Hermit Life | By: Beth | | Category: Short Story - Funny Bookmark and Share

Hermit Life

The sun shines in through the lace curtains that I made from a worn out pair of underwear (you have to repurpose every little thing when your a hermit), its warm rays touch my face. It says "Wake up my child, I am shining for you today."

I raise from my cot, stretch, and feel a soft furry tail rub on my bare leg. "Good morning, Fluffy number 12." Fluffy 12 meows, and purrs in delight as I bend down and stroke her soft fur. Then I relize there is quite a breeze blowing on my backside, and upright myself.

"Let's get you breakfast." I say as I meander out into the main room. It is a small space, since I built it out of sagebrush and dirt, but it is home. In one corner, there is a small stove, not electric mind you, an old wood stove. I know with comfort, there are still soft red glowing coals from last nights supper of horny toads and ground squirrels. they are native for the land I live on, I feel blessed to have them to eat. Little ketchup makes it go down nicely. However coming back out, not so much.

In another corner, I have a small "couch" fashioned out of sagebrush, covered in a blanket so as to make it look more comfortable, which really you probably would not like to sit upon it. Beside it, I have a sidetable, made out of rocks piled high on it. The cats knock it over all the time, so we have had a few mishaps and lost Fluffy 19 and Fluffy 14 due to it toppling over on them. I just can't bear to part with it though, so the cats must learn to adapt.

I go over to the stove, and open the belly of it. I poke the embers, and indeed they are still glowing the red that tells me they are very hot. I learned fast from the time (this really happened) a rock got stuck in the shaker thing that sifts the ashes out of the fire, and a fire had been burning all night, and I reached in and grabbed the rock that had been IN the coal the previous night. It resulted in a 3rd degree burn and I never did that again

I gather an armfull of wood from its place beside the stove, and put some pieces in the fire. I close the door, and open the damper so the fire will start to kick up and warm up my cold little den.

While the fire is starting to burn, I quickly get dressed, in my personal favorite, drapes. they were cheaper than regular clothes, and allow much more freedom to move. they are however, a bit drafty as the sides are wide open. I cut a hole big enough to fit my head through, right in the middle of the drape, and I stick my head through it and tada! you got yourself a homemade dress. Use the sash from the drapes as a matching belt! Today I am wearing my deep green one, with sides hanging wide open, I never sweat.

I once again check the fire, and I see that it is burning quite nicely, so I decide to go down to the creek to get water to boil. i will use the water to boil my pets some horny toads and if I shall see any chipmunks or ground squirrels, they will have boiled rodents as well. Yum!!

As I walk down to the creek, I spot a horny toad, sunning in the glorious sun's rays. Quickly I slam my water pail on it, missing completely and hitting my foot instead. I vow not to let that little creature get away from me, so I try again, chasing it under a small rock. 'Ha!' I think, 'he is hiding under limestone, it will break when I strike my pail upon it!' So I bring my pail up over my head and with one blow, strike the rock my target is under. I hear a very juicy 'squish' and see a bit of green seeping from out of under the rock. I lift the rock up, hoping I got the little sucker, and by golly, I squished him flat. That is why you always have to make sure you bring leaves from the wild weeds, so you can scrape up your hunts' guts because we cannot afford to waste a thing. That and they make good toilet paper. The leaves not the guts. No, the guts make a good suave for the cuts on your rear from the sometimes crispy leaves.

I finally got my water, and carried it back to the house. I fill the cast iron pot on the stove with crisp cool water. As I wait for it to boil, I feel like singing, like the Natives do when they have a successful hunt. I begin to sing Will Smith's Wild Wild West, because he is native, or mexican, or spanish, oh who cares they are all alike, also because it was the only song at the time I could think of that I knew all the words to.

In no time, my water was boiling. I took the couple horny toads and dropped them into the boiling water. they began to bloat and cook up quite nicely. I added a few more ingredients: spam, tomato soup, ketchup, anything that has a long shelf life that I had on hand. when I could guess it was done, I turned around to see my hoard of little pets were awaiting thier supper. All 48 of them. I put the soup in their big bowl, and as soon as I moved my hand, a whirlwind of tails, claws, gnarling, meowing, and body parts, they attacked the bowl. At my place, its first come first serve. Eat or be eaten.

In winter, sometimes times are tough and yes, I have been known to snack on a cat or two. Hey, they do it in other countries. Cat, the other not-so-white meat.

I walk over to the door of my little abode, and stare out at the sagebrush covered prairie. I sigh in content, gazing on the wonders of my land. I spot a bald eagle, which inspires me to sing 'I Believe I Can Fly' which in turn sets the dogs to howling. Who knew you can't hear yourself think when 25 dogs are howling at the same time. Ah, music to my ears.

I feel the need to relieve myself, so I walk out from my home about 50 feet to the east (the wind blows east, it wouldn't do to put the latrine on the west side) is my outhouse. On that, I did not skimp. I spent the best money for the best technology in toiletry. I grabbed some leaves off a bush as I walked to my commode. It is a 50 Gallon barrel, that I found that had a rusted out bottom. I put a $10 toilet seat on it and there you have it, the best toilet money can buy! But you do have to watch that you do not cut your bottom because it is rusty and you might get tetnis.

After I finished my business, and picked a few stray leaves out, I went back inside to see how my pets were fairing with their dinner. There weren't any loose body parts that I could tell. All the cats were busy cleaning themselves and the dogs were curling up into balls to take a much needed nap.

I sighed as I was comforted by the sight. Who wouldn't want a life like this? It was really perfect. And just the life for me!

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