afraid of what Toby might do. He did have all those cult members on his side, and they could be just about anywhere. So, I did the only thing I could do; I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. The next morning; Sunday, my parents went to church as they usually did. As I sat at the breakfast table, playing with my food, I wanted to tell my father about Toby, but decided to wait until we were alone. I didn’t trust my mother. In a few days, my father had left us and it was too late. I was on my own. Undoubtedly, the experience had left me paranoid, terrified and alarmed, but I was young, strong, and pissed off. Monday found me taking my time getting ready for school hoping that something would happen so I wouldn’t have to face Toby for another day, but it didn’t. I saw him several times that day, but he didn’t say anything to me. I ignored him. We were in the same biology class. I sat as close to Jan as I could. Toby sat in the back of the class with all the other morons, and that was fine with me. As the weeks passed, I mourned the loss of my father, tried to deal with it as best as I could, and considered consulting with my best friend Jan, about my problems, Toby began to approach me again. Cautious at first, his advances became more aggressive. I told him to get lost and to leave me alone. Insisting that we continue dating, he reminded me that he had an interest in me. I told him where to go and to leave me alone. It was clear that I would never be free from his influence as long as he was alive. Jan and I went places together. She was a good friend and I finally told her what had happened. We thought about running away together, but without money, we didn’t see much future in that option either. Pregnancy became a major concern for me as the days turned into weeks, the weeks into months and Toby continually harassed me. I never went out with him again, but I made one bad mistake. Being the teenager that I was, I didn’t want my mother to know that I’d broken up with him. He was my ticket out of the house until I could find another boyfriend that had transportation. Most of the time, I told her that we were double dating with Jan and her boyfriend. Jan didn’t have a boyfriend, but she did have a car. She’d just turned sixteen. The car was a gift from her father. My mother was immersed in a world of her own, and didn’t seem to care about my problems. She was working now, taking care of us; she didn’t have time for trivial teenage matters, except to tell me who I could, and couldn’t go out with. Toby began showing up at the house. I left him to talk to my mother and went to see Jan. My mother began asking questions until I finally told her that I’d broken up with Toby. Relieved when my period started, I went out with Jan and celebrated. Toby must have sensed that something was wrong after six months went by. I was still the skinny little sixteen year old girl that I’d always been, and I wasn’t carrying his “devil baby”; much to my relief. Most of that happened months ago, but the memories still linger with me, especially at night when I lay in my bed pondering where my life is going. I’m almost seventeen years old, and already, my life has been nearly ruined by a devil cult leader. Sex used to sound like something that was wonderful; now it’s something to be abhorred, avoided and given a lot of consideration. I’m determined to finish school, and Jan got me a job working after class at a local restaurant with her. Jan’s a lot of fun and I like her. She’s one of the few things I have to look forward to. Jan knows my pain, and is willing to help me any way she can. We’re going to college together. Saving my money will give me an opportunity to go to college when I graduate from high school. Mom hasn’t made any plans for my future, so I will have to do that myself. It took a lot of courage, but I finally went to the police; filed a complaint against Toby Marshall and waited for him to do something horrible to me, but so far, he hasn’t bothered me. I’m almost grown up now, so maybe he thinks I’m not worth the trouble. Toby hasn’t shown up in class for several weeks. Nobody knows where he is. I don’t care, just as long as he leaves me alone. I didn’t tell the police about the devil worshipers; what they did to me, and what Toby did to me because I didn’t think they’d believe me. I just filed harassment charges against him. That was the best I could do. Mom works hard all week, but she’s frivolous. Perky might be a better word, but I don’t know what makes her that way. She works all day, comes home, fixes us dinner, and then meets a friend. She doesn’t talk much about him. He never picks her up. She has her own car, and I don’t ask any questions. Mom doesn’t say much about Toby any more since that day I told her I was breaking up with him. She knows when I’ve made my mind up, that it’s written in concrete. “Let’s go to the Golden Lamb in Lebanon, Saturday,” Jan said right out of the blue as we finished our shift at the local Wendy’s restaurant. “I have a little extra money, and we can go shopping afterwards.” “Sounds good to me,” I agreed. “Mom will be out with her boyfriend tomorrow. She doesn’t work on Saturday.” “Have you ever seen him?” Jan asked as we walked to the car. I rode with her to and from work. I didn’t have a car and was only learning how to drive. “Nope,” I said, “and if he’s anything like Toby; I don’t want to meet him. I think Mom likes those kind of men.” I hadn’t thought about Toby Marshall for a long time. The mention of his name sent chills down my spine. He was that sort of person. Jan didn’t pursue the subject. She could see the pain on my face. “I’ll pick you up around noon,” she replied. “Fine, you do that. I’ll be ready.” Jan didn’t have to tell me twice. I hated sitting around the house by myself on the weekend. Jan let me out at the house around eight. It wasn’t quite dark yet. Darkness didn’t come until nearly nine on late summer nights. Mom’s car was in the driveway. I supposed she was getting dinner. She’d be off on her Friday night date as soon as that was done and we’d eaten. “Hi Mom. Something sure smell’s good,” I said as I dropped my books, coat and purse on the couch. I walked into the kitchen expecting to see her there. Mom walked out of the bathroom holding a wet washcloth against her swollen cheek. There was blood on her forehead from a long, narrow cut. Mom didn’t say anything. She walked over to the dinner table and sat down. She stared into empty space. “Mom, what’s wrong?” I asked. Her face was pallid, her eyes blank and her hair was messed like she’d been in a fight. That’s the first thing that came to mind. Mom had had a fight with her new boyfriend. It looked like it might have been a bad one. “Nothing,” she said. “I hit my head against the door when I stooped over to pick up the towel I’d dropped.” Sure, I thought. It was a woman’s first line of defense to keep from explaining things about a husband or boyfriend. She loves him and doesn’t want to hurt him no matter how much he hurts her. I wasn’t swallowing it though. After all, I’d already seen what a loving man can do to you. I’d feel that love for the rest of my life. “Mom, quit lying to me. I know something happened; now what was it?” “Nothing,” she insisted. “It was nothing; just an accident.” “Sure Mom,” I said pleading with her. “Please tell me who did this to you.” “It’s nothing, just a scratch.” “I’m calling the police and you can explain it all to them.” “Please Jenny; don’t do that. I don’t want to drag him into all this. He’s really a good man, just a little evil tempered, sometimes.” “They’re all that way, Mom; the bastards are all that way.” “Not all,” she insisted again. “They’re not all that way. Your father wasn’t. He was a good man, but I didn’t know it until it was too late; I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.” I was pissed. How could she? Why was she bringing my father into this mess? He was a good man. He was nothing like the creep she was obviously going out with now. He’d never hit her in his life. Maybe she’d been the better for it if he had hit her? He was a smart man; he drove away from her in his SUV, and never looked back. “Father was a good man, Mom. I’m only sorry you couldn’t have seen it sooner.” “I’m sorry too,” she said. “Just help me to get the swelling down. Don’t call the police. I’ll take care of it. Things will be all right, Jenny.” “They better be,” I warned. “If that creep comes around here, I’ll fill his butt with buckshot. The EMTs can haul away the pieces.” “He won’t come around,” she said. “He’s afraid you might not like him.” “I’m sure I won’t now,” I said applying cold compresses to her forehead; her cheek and her neck. There were two small marks on her neck. They were bleeding. I didn’t know what had made them. “What have you been going out with, Mom; a vampire?” She didn’t laugh; didn’t say anything, just sat there staring. I went to the hall closet; got out the enormous first aid kit; fixed her up the best I could, put her to bed. I gave her one of my tranquilizers the doctor had given me after the night with the devil worshipers. It was only 250 mgs so I wasn’t worried about it killing her. At the dinner table, surrounded by all the delicious food, my stomach grumbled because it hadn’t been fed, but I just couldn’t eat. Mom was all that I had, no matter how obnoxious, how hateful, spiteful she was. Taking a few bites, I finally gave it up before I threw it up, and put it all in containers. As I put the containers in the refrigerator, I wondered what had really happened. As I was washing the dishes, I heard my Mom talking to someone. Nobody else was in the house. I knew that because I’d checked the entire house before locking all the doors. It was part of the routine I’d developed after the incident with Toby. I didn’t want him to slip unannounced, into the house while I was sleeping. I walked into the bedroom in time to hear her say, “Pregnant? I can’t be pregnant. Are you sure? It’s my baby. It’s not your baby. I’m going to keep it. The doctors can’t have it; do you hear? Do you understand me? “ Mom was sleeping soundly; plainly dreaming; talking to someone in her dreams. I couldn’t fully understand all that she said, some of it was muffled, some words were unintelligible; her voice just trailed off at the end of her conversation. I suppose the pill kicked in fully. Mom slept well that night. Awakening early next morning, she prepared to go shopping. After I’d informed her that I’d be gone most of the day, she assured me not to worry about her. She’d shop awhile, then come home and rest. I told her she needed rest. I gave her my cell phone number in case she needed it. My dad had given me the cell phone on my fourteenth birthday. I never used it much; it was handy to have around when you needed it. This was such a case. I’d only be about an hours drive away. Lebanon wasn’t that far. As she walked out to the car, I realized how much I loved her, needed her and how much I felt sorry for her. She looked like she’d been in a very bad, notorious tornado. I cleaned the house most of the morning and finally took a shower; got ready and sat in the living room waiting for Jan. She finally arrived just a little after noon. I locked the house, and we left. We’d gotten half way to Lebanon when Jan suddenly said, “Crap!” “What?” I asked. “I forgot my purse. It has my driver’s license, my credit cards, and my cash in it.” “I guess we’re going back then,” I said. “Yes, it looks that way,” she answered her brown eyes sparkling with anger; her auburn hair glistened in the sun. The windows were open and her hair was tossed in every direction. “I just hope I make it home without getting pulled over.” “Just drive careful,” I cautioned her as she took the Mason exit. I-71 was congested and we had to wait to get off. She had to get back on Interstate 71 and go south. It took us almost an hour as we sat there waiting for the traffic jam to clear up. “Can we visit my place while we’re at it?” “Sure,” she said. “What did you forget?” “My cell phone. I told my mother she could call me if she needed me.” “Oh,” Jan said. “Is there some reason she might want to call you?” I hadn’t told Jan anything, but I did. Her face turned from one of cheer to one of concern. “You’re kidding?” she asked. “Someone beat your mother up?” “Yes, and that’s why it’s important she has my number.” “Okay,” Jan said finally smiling. “One more home coming up. Maybe we’ll get to Lebanon in time for dinner.” If I’d known how much trouble retrieving that cell phone was going to be; I’d left it where it was, but on that cool autumn day, I didn’t know. I was still a kid in some ways. I grew up fast though. After we went to Jan’s house, we went to my home on Cedar to get the cell phone. My Mom’s car was in the driveway, which seemed normal to me. Jan followed me into the living room after I’d unlocked the front door. At first, it seemed dark because our eyes hadn’t had time to adjust to the change in light, but I saw someone on the couch almost as soon as I entered the living room. Jan told me later that she did too. I think that Jan and I both heard them before we saw them, but we argued that point for some time before we finally decided it didn’t’ really matter. My mother was on the couch, on her back; naked as a newborn baby except she wasn’t a baby. At that moment, I could think of quite a few names for her; not any of them worthy of being said amongst good folks. “I’m going to have --- have your baby --- please, let me have your baby,” she was yelling as if she were begging for a million dollar loan. “Mother!” I yelled; almost screamed, but stopped short of it. The man was bent over her, doing what most men think takes special talent. He turned and looked at me as I was screaming. When I saw Toby Marshall’s face; I screamed some more. It didn’t last long though. “You bastard,” I yelled scratching his face with my fingernails. They were long, sharp and deadly. The long, bloody crevices on his forehead, his cheeks and his chest were living proof of it. He screamed begging me to stop. I only stopped long enough to yell at him some more. “You bastard. You couldn’t get a sixteen-year-old girl pregnant so you decided to try her mother. Is that it; you filthy SOB!” With only one thing on my mind, I headed for the closet, but as I turned around away from him, I looked into his eyes; maybe for the first time. He wasn’t a monster; at least, not the one I thought he was. All I could see in his eyes was the frightened, confused twenty-four year old slob that he was. He wasn’t anything, unless it was a maggot in you-know-what. I made it to the hall closet, grabbed my father’s loaded automatic shotgun just as Toby made it to the front door. Yes, I said loaded because my father said a gun isn’t any good unless it’s loaded. He was still naked as a jaybird. I liked him that way. Toby seemed to be puzzled, confused; his face showed signs of terror at the prospect of facing an angry woman with a loaded shotgun. His other option wasn’t so appealing either; going outside with his manhood showing. If I had my way, I’d remove some of his manhood with the buckshot. “Jenny, you don’t want to do this?” Toby pleaded. His legs buckled as he fell to his knees pleading for me to leave him alone. I put pressure on the trigger as I pointed the barrel of the .12 gauge shotgun at him. It was a formidable weapon, and one that would unnerve anyone with any brains. The only trouble was, I didn’t think Toby Marshall had any brains. “Yes, I do,” I screamed at him frantically, insanely. “I want to make you pay for what you did to me, and to my mother. Why don’t you stand up and take it like a man; you shrimp, you worm, you little weasel.” “Please,” he pleaded crying, tears streaming down his face. He didn’t seem like the devil I’d seen that night in the barn, the one drinking chicken blood. Maybe that said something about the bastard. I don’t know what happened next, I stepped forward or stumbled; or something. The gun went off just as Toby stood up. I guess he thought he’d show his manhood. He showed it just a little too late, but it saved me from blowing his head off; at least one of them, anyway. The sound of the gun exploding, the horrible sight of the pellets tearing through his thighs, the flesh and blood splattering against the wall; all of that, made me sick. I fainted just as he slouched to the floor. The last thing that I remember is seeing his private parts missing along with most of his legs and hips. Toby survived. He got his payback. After six months of intensive care, six operations and three months of physical therapy, he was ready to stand trial. After the police arrived, the truth had been told, about the sadistic experience he’d put me, and others through, about the rape, the threats, harassment and the beatings. The other members of the cult were arrested. Toby was convicted of rape, attempted murder, drug possession, violations of laws regarding a minor, and on several counts too numerous to mention. Justice is great when it actually works; Toby Marshall won’t rape or have sex again for the rest of his life. You see, he urinates through a plastic tube now. They couldn’t replace something that wasn’t there. My mother had a baby, but I never noticed anything unusual about her. Mom named her Barbara. Of course, Barbara’s only two years old now so that could change. I never believed any of the crap about what Toby preached. To me, he was just another punk that thought he would have his way with a young girl by intimidating, threatening and terrorizing her. I wasn’t the only one; there were many more that he molested, controlled and raped. He will never get out of prison, and if he does, I’ll send him back there again, no matter what I have to do. I don’t see my mother any more. I don’t want to. Mother still loves Toby and writes him all the time. She’s insane. I want to distance myself from people like that. Morons always sit in the back of the class, and I don’t want to be the last one in the door. I’m in college now, and I’m going to make something out of myself. It’s hard dealing with what happened to me, but I’m doing it. I’m turning negative energy into positive energy by forgetting what happened, and creating new memories that are more pleasant. Jan’s here with me, and that’s a blessing. We’ve come a “long way” together. We have a long way to go, but I’m sure we’ll make it as long as we remain friends, and stick up for each other. That’s the only way to be. There are many nice boys here, but I’m still thinking about my future. Maybe I’ll have the strength to get married, and have kids of my own someday, but I’ll make sure that I’m finished with college before I even consider that. Becoming a doctor isn’t easy, but that’s what I’m going to be; a doctor. The End
