Story by General Charlie Wang
Edited by James Hawes, Danny Horseford, and the New Zealand company (Paul Carney, Kevin Liu and “Sikarra”)
Inspired by Danny Horseford
Special thanks to David Wu, without him, the story would not be half as gay and funny.
The dedication of this story is split seven ways:
to Taiwan, to Jesus, to Allah, to Moses, to Buddha, to mankind, and to you, if you have stuck with Manbearpig until the very end,
This story is not based on any real life characters except for the ones that are based on real life characters.
In memory of Manbearpig, who lived a heroic life of sucking.
Chapter 1 – Phong’s appearance/Fraizer’s race for life (pg 2)
Chapter 2 – Manbearpig (pg 5)
Chapter 3 – Peter makes his appearance (pg 7)
Chapter 4 – The secret of David Ewww (pg 9)
Chapter 5 – Jacob’s crush on Danny (pg 12)
Chapter 6 – Sacred Ritual (pg 14)
Chapter 7 – Blob (pg 16)
Chapter 8 – The challenge from Michael Phongsivorabouth (pg 19)
Chapter 9 – The past of David Ewww (pg 22)
Chapter 10 – Black Jesus (pg 25)
Chapter 11 – The second challenge (pg 27)
Chapter 12 – Power Rankings (pg 31)
Chapter 13 – The Island (pg 34)
Chapter 14 – Let the battle commence! (pg 37)
Chapter 15 – May your deaths be triumphant (pg 41)
Chapter 16 – Manbearpig’s wife (pg 44)
Chapter 17 – Manbearpig falls (pg 47)
Final Chapter – The same old story (pg 51)
First Chapter – Phong’s appearance/Fraizer’s race for life
-What is life but a dream, sooner or later we will all have to be awoken, why not today?-
“Another boring day in life…”
Fraizer sighed as he crawled out of bed. At twenty eight years old, Jack W Fraizer was five foot nine and had a lean, handsome face with dark eyes. Fraizer was quite young for a language professor; in addition, he was also the only Asian professor teaching at Stanford University.
Fraizer was smart, resulting in a very high pay. In fact, his salary was higher than most of his American colleagues. This aroused jealousy from other professors, and racial taunts were unavoidable.
I’ll show those stupid Americans someday…Fraizer thought acidly and started dressing. He glanced at the clock beside his bed top. 8 o’clock! Damn it, I’ve slept in again!
Fraizer moaned and finished dressing. He wore a black tie and suit, very awkward for a professor, perhaps too formal. Fraizer didn’t care, he loathed his job. Fraizer had dreamed to become a professional dancer or a FBI agent when he grew up.
But I guess some things just don’t work out. The only thing that’s keeping me in this warped school is the money…Fraizer’s thought trailed him as he scurried down the stairs. Just as he was about to open the front door, the doorbell rang.
‘Ding-Dong!’ Fraizer was taken by surprise. Who would ring my doorbell at 8:15 in the morning?
Fraizer cautiously opened the door, and found himself staring awkwardly at five unknown men. One was dressed entirely in black, he even wore sunglasses. He looks pretty familiar, Fraizer muttered. He looked at the other men, they looked like soldiers of some sort, and they all wore identical things – heavy body amours, army helmets and machine guns strapped behind their back. Their gazes showed no emotion but gayness.
The man who resembled Bruce Lee broke the silence. “Hello Professor, my name is Michael Phongsivorabouth,” he smiled, but it was not a warm smile, it was an ominous one.
“Michael…what? What kind of gay last name is that?”
“I’m afraid you’re right. I am actually a homosexual person. And I have some bad news for you, professor,” Michael intoned solemnly.
What? How can he just admit that he’s a homo in front of everybody? Well I guess nowadays homos aren’t “that” weird…Fraizer considered for a moment, and then casually replied: “What kind of news? Does it involve dead bodies?”
“Apparently, yes, professor. I’m sorry it has to end this way.”
“What? It hasn’t even started!” Fraizer shouted, confused. “And what are we talking about anyway?”
Michael nodded in immense gayness, but did not elaborate.
“Oh…SHIT!” Fraizer’s eyes opened wide with horror as the four soldiers unstrapped their machine guns and pointed them directly at him!
With pure survival instinct and quick reflexes, Fraizer turned and dived back into his house, kicking the door shut behind him. For a split second, he thought nothing would happen; then, it came. Deafening sounds of fire power exploded all around him.
Fraizer quickly rolled away protecting his face from shattered glass and small chunks of wood chips. ‘Black Jesus!’ he yelled as he felt an enormous jolt of pain coming from his right arm. The pain nearly overwhelmed his senses and with great difficulty he managed not to dance around yelling.
Fraizer stood up, he staggered a bit but regained his balance soon after. Fraizer found the stair case and hurried up, leaping across two steps at a time, ignoring the pain as he did so. He reached the second floor and ran straight for his bedroom, slamming the door shut after him.
He checked his injuries – three bullet wounds and a couple of cuts from shattered glass. They all hurt like hell. Okay…Fraizer’s mind raced, five crazy men with one of them really gay are trying to kill me, and how do I kill them without dying?
The gunfire below him ceased abruptly. Fraizer could hear distant footsteps closing in, now he definitely had to think fast.
“Well, it seems like I’ve ran out of options!” Fraizer spoke aloud, examining the window beside his bed top. The footsteps were getting closer. Lucky for Fraizer, gay Michael and his team moved slowly up the stairs as though afraid of some kind of ambush, thus buying Fraizer some more time. Unlucky for Fraizer, he came up with no ideas that were sufficient enough in apprehending Michael and his team.
Fraizer opened the window and peered through it with fear. Christ, it is two stories tall! He calculated the distance, probably 160 feet or so, he then calculated the survival chance of staying or jumping. “Definitely jumping,” he mumbled bitterly.
As his right leg was about to cross through the window, a gay, taunting voice came from not far behind: “Professor! We’re going to get you! Considering the inconvenience you have caused us during this hunt, you’re going to die a much, much horrible way than what I originally had in mind. I won’t mind getting a bit physical~ you know, the gay kind of physical…”
The voice gave Fraizer a sick feeling in the stomach. However, he couldn’t resist throwing back a nasty quip at the gay man: “That’s why I couldn’t find your great grandpa in your last wedding! I could’ve sworn that you disappeared with him, we found his body the following day in shreds!”
Just like that, Fraizer leaped through the window gracefully a second before an angry gay man came charging through his bedroom door with four others behind him! Fraizer soared through the air and for a moment there he actually thought he could fly.
Hope is the first step down the road of disappointment, Fraizer thought as gravity pulled him down rapidly. Fuck you, gravity.
What are the chances of surviving after dropping from 160 feet with a bullet wound onto hard concrete? Even if Fraizer knew the answer, it certainly can’t be good. However, Fraizer had thought of this early on. Before he jumped down the window he accurately aimed himself for a trampoline that he bought for perving on the next door ladies!
Fraizer felt himself ramming into the trampoline hard, he also felt more blood trickle down his arm. He swore loudly. Almost instantly, he bounced back up to the sky by the force of his own jumping, but not before a tree branch caught the side of his trousers and pulled it right off! Thus sending him rocketing back up into the air with no pants on!
Shit! Cold…need pants…need more pants…Fraizer’s mind was screaming. A couple of seconds later he landed on muddy grassland. Son of a beach! I’ll kill that gay guy after I get out of this!
Fraizer checked his surroundings, seems like some random’s backyard to me. Well those crazy-ass men could get to me any second, I’ve got to move.
Fraizer did move, he moved swiftly and soundlessly. Fraizer sneaked into the strange house and managed to elude any detection, he soon found the location of the garage. Even better, the garage door was open and a lone teenager was washing a car. Fraizer was unable to identify the teenager whether as a man or as a woman; maybe it’s the fact that the teenager had both big breasts and a long beard with muscular arms.
Perfect, now I won’t feel guilty about stealing ‘its’ car. Fraizer immediately charged in and yelled at the teenager: “I’m confiscating this vehicle!” Then, as if for the teenager’s comfort, he added: “Don’t worry! I’m a language professor!”
The teenager was dumbfounded; he just stood there with wide open eyes. Fraizer didn’t waste a second; he quickly opened the car door and stepped in. To his delight, the car keys were left inside the car! Smooth, Fraizer laughed. A moment later, the black BMW’s engine roared to life. The droning sound of the engine seemed to awake the dumbfounded teenager.
The teenager scrambled towards the car window and stuttered: “Oi! You... you can’t take that car! I’m calling the…the police…you insane stripper!”
Fraizer felt awkward as he heard the word – stripper. He liked strippers, but being called one was an entirely different matter. He looked uneasily down his waist – gay bunny boxers.
“Look, this isn’t what it looks like…and they could be…umm…evil bunnies!” Fraizer replied nervously.
“Oh yeah, and wear a skirt if you’re a girl, that way people might be able to recognize your gender,” and just like that, Fraizer hit the accelerator and vanished into the streets, leaving the helpless teenager by himself, unsure of what to do next.
Chapter two – Manbearpig
-Everywhere I walk I see death, why hide from it anymore? There is no escape nor will there ever be-
Five minutes later five men arrived at the house, they cruelly questioned the teenager.
“Where did he go? You pathetic gaybo!!” The man with immense gayness – Michael – questioned furiously.
“He’s a female! Can’t you see?” one of the soldiers said. The soldier was very skinny with curly blond hair; he had an ugly smile on his face. His name was Ban Tran, call sign – The Ant.
“Let’s check!” One of the other soldiers said gayly. He was very obese, and was shaved bald. His name was Banthony Ryan, call sign – Big Daddy.
“Yeah man…I’d love to check…” Michael Phongsivorabouth replied in a gay tone. He did it himself, ordering the other four to hold the teenager still. “There’s nothing there.”
“Yes there is! Look at that!” the Ant said.
“That’s a mole you idiot.”
“Not that…the thing under the mole!”
“Oh that…That looks like a string of hair…”
After the group discussion, they quickly resumed their original purpose – interrogation. The teenager was trembling with fear.
“Where did he go?”
“I don’t know!”
Michael whacked him hard in the stomach, and roared in a deadly tone: “I’m going to ask you nicely one more time, or in five seconds I’ll blow your brains out!” He drew out his Gloch pistol and levelled it at the teenager’s head.
The teenager started weeping.
“I don’t know!” He screamed.
The sobbing grew louder.
“All out of mercy.” Michael grinned as he pulled the trigger. “Bang!”
Blood spilt everywhere as the Teenager’s lifeless body fell motionless onto the floor. Michael likes mayhem. That’s how I like it. The corpse may be useful to me for future use…
The Ant passed out at the sight of blood.
After The Ant fainted, Michael quickly retrieved a mobile phone out of his pocket and dialled a number; he waited patiently for it to ring.
“Hello?” a voice came through the receiver.
“Is this the Roach?”
“Who the hell are you?”
“I am Michael Phongsivorabouth, the commander of unit G-A-Y, call-sign – giraffe. I’m here to report to the Roach about my mission.”
There was a silence, then: “Hello Giraffe, I am David Ewww, the head of the KANGP organization, call-sign – Manbearpig. I’m taking command over this mission, report to me about your progress.”
Michael gulped. He was actually talking to Manbearpig! The man who not only never failed a mission, but also who Michael secretly loved. Manbearpig was at the forefront of KANGP. It was said that in his call-sign – “Man” represents his race, “bear” symbolises his power, and “pig” refers to his flabs.
“Yes sir Manbearpig! The victim got away from us in the gunfire, permission to resume plan B?”
“Permission granted. Now kill the man before I kill you.” Manbearpig’s voice sounded dangerous.
Although Michael personally would like to be touched by Manbearpig, he certainly couldn’t fail his mission. Especially for Manbearpig.
“Roger that sir, Giraffe, out.”
Chapter three – Peter makes his appearance
- These things disgust me they are not men, they are sloth, and they are parasite. If mankind is to survive, such beings must be ripped form this world-
A black BMW was driving slowly down the streets, as though driven by an old man. The car occasionally stopped for no reason, but other angry drivers behind the car would pull down their windows and shout out their comments.
Yeah, yeah. Well fuck you too! Fraizer’s mind shrieked at the other drivers, but he didn’t have the energy to literally shout. The bullet wound had hurt him deep, he was losing blood, and Fraizer could feel his life slowly draining away.
The trip was like torture. But after fifteen minutes, the black BMW pulled up beside a massive house. The house looked creepy with obscene posters stuck outside on its walls, there were even naked animals!
Fraizer disembarked from the BMW, and found himself staring at a large black dog! He recognized the dog, it was called Danny Horseford, and it had a weird hobby of peeing on people’s shoes.
Oh crap! After the thought hit him, Fraizer quickly jumped backwards with caution. The dog’s pee missed his shoes and ended up on the grass.
“Woof, woof! Fuck you! Woof!” Danny barked unhappily.
The front door of the house opened, a woman stepped out. The woman was about eighteen years old, with blond hair and deep green eyes. She could have easily won ‘Miss America’ if she wasn’t obese.
“Fraizer? Oh my god! What’s with all the blood! Did Danny do all that?” She glanced at Danny and said: “Bad dog, no poles for you today!”
“Don’t blame Danny…” Fraizer moaned, “Well if anything, I do have a bullet wound…”
“I’ll fix that in a minute.” The woman gave him a dazzling smile; again, it would have been much sexier if she wasn’t obese. She led him in the house, shutting the door and Danny out behind her.
“Relax,” she said soothingly, and then she started cleaning his wound. “So, how did you get yourself into this mess?”
“It’s a long story, Peter.” Fraizer mumbled.
Peter Wang was a nurse in the hospital nearby Stanford University. Jack met her once when he broke his arm after walking into a tree. They have been friends ever since. Peter had neither friends nor family. Although she did have a boyfriend named Justin Yeo – a handsome young man with large green glasses and no hair.
“We have a lot of time.” Peter pointed out, “and Justin will be here anytime, he’s smart, we might be able to figure something out together.”
“Oh all right.” Fraizer sighed and told her about the homosexual Michael and his gang. He stopped talking while Peter pulled the bullet out of his arm with a fork, and then resumed the tale like nothing ever happened.
“Hmmm…” Peter thought for a moment after the weird news. “I’ll try and find out something about Michael Phongsivorabouth.”
Peter stood up and went for her laptop, leaving Fraizer by himself alone on the sofa, trying to think things out. He gave up soon after and studied the area. Obscene posters everywhere, half-eaten plastic hamburgers were lying around the floor, but Fraizer didn’t really mind as long as he was safe.
He tried the sofa’s quality by kicking it – it broke down. Bad quality, probably had enough of Peter’s weight, Fraizer thought nastily, but fell down hard onto the floor due to the broken sofa.
“I think I’ve found it!” Peter shouted abruptly with excitement, “is Michael a porn star in L.A?”
“Oops, sorry,” Peter replied meekly, “That’s Michael Thongsivorabouth.”
The minutes passed by and Fraizer nearly dozed off, but then the doorbell rang. Fraizer cursed the interruption. Peter immediately got out of her chair and practically skipped with delight towards the door and opened it.
“Hey darling Yeo!” she kissed him on the cheek, then on the mouth. Fraizer turned away with disgust. Fat lady kissing a bald dude? I might as well watch an old man dance naked.
“Hey sweetie,” Justin said with difficulty locked in Peter’s deadly embrace, “That stupid dog just urinated on my boots! I hate Danny!”
“That makes two of us,” Fraizer shouted at the couple.
“I love you.” Peter looked deeply into Justin’s pink eyes.
“Now that…makes one of us.” Fraizer tried to get some attention.
“Oh yes,” Peter realized, and quickly explained what happened while closing the door behind him – shutting Danny out again.
“Woof! Fuck you! Woof! Woof!” The dog barked.
Justin ignored Danny and started to get on with his work – finding out who the hell Michael Phongsivorabouth was.
“If this helps, he’s gay!” Fraizer shouted helpfully.
“It helps.” Justin typed in the key words – “gay, Michael Phongsivorabouth”. Several porn websites came up but Justin ignored them, with great difficulty.
Peter poured iced chocolate black lemonade for everyone
“Oh shit…” Justin muttered, “Look at this…”
Chapter Four – The secret of David Ewww
-Run keeper of secrets for there is nowhere in which you can hide from me I know all I see all, my words are truth itself, run! Lest your innocence be ripped away and corruption corrode the very surface of your soul! -
David Ewww sat silently on his oversized chair, and before him was a dirty laptop sitting on his desk, there was an image of a naked black dog on its screen with a name underneath. It read – Danny Horseford.
The room with David Ewww inside had a dim light with dark corners, the whole room looked dirty and the smell of a variety of different foods filled the air. On the walls there were hundreds of pictures – pictures of men.
David was indeed a homosexual person, but he didn’t hang his naked lover’s picture up on his office, the pictures were of the dead – David’s victims. On his past missions, David killed a lot of people; he had a habit of hanging his victim’s commemorative picture on his wall, sort of like a trophy collection.
He liked to just stare at the pictures when he was eating, which was quite often. David also liked to think about his glory and victories when he was alone. He was a boastful person. Ahh.. my mum…David thought as he looked at a picture on the wall while munching a hamburger greedily, I’m very sorry about your death, but you had to go. You found out my secret…
He turned his gaze towards another picture, ah…My dear love, Bruce Lee. You simply had too many muscles; you were a potential threat to the KANGP organization. I had to absorb you. David took his shirt off slowly, and it was astonishing to find that on his stomach there were six packs lined together perfectly, muscular but also quite flabby.
121 men, 26 women and one cat, I’ve really killed a lot of people… David’s thought trailed him as he licked his fingers with lust. There were two empty portraits on one side of the wall, both with golden frames that stood out of the rest. There were names engraved underneath each – “Jack W Fraizer” and “Danny Horseford”.
They’d better be dead soon, Fraizer knows too much, and Danny… well, it’s personal with that stupid dog…David grinned as he thought.
“Bzzzt,” An annoying fly was flying around David’s office crazily, but David made no attempt to move.
Suddenly his flab shot out and caught the fly in midair! Absorbing it as he did so! There was a loud “Slurrrrp” noise. David smiled dreamily, unable to suppress his exhilaration, “desert.”
Back in Peter’s house, Yeo and Fraizer were standing in front of the laptop, scanning the screen desperately with shock. The screen read –
Michael Phongsivorabouth was born in 1921, he is now currently 86 years old. It is unknown how he looks so young, yet so gay. He had 114 previous boyfriends and he killed 50 of them, the others all committed suicide. Michael joined the KANGP organization in 1999, he is currently the commander of the G-A-Y unit.
KANGP is a name short for “Kill all non-gay people”. It is an organization filled with hippies and homos. The moral of this organization is to spread the practice of true and undefiled gayness. They plan to kill all non-homos and non-hippies and rule the world with George W Bush – the president of the United States of America along its side. George W Bush is also gay and is friends with Manbearpig – the leader of the organization.
Osama Bin-laden was once the leader of the KANGP, but after he ordered some of his hippies to drive four planes into the World Trade Centre in New York City, Mr Bush got mad. Osama Bin-Laden was never seen again and was replaced by Manbearpig.
Half the organizations are Mongolians, Cambodians, and hippies. Their newest mission is to kill a handsome young man called Jack Fraizer and a disgusting hideous dog named Danny Horseford for unknown reasons.
“Holy shit!” Fraizer breathed heavily, where did you get this information from?”
“Wikipedia,” Yeo replied casually.
“How would Wikipedia know all this stuff?”
“Don’t ask me.”
Peter handed the two men a cup of fresh lemon pearl ice green and red milk tea. The liquid fuzzed and had an awful stench. Just as Fraizer was about to pour the disgusting liquid in her face, the wall near Peter exploded and a man broke in!
“Freeze!” The man yelled at the three stunned people, the man was the soldier Ban, he pointed his machine gun at all three of him, and then he looked at Fraizer.
“Ha, what a pleasure, Mr…oh my god!” Ban yelled with disgust, “Keep your pants on professor!”
Fraizer looked down; he had forgotten that he wore no pants. Christ. He wondered why Justin and Peter didn’t ask. Bunch of perverts, Fraizer thought angrily.
Ban hated men, especially men in their boxers, they looked gay. He would rather his mum dance naked in public than looking at a dude in his boxers. Ban was a straight guy but he was also a Mongolian, and he was stupid enough to join the KANGP organization because he thought that “KANGP” meant kangaroos. He liked kangaroos.
Fraizer quickly seized this moment and dashed out, dragging the others along with him. Ban saw this happening and fired his machine gun.
Peter’s arm literally exploded, showering his boyfriend and Fraizer with blood! Peter fell abruptly and was so tired of running that she fell asleep the second she touched the ground. One down, two to go, Ban smiled.
Chapter Five – Jacob’s crush on Danny
-Killing an animal is bad. Killing a man is worse. Killing a bald dude with gay glasses is beyond imagination. -
“You…You shot my girlfriend! You bastard!” Yeo exclaimed.
“You can’t do anything for her. We have to escape, right now!” Fraizer shouted quickly at his companion, he tried to get Justin to move but had no success. Justin’s eyes were dead serious. He stared at Ban with indescribable hatred.
“Call this guy after you escape. He’ll know what to do. I will let everybody know what will happen to the guy who hurts my girlfriend!”
Those were the last words he heard from Justin as Fraizer ran across the hallway for the front door and out to the open. Justin stayed. His whole body was trembling with both fear and anger. Without a second thought, Justin charged towards Ban.
Ban was so dumb that he forgot to raise his fully equipped PMS-38 machine gun which could fire more than 900 rounds per minute. Lucky for him, Justin tripped over Peter halfway and fell down.
Shit, Justin thought, not cool.
“It’s okay darling Yeo, I’m here for you.” Peter muttered faintly and fell asleep again straight after.”
Fraizer heard gunshots and prayed for his comrades. May your bums be with you. Fraizer was sweating hard when he approached the black BMW vehicle; he had no choice but to take his tie and suit off. Great, now I have only my boxers on. I hate being nearly naked.
He reached the car doors and pulled – only to find out that it was locked! God damn it! Fraizer was furious at no one in particular. I’ve just locked myself out.
It seems like there was only one choice to escape Ban’s deadly clutches – run. Fraizer ran, he ran as hard as he could and as fast as he could on the streets half naked. Fraizer could feel the wind on places he had never felt before. Hmmm…Extraordinary feeling…
By his side Danny Horseford ran along with him, peeing as the dog ran.
It was not long before he attracted the police. Ten police cars immediately went hunting for Fraizer and all of them looked like they meant business.
“Naked man in bunny boxers! You are under arrest of exposing unwanted and distorted features of your body parts in public! Please stop running and make this easier for everyone.” The voice was from a police officer using a megaphone.
“I’m not fucking naked! I have boxers on!” Fraizer yelled back and kept running.
However, Fraizer couldn’t outrun ten police cars at the same time, soon after he was cornered and handcuffed by one of the police officers. Fraizer didn’t try to resist. He knew all was futile.
“You have the rights to remain naked. Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. You have the right to go to the toilet before questioning…” The droning sound of voices kept going.
Fine, I’ll remain half naked then…you fucking pervs. Fraizer found himself in a single cell at the police station handcuffed with no food. Danny Horseford was by his side. A police officer approached them a few minutes later. The police officer was very fat and had big red pimples all over his face. He wore glasses and looked like a nerd.
“I’m Officer Jacob Smithens. I’m here to remind you that the trial will take place tomorrow at 7pm.”
“I’ve already told you my story!”
“Yeah like I’d believe all that BS…wow! That’s a really hot dog you have there!” Jacob eyed Danny Horseford hungrily.
Fraizer couldn’t believe it. Was Jacob Smithens hitting on Danny Horseford? I’ve seen gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, but never gay dog lovers! Fraizer’s mind flashed and suddenly thought of something.
“I’ll give you the dog if you let me go!” Fraizer blurted out.
“Hmmm…You promise the dog will do anything for me?”
“I promise. Danny will be a good dog; he will do anything for his master.”
“Woof. Fuck you. Woof” Danny barked. It was as though it understood and was swearing.
“Done!” Jacob laughed triumphantly, “A red Ferrari with another naked man inside will be waiting outside the backdoor, quickly now!” Jacob opened the cell.
“Naked man? What the –” Fraizer started but was cut off by Jacob: “No time!”
Jacob grabbed Danny with both hands and his mouth started to drool. Fraizer raced out and found the red Ferrari with the naked man inside.
“Get out you stripper!” Fraizer shouted as he opened the car door.
“Speak for yourself you pole dancer!” The naked man retorted.
That does it. Fraizer punched him in the groin and heard a “Crack!” The man howled with pleasure, but Fraizer took this opportunity to push him out of the car and closed the door after him. Fraizer climbed in the driver’s seat and fired up the engine.
“Nooooooo” The naked man cried as Fraizer’s car disappeared in the streets.
In the police station, Jacob took Danny into a private room, nobody knew what happened then.
Chapter Six – Sacred Ritual
-We live in accursed times, all that is sacred is defiled, and all that is just corrupted. How may a man live in such times and still retain a shred of morality? He cannot-
It was at night. Black crows hung silently on the trees, the forest before Michael Phongsivorabouth looked ominous. It seemed that the crows were the only life forms beyond the wicked forest. Darkness stalks the realms of the vicious place, and it has engulfed everything within, even light. But Michael Phongsivorabouth was not afraid, because of one simple reason – he was gay.
He was indeed gay enough to decide to travel into this forest.
So this is the Forest of Yu-Gi-Oh? The very forest that gives me the power to turn people into cards and make them my slaves, thus becoming invincible, Michael was determined to become the General Executer of the KANGP organization, because then he would become the second most important person in the organization. Now “that” would catch Manbearpig’s attention.
Michael ventured slowly into the woods; he felt no fear of the dark and the constant moaning sounds that echoed around him. He didn’t know where he was heading, but nevertheless he kept on walking.
Shit! Michael swore in his mind as a black crow suddenly flew down to attack him, it was the fourth time now. He drew out a Gloch Pistol and put a bullet inside the crows head to conclude matters. Damn crows.
After about four hours he came to a halt before a lake. He was there; he could feel it in his bones. This is the lake of Phong’s tears, what a gay name. But it looks so majestic; the water in the lake looks like…almost looks like…tears?
He still recalled the ritual he had to perform. Michael Phongsivorabouth quickly took out some things from his puny backpack – piece of enchanted flab, Yu-Gi-Oh card deck consisting of 50 cards and a jump rope.
Michael started a fire and began playing with the jump rope as if it was a pole. The view was so obscene that some of the passing crows died instantly after catching a glimpse of him. Minutes later Michael took out the Yu-Gi-Oh card deck and killed himself.
Michael simply took out the Yu-Gi-Oh card deck and killed himself with it. But luckily the ritual was not a hoax and he was revived. The whole thing would be very complicated to explain in scientific standards, even Michael didn’t understand. Now that’s how it feels like to be dead, it feels… sexy~
Michael started dancing around with glee, humming gay songs as he moved. After that he realized that more and more crows were dying and falling down around him, they just fell off the sky.
There’s another crow…
Michael Phongsivorabouth stopped his demonic dance and straightened himself up. He retrieved his Yu-Gi-Oh card deck and headed for the exit of the forest, he laughed.
“Ha ha ha he ho eofhopaf’jAigfpaGJ pa’gjiapioj!~~~~”
Fraizer was inside a red Ferrari with only his boxers on. The comments he got from other drivers differed from one another. One old lady threw a piece of paper at him containing her phone number, and another old man flipped him off for making him lose his dinner.
God Damn mofos! Fraizer was angry, he was pretty damn sure that he wasn’t the type of guy that attracts old women, but regardless of his thoughts the phone numbers kept piling up. He pulled up beside a telephone booth and stepped out from his car.
Hmmm…0123456789. Whose phone number could that be?
He still recalled the phone number Justin gave him before his tragic death. Fraizer skilfully jumped inside the telephone booth, but soon realized that he had no change.
“Shit!” Fraizer shouted in frustration, “God damn that George Bush! Why can’t telephone booths be free?”
There’s only one solution…
Fraizer quickly took out a hat from nowhere, and he left it on the floor beside a sign that read – “if you like it, please spare me some change, but I don’t do overnights.” Fraizer started taking off all his clothes – not that he had a lot on him – and then found a stick and began pole dancing and singing.
“Walking down the road in a straight line~~ But not a straight guy~~~”
About half an hour later the hat was full enough with coins for a phone call. He also received some admiration from an old lady. But Fraizer told her to fudge off because she was too damn old.
“I don’t know what they’ve been feeding you, but you’re too damn old!” Fraizer yelled.
Fraizer quickly started dressing and dialled the number. He waited for it to ring and the voice to speak.
“How are you? I am Professor Fraizer and Justin told me to call you.”
“What do you want?”
“Just tell me what you need to tell me.”
“Okay, I’m Bill Gates. Justin did call me earlier on. He told me to tell you that you are in grave danger. And you need to look up a book called ‘Sacred Yu-Gi-Oh ritual’.”
“I have a classified meeting with Kevin Rudd at eight, so I really have to get going, bye!”
Fraizer stood there motionless, confused with what to do. He was too tired to do anything else so he spent the night in the phone booth, worrying about what to do next and also about the possibilities of old ladies towering over him when he wakes up.
Chapter Seven – Blob
-I am fat. I am bouncy. I am asexual. I am blob.-
“Here, little puppy. Come to daddy.” Jacob Smithens intoned disturbingly. In addition, his smile was worse than his tone, which sent a shiver down Danny Horseford’s spine.
Danny Horseford shrieked and yelped, but was unable to move because there were metal chains tied to its legs – one of Jacob Smithen’s strange hobbies. I am going to kill this creature after I get untied, the dog thought bitterly.
After some of Jacob Smithens’s extremely dirty talks, he started taking his clothes off. Danny Horseford screamed in its head, and that’s when Danny Horseford morphed.
That’s right, the dog morphed into a giant blob with a mouth and a tongue. The naked body of Jacob Smithens was so obscene that it caused half of Danny Horseford’s cells to die hence creating a whole new life form.
Jacob Smithens was shocked, but also filled with pleasure because he had never molested this kind of creature before. However, he never had a chance; he didn’t even let a single word out before getting absorbed by the blob. Jacob felt an urge of pleasure, then…nothing.
OMG! What am I! I want to be a dog again! Danny shrieked silently in its head. It suddenly realized that it can turn into any shape or colour it wants. I’m a monster! Nooo… Wait a minute; if I’m a monster, then I can do anything I want. Hmmm…let’s start by getting Ban back; the guy killed my pathetic owners. If this plan is to proceed, then I have to find Fraizer and align with him.
Danny Horseford changed its shape into Osama Bin-Laden and walked out of the police building unnoticed. He whistled and urinated on a police officer’s boots, then ran like the wind.
Ban was winking and dancing while driving his silver Toyota Sera 92’. Although he was stupid and had low capacity for memory, he still remembered that he demolished Peter and her boyfriend Yeo. He kept replaying the scene inside his head. It was fabulous and done like a pro.
Halfway down the streets, his car exploded. “BANG!”
“WTF!?” Ban shouted in dismay.
The car blew up and sparks were flying everywhere, the car was in flames and the force was so astounding that it threw Ban one kilometre away. Ban was souring high up in the air and he felt like he was a kangaroo. However, he accidentally hit a bird in air.
“Arrrghh! Fuck you! Arrghh!” The bird chirped in anger.
Wait a minute, did I just hear…? No, that can’t be, birds can’t talk. Ban was surprised.
He then fell hard on concrete and twisted his neck in an unnatural way, but luckily Ban did not get other injuries besides that. When he realized this he was so happy that he danced around again with joy. He was too much a simpleton to be confused for the explosion of his car.
Half way during his demonic dance, Ban’s cell phone rang, but he was so happy that he forgot to pick it up. He only just realized after a total stranger pointed it out for him. Ban picked the phone up.
“Hello? I’m the Ant.” Ban waited for a reply.
“Hello fellow imbecile, I am the great true one and only Manbearpig.” Manbearpig answered.
“What?! Oh sorry, is there anything I can do for you? My liege?” Ban was stupid, but he was certainly not stupid enough to forget his own boss, the one that controls the community of gayness.
“A typhoon hit Taiwan a couple days ago, so now I’m stranded in Taiwan. I can’t reach the Giraffe so I need you to find him and give him my orders.”
Ban was shocked. Manbearpig stranded in Taiwan means that currently there is no leader of the KANGP organization present in America, therefore anyone could try and overtake the leader’s seat. Manbearpig could be out of power quicker than you can say the word ‘Gay’.
“How long will you be stranded there for?”
“Maybe two years.”
Shit! Ban thought, that’s definitely enough time for someone to take over.
“What are your orders?”
Manbearpig replied: “I want Fraizer dead, and bring Danny Horseford to me. Don’t hurt Danny because I want to deal with the dog personally. Manbearpig, out.”
“Roger that sir. Ant, out.”
Ban was thinking hard, which was pretty rare. The people who are the most likely to takeover are Pullit Pathirangens and his mum Dildo Scripens. Pullit is a gay person that envies Manbearpig, and his mum would certainly help him. Hmmm, of course… this is getting dangerous.
A total random kid popped out from nowhere. The kid looked curious and questioned his mum about the weird behaviour of Ban.
The mum replied: “Don’t disturb the dude. He seems to be on the verge of a breakthrough.”
Ban was thinking hard, again with great difficulty. Apart from Pullit and his mum, there is also another dangerous force out there – The Mongolian Tribe. The leader of the Mongolian tribe is called Rominic R Mongo, he is gay and drinks horse blood and eats raw meat. It was said that the only way to kill him is by ripping his clothes off and making him look into a mirror, otherwise he is invincible.
Then Ban blacked out because he was thinking too hard.
Chapter Eight – The challenge from Michael Phongsivorabouth
-What’s another word for gayness? - Michael Phongsivorabouth.-
It was snowy; the whiteness landed on the entire city of New York, covering the blackness as it spread through the streets.
“Arrrgh! My skin looks white now, I am finally free!” said an African-American out of nowhere.
The cities look whiter than usual, apart from that little alteration it’s still the same old New York – crowded, busy and full of gayness. It was night time, and Fraizer trudged down dark alleys alone with only his boxers on. The old ladies had taken much away from him; luckily he managed to get out without being molested. However, they did touch him in unimaginable ways.
Fraizer preferred not to think about it.
Suddenly, as he was walking down the dark alley, a black Escape Ford pulled over before him. An old wrinkled Blackman stepped out of the car. The man was wearing a yellow gayish suit and a tie, you can also tell that he was gay by the sign he was holding, and it read – IN NEED OF GAY BLACK MAN.
The black man moved closer towards Fraizer, and said: “I’m gay.”
What the hell? He admits his gay? He is soo much like Michael Phongsivorabouth, Fraizer thought.
“Isn’t it pretty obvious?” replied Fraizer.
“Are you fucking being racist you yellow fag with no home, no pride, no dignity and no fucking beard? You think all black men are gay? Huh? Is that what you’re implying? Go eat some fried lice you Gaysian.”
Fraizer was mad, and he yelled: “Shut up you slave! Your ancestors were slaves to the white! Your ancestor’s ancestors were slaves to the white. And your ancestor’s ancestor’s ancestors were slaves to the whites!”
“I’m not here looking for trouble.” The black man said, “My name is Michelle Ball.”
“Where’s your other ball?” Fraizer snickered.
“…” Michelle looked murderous, but he calmed himself down quickly. “I have no intention of fighting with you. I am here to deliver a message from my loyal gay master.”
Is everyone in the world gay…? Fraizer sighed, “Tell me then.”
Michelle gave him a gay smile, “Thank you. I am delivering a message from Michael Phongsivorabouth. He said to meet him at a club called Naked Dreams.”
“I am not gay for your information. And if I meet him there he’ll rape me after he kills me.”
“He said it’s a battle.” Michelle replies, “If he wins then he gets to accomplish his mission and kill you and ‘experiment’ with your body. If you win, then you walk away as a free man.”
“Hmmm…” Fraizer thought about this for a moment, “okay. How about eightish on December 25th?”
“No problem,” said Michelle, “We’ll see you then.”
Just like that Michelle walked back to his vehicle and took off, leaving Fraizer alone wandering what to bring to destroy Michael. The snow fell mercilessly on Fraizer’s head, but he didn’t seem to notice.
Coldness brushed against him, and that’s when Fraizer began to walk. He made up his mind; he will be heading to Japan – the country that produces Yu-Gi-Oh cards.
I will seek help in Japan.
Danny Horseford headed towards nowhere before getting arrested. The police chief recognized him as Osama Bin-Laden immediately and surrounded him, but Danny simply absorbed them by shooting out its blob bits.
In a second every police officer was gone, and Danny licked his lips, by doing that he realizes that he didn’t have lips. So he turned on of his blob bits to a pair of lips and licked them.
It was now November the 29th, Danny failed to find Fraizer. If I can’t find Fraizer, then I guess I’ll have to get in contact with Manbearpig. He knows everything. I know he’s in Taiwan for a holiday right now, but how can I persuade him for information.
Danny thought about this for a minute, wait a minute, I can takeover the KANGP organization and then Manbearpig will have to listen to me if he wants his power back!
Danny was so happy that he accidentally absorbed a part of himself. He stopped quickly and headed towards the tower of gayness – the official tower of the KANGP organization.
He was swift because he transformed himself into a rocket and got there in no time. He was just in time to meet two other forces that was trying to takeover – Pullit and his mum force and the Mongolian Tribe.
“What…are you?” Rominic R Mongo said in awe after catching sight of Danny.
“I’m a blob, and I’m here to takeover the tower.”
“Over my dead body!” yelled Dildo.
“Fine by me,” sighed Danny, and he absorbed Dildo.
“What the fuck?” yelled Pullit, “You’re dead meat! You just killed my mum! Come on folks, let’s pull it! Harder!”
Pullit and his force pulled it, but nothing happened, and they all got absorbed by Danny Horseford. Rominic send his Mongolians out to kill the blob, but the battle was forced aside when the gate of the tower opened and dozens of pigs poured out.
Oh no! Thought Rominic, I’ve heard this legend! Manbearpig’s loyal servant will protect the tower to the death. The first line of defence is pigs, and the second line defence is bears, the last will be billions of small individual flabs ripped from David Ewww, aka Flabbers.
Rominic ordered his force to back away from the pigs, and waited for Danny to absorb them all. However, Danny Horseford seems to be unable to do anything. Arrrgh! Though Danny, I’ve absorbed too much for one day, even a blob has its limits. I need to go to the toilet.
Just then the gate of the tower exploded and all hell came loose. Pigs, Bears, FLABBERS!!
Chapter nine – The past of David Ewww
-Manbearpig – what is it?-
Fraizer arrived at the airport at exactly 5 am; he was exhausted after his two day walk to the airport. With great difficultly, he staggered inside the building and found out that everyone’s gazes seems to be locked on him.
“Oh, shit…” Fraizer muttered, “I need some damn pants.”
Fraizer quickly ran in the nearest toilet and found a woman inside.
“What the hell?” Fraizer shouted, “What are YOU doing in a men’s toilet!”
“I am a man.” The woman replied gayly, showing him the evidence.
“Arrrghh!” Fraizer was temporarily blinded for a second, “I don’t want the fucking evidence. Just go away you genderless person. By the way that doesn’t even look real, it looks like steel you idiot.”
The woman-like man walked sadly away, and after a few seconds of searching Fraizer quickly found his target – an old man washing his hands. Fraizer quickly went over and punched the old man in the face.
“Son of a beach!” the old man yelled, “What was that for? You gigolo!”
Now why didn’t he fall unconscious like everybody does in the movies, so I can take his pants?
Fraizer tried to punch the old man again, but this time the old man caught Fraizer’s hand in midair and twisted it 180 degrees.
“Fuck you old man!” Fraizer yelled in pain as he tried to jerk free.
The old man gave him no response and then jabbed him hard in the stomach, the old man laughed and left with these words: “I am gay, but I don’t like you.”
Great, first I get humiliated by wearing boxers in front of everyone in the airport, now I get beaten up by a gay old man? God damn Americans!
Manbearpig was in a meeting with six members of the high councils of the KANGP organization. Manbearpig sat in an extra extendable chair, and the other six members were – George Bush, John Howard, Hu Jintao, Tran Duc Luong, Mr Mofo and one Flabber.
“Okay, now that everyone is here,” Manbearpig announced, “let the meeting commence.”
However, just then, Manbearpig farted.
“I need…I need air!”
Everyone except Manbearpig died, even the flabber died. It was indeed a tragedy.
“Oops…” Manbearpig sighed, “That wasn’t how I planned to end this meeting….”
Suddenly the building exploded because the fart Manbearpig produced was so incredibly flammable that it exploded when it made contact with warm air. Manbearpig still lived on, his flab resurrected himself and made him whole again, it seemed like nothing even happened.
David Ewww was flummoxed.
Why…? Why does it have to be me? Just because I’m gay? That’s not fair! I’m too dangerous… He started to think about his past…
A young David Ewww was sitting on a chair, cuddling his cat.
“Here, here snuffles.” David whispered kindly.
Suddenly Snuffles the cat vanished.
“Where is snuffles?!” David Ewww screamed, he looked down but the only thing he saw was mountains of flab moving. The incident was unprecedented. He heard a faint ‘meow’ coming from the flabs.
I am a monster…
David Ewww mourned over his dead cat, the sadness washed over him like nothing he had experienced in the past. He cried, but all his tears were blocked by the flabs near his eyes.
I have to end this.
David Ewww tried to end his pathetic life by jumping in a river. Okay…David thought as he looked down at the Lake of Phong’s tears, so this is how it’s going to end? What a loser way to die.
David jumped, soaring in the air like a flying elephant, blinding crows nearby. As soon as his body touched the surface of the lake he heard a loud ‘slurrrp!’.
Mother Teresa! Where is all the water? It was here a second ago! David Ewww looked around, and settled his gaze on his very own rumbling flabs. The flabs moved and were covered in water, they were extremely heavy and dense, and David realized the same thing happened again.
I have powers…my indispensable destiny lies within absorbing and gayness, I was sent here to remind all Homo sapiens that they were once gay. I shall become the greatest of all time…
From this point forward, David Ewww shaped himself as Manbearpig and began his absorbing career.
On the other side, Danny Horseford and Rominic were busily fending off their opponents.
“Get off you piece of flab!” Danny Horseford howled in dismay as one of the flabbers squirted oil at him. Instantaneously he shaped himself as a flabber and blended in successfully. Danny bounced towards the nearest public toilet and out of sight, leaving Rominic fighting alone with his tribe.
“You are pissing me off!” shouted Rominic, he pulled an AK-47 out of his pocket and shot one of the flabs. ‘Bang!’
The flab was demolished and Rominic howled with glee. Just when he thought he was about to see victory, all of the flabbers joined together! Absorbing the bears and pigs during the process!
‘Slurrrrp!’ ‘Slurrrrp!’ ‘Slurrrrp!’ ‘Slurrrrp!’ ‘Slurrrrp!’ ‘Slurrrrp!’ ‘Slurrrrp!’
The giant flabbers, pigs and bears formed a huge great white piece of flab. The flab wiggled, the flab bounced, the flab dribbled, the flab drooled. An ugly stench flowed around the giant flab; obscene oils seeped through the cracks in the ground.
The giant flab advanced.
Holy cow! Rominic yelled in horror as he watch his tribe getting absorbed one by one by the giant piece of flab. Rominic had no choice; he had to use his final weapon.
If I stay and fight I get absorbed, if I run I’ll still get absorbed, it’s just a matter of time. This leaves me no choice. I have to use it.
Rominic took off his clothes, and started to sing. “Oh yeah baby~ Come to Mongolian papa~ you know you want it~”
Suddenly, a strong beam of light emerged from Rominic’s mouth; the beam of light slowly covered the whole of Rominic’s body. Slowly, very slowly, Rominic’s body began to change…into a Yu-Gi-Oh card!
Chapter ten – Black Jesus
-Black Jesus. White Jesus. Asian Jesus..-
Danny Horseford watched in awe as he saw Rominic turn into a Yu-Gi-Oh card.
“Stupid Mongo’s…” Danny muttered, “How does he do that?!”
“With great difficulty.” a faint voice replied from nowhere.
The giant flab detected the presence of Danny and tried to move, but it was unable to do so since it was growing larger by the minute therefore increasing the force of gravity.
Hah, take that you piece of flab! Danny smiled triumphantly and picked up the Yu-Gi-Oh card. However, the nightmare was not over just yet.
The giant flab was so huge that according to grade 9 science – the larger the mass the stronger the attraction force between two objects will be – that everything was flying towards the giant flab!
The giant flab grew bigger and bigger after absorbing numerous objects, Danny Horseford changed himself into a flabber and stuck himself onto the Earth’s crust to avoid the suction. David Ewww’s flab is too powerful…
According to Einstein’s theory, the theory of relativity – the larger the mass was, the faster it goes, and the faster it goes, the slower the time will be, therefore producing a black hole.
Just what I needed to end my day…Danny thought miserably.
The force was so strong that Pullit was sucked out of Danny’s body! However his mum was not so lucky since she was already digested by Danny. At the very moment Danny thought of an idea.
“What?” Pullit said with difficult while clinging on to dear life as he grabbed onto Danny.
“Okay, sorry.” Danny chuckled, “I have a plan to close the black hole and save the world.”
“Well I’ve read many books when I was still a dog. Despite the gay stuff I read, there was this science book that said if you have something big enough and put it on the entrance of the black hole, it will act like a plug and stop the suction.”
Pullit thought hard, “I’m not big enough anyway. So I can’t help.”
“That’s where you’re wrong…” Danny said in a serious tone, “What religion are you, Pullit?”
“What? But you’re black!”
“I swear to Black Jesus that I will personally rip you to shreds one day.” Pullit said.
“Call on the help of Black Jesus.”
“Just do as I say or all will be lost!” Danny scowled.
Pullit had no choice, it was now or never. He performed the sacred ritual of blackies – to sing the song of his ancestors.
Pullit began: “Oh my gods~ Oh my grandpas~ Oh my lovely grandmas~ “
Slowly, a giant appeared from the sky and beyond. The giant was black and wore glasses, it spoke: “I am the black Jesus! My name is Kevin Baing, I speak for all the African-Americans. How may I help you?”
“I wish to terminate the black hole.”
“Be careful of what you wish for.” Kevin eyed Pullit meaningfully, and then Kevin vanished, taking the black hole with him.
“Harder.” Danny chuckled.
Pullit flipped him off, and walked away towards the shining horizon. Danny Horseford re-shaped himself into his original dog form, and took the first step towards the tower of gayness.
I am in control now.
Fraizer hopped out of the toilet with only his boxers on, his attempt to confiscate pants had failed. He ignored the weird gazes from strangers and occasionally he flipped them off.
People wearing boxers aren’t weird! Fraizer thought angrily, gay people are weirder! And frankly I’ve met more gay people than straight people!
General emerged out of nowhere, you can tell that he was General because of the uniform. The General had a gold badge. The General spoke: “Hello Jack Fraizer. I am The General. My birth name is Charlie. I am here to give you this DVD about David Ewww and providing you with a personal aircraft to Japan. You’ll find all your answers inside the DVD.”
What is happening?!
The General lead him to the outside of the airport and pointed at a Mongolianish aircraft. “Good trip, professor.”
The General disappeared into the mist.
Although still very much confused, Fraizer hopped onto the plane and found a pilot driving it. He leaned backwards as the plane took off, and then put the disc inside the portable DVD player. He watched it with horror…
Chapter eleven – The second challenge
And by the thousands they shall come,
Death where they step,
Plague where they breathe,
And the world shall know fear!
Walking down the Japanese streets in Tokyo, Fraizer shuddered at the prophecy of Allah wrote in 8000BC that was mentioned in the end of the documentary film about Manbearpig. Fraizer knew that Allah was the Muslim god, although he had nothing against Muslims, he thought that prophecies made by the god of suicidal people were hardly worth believing.
However, it was The General who gave it to him, the general can’t be wrong. Fraizer started to think. I’m pretty sure this is a prophecy about Manbearpig. He is growing flabbier and more powerful by the second, I have to stop him.
“Ohaiyogozaimasu.” said a random Japanese man with beady little eyes and no pants, “Watashi wa GAY desu.”
Okay…What the fuck?!
“Well, good for you.” Fraizer rolled his eyes.
The random Japanese guy seemed happy, and he danced with joy with a perverted smile on his face. “Me know little English, me name is James Whores.”
I guess whores aren’t that different from gays…hey, wait a minute, He’s a Jap! He might know something about the book called Sacred Yu-Gi-Oh ritual.
“So ummm…Mr. Whores, you know anything about a book called Sacred Yu-Gi-Oh ritual?” Fraizer asked casually, trying not to get too close to the half naked Jap.
“Ah…me know little bout this book. Me have a copy desu.”
Okay…This is just getting stupid.
Despite Fraizer’s doubts, James Whores produced a book out of nowhere, he gave it too Fraizer.
Ahh, good. Now I’m going to do the honors.
Fraizer took the book and took a mirror out of his pocket, he showed it to James Whores and the horrible image killed him instantly.
Hah, Manbearpig style. I like it.
David Ewww was again, sitting in his office alone. The room was silent and had the smell of billions of different food. Suddenly, David’s Ewww’s MSN made a perverted moaning sound resembling an old lady. The message was from “The dog”.
Who could that be? No one has ever sent me messages before, including my flabbers. I have a friend?!
David was so delighted that he accidentally fell down and couldn’t get up for four days. Delightful tears would have trickled down his face if not for his flabs absorbing them instantly. David scrolled down the message and read – To Manbearpig: I have taken over your tower of gayness; you and your whole organization are at my mercy.
David typed back quickly with the words: How did you get my MSN?
The response was instantaneous, the screen showed: It’s pretty easy, I just added [email protected]
I’m famous. Manbearpig chuckled with gayness.
He typed – What do you want?
The dog replied with – Meet me at the club called naked dreams on December the 25th, I’ll...be waiting~
Although Manbearpig couldn’t see what was going on in “The dog’s” place, but he could imagine the gay laughs it was producing. The computing must’ve sensed it too, since it blew up but the pieces got absorbed with a loud “Slurrrrrrrrrp!”
David had gone absurd; he couldn’t believe his entire tower had been brought down, despite the flabbers on watch; “The dog” must’ve been pretty powerful. David started going crazy and yelled out unimaginable pig shouts.
“Oink! Oink! God damn that oink!”
In a split second the whole room was absorbed and Manbearpig stood alone dancing with rage around the empty space. A bird flew delicately past Manbearpig, but suddenly David’s flab shot out.
The bird was not absorbed, and instead it got smacked away towards the horizon.
Later on more and more birds flew gracefully and they were all at least 100m away from David, but David’s flab was unstoppable.
“Smack, Smack, Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack! Smack!”
“Arrgh!” One of the birds chirped in agony and shot past a couple of gay men and towards the horizon.
Fraizer was trying to read the book that James Whores had given him. Hi flipped open to the first page and he ignored the obscene pictures of gay Japanese men on Yu-Gi-Oh cards with great difficulty.
Shit. The book is in French, and the only languages I know are Japanese, English, Italian and Gaylish. Why would a freaking Japanese book be written in French?! This is so not funny!
Fraizer had no other options but to revive James Whores, but the question is, how? He recalled back then when he was a kid he used to play with black men, he tried not to think about the gay parts and he remembered that when the blackies were in trouble they call on the help of Black Jesus by singing a country song.
“Oh my lovely black grandmas~ Oh my lovely black dads~”
A giant emerged out of the clouds and wore glasses, it spoke: “You’re grandma is not black you retard.”
“Are you the almighty black Jesus?”
“I am Kevin Baing and I speak for all blackies, obviously you are not.”
Fraizer replied: “I have access to giant poles~”
Kevin Baing instantly nodded and smiled gayly, “Mmm. Tempting. Okay, deal. How may I help you?”
“Revive James Whores.”
“But he’s Japanese! They have no souls!”
In a split second James Whores reappeared out of nowhere, he looked confused. Kevin Baing started to do a lap dance with the poles.
“Not in public.” Fraizer yelled.
“Awwww” Black Jesus ran away in sadness with his giant poles.
“So….” Fraizer started, “How do I read this?”
Fraizer showed James the book.
James Whores saw the obscene pictured and yelled with pleasure, he then passed out with excitement. This was one of the highlights of James life. Fraizer sighed.
Chapter Twelve – Power Rankings
-Fortune favours the gay. -
Danny Horseford was giggling maniacally by itself, because he was very excited after outsmarting Manbearpig single-handedly. Danny changed form into a giant mouth to enhance its laughter, a poor bird flying by the window accidentally saw this horrible scene and after that the bird tried to kill itself to relief the pain of sight.
Danny Changed form back to Osama Bin-Laden and checked the website of power rankings. The screen displayed this:
Ranking Name Type Kill Status
1 Manbearpig Flabs 154 Alive in Taiwan
2 General N/A N/A Alive
3 Black Jesus God N/A Alive
4 Danny Horseford Blob 21 Alive in tower of gayness
5 Michael Phongsivorabouth Gay 114 Alive in America
6 James Whores Japanese 0 Alive in Japan
7 Jacob Smithens Pervert 4 Dead
8 Peter Yeo N/A 0 N/A
9 Giant Flabber Flabs 99 N/A
10 Mr Mofo Cambodian 7 Dead
11 Rominic R Mongo Mongolian 191 N/A
12 Man-Basher Woman 781 N/A
13 Bimon Suckly Man 0 Alive
He he, Danny Horseford laughed inside his blobby mind, On December the 25th I shall demolish Manbearpig and become number one! I can’t find General and Black Jesus is just too much, so Manbearpig is my only option.
Danny smiled, the creator of this website obviously had the latest update of all information, but there was one thing that really intrigued Danny.
“Hmmm…” Danny scrolled down and highlighted a name that was ranked number eight. Peter Yeo? Who could that be? And why does it have Peter Wang’s last name and Justin Yeo’s first name…?
Danny thought for a moment but soon got bored, I have other things at stake…There’s only one month left, I’ve to prepare for my ultimate battle against Manbearpig…
Ban Tran the ant woke up and found himself lying on the streets naked. He felt a sudden breeze. Where are all my clothes? Ban looked around but came up with no answer. He checked his watch, What?! It’s already November the 14th? Shit! I blacked out for a month!
Ban wanted to cry, but he was so stupid that he forgot how to produce tears. So instead he started to dance around in agony, many bugs died when they saw the scene. Luckily no humans suffered from Ban’s horrible dance, because nobody was around. Ban danced and danced and danced, he forgot to stop and danced all the way till nightfall.
The moon hung ominously from the sky and the clouds seemed to mimic a picture of a hideous face. It was very quiet and peaceful since every bug died, no one walked by. It was scary, like the whole world had deserted Ban. He panicked but couldn’t do a thing about it, he felt alone and helpless – until he found a giant rubbish bin. It was two meters tall and about five meters wide.
Ban got curious, although he loved kangaroos, he also loves rubbish bins. He once found a pair of Mongolian boxers in a trash can nearby, he couldn’t get over the excitement for over a month. Ban climbed in.
“Oi!” said a gay voice, “What are you doing in my house?”
“What?!” Ban exclaimed, “you live in a trash can!?”
“Of course – What the fuck man!” A blond penguinish looking bloke emerged out of the darkness, “Put some pants on!”
“That’s the problem, I can’t find them.”
“It doesn’t matter, because I have just the thing for you.” The blond bloke vanished and reemerged after two seconds with a black bikini.
“You’ve got to be kidding…”
“A black bikini is time saves nine. Plus, it’s better than nothing. Ewww.”
Ban liked the idea, because he’s always fantasized himself in a black bikini, his wish had finally come true. Just when Ban put the bikinis on, he evolved.
“Ban the ant evolved to the black Bikiniman!” A voice from nowhere explained.
“Wow. I’ll introduce myself, I’m Bimon Suckley,” said the blonde bloke, “See? L cup suits you just fine.”
“Wait a minute, are you a KANGP?” Bimon suddenly asked.
“I don’t know that kind of Pokemon.”
“It’s not a Pokemon you idiot!” Bimon scowled, it’s an organization for gay men like Rominic.”
“I want to join you.”
“I have a plan,” Bimon replied, “The plan involves me joining KAGP. But I purposefully forgot what the plan was because it’s top secret. So in the time being let’s just say that I’m gay.”
Manbearpig was in trouble, if he wants to face ‘The dog’ then he had to get out of Taiwan, But the last time he checked the typhoon won’t be gone for another two years,
Manbearpig walked slowly to the beach, he looked at the direction of America. There’s only one way…Darn it! I didn’t plan to use this move so early! I was saving my energy for the battle.
Manbearpig focused his energy for an hour, and then it erupted. “Slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!”
David’s flabs multiplied by billions and constructed themselves into a bridge to America. This was one of David’s strongest moves – Flab Bridge!
The flabs wobbled and dripped oil into the ocean, the flab bridge was so long that you can’t see the end of it. The road of victory has been opened, Manbearpig chuckled, and I’m on my way.
Manbearpig ripped off the flabs of Flab Bridge that was still connected to him and stuck it onto the ground. Manbearpig stepped on the flab bridge and started to whistle and sing at the same time. The song sounded like “Hero” from Mariah Carey.
“There are some flabs
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away
And then some flabs comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like the flab is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That lots of flabs lies in you
It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find flabs
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt will disappear.”
Suddenly the flab bridge broke and Manbearpig fell into the ocean.
Shit, should’ve lost some weight…
Chapter Thirteen – The Island
-Has anyone seen any gay people lately? Thought not the world is becoming so boring-
Dean Bolave was a young pilot from the US air force, and he flies around the world secretly in order to obtain military data from other countries. Dean was about five foot tall and had dark hair that looked like it had been cut by putting a bowl on his head. It looked pretty gay, but no one really cared.
Dean sat comfortably on his pilot seat, scouting the regions below. His plane was a ‘Fight Sazuki 69’. Beside Dean sat Max Chewcock, a man that was definitely gay judging by his last name.
“Ahhh…” Max said dreamily, “last night I chewed the most delicious thing ever…”
“I don’t want to hear about it,” grunted Dean, he started searching the areas below him again. Suddenly, he spotted an island that had never appeared on any maps that Dean had seen before.
“Dude, look!” exclaimed Dean.
“Oooh,” Chewcock replied, “It’s naked!”
“It’s an island you moron.” Dean lowered his fighting jet for a closer look. Hmmm…We are currently at the top of the Pacific Ocean, and the island is situated very close to Taiwan. Wait…the island looks like it is moving?! Almost as if…
The island made a sudden movement that interrupted Dean’s train of thoughts, and he heard a loud “Slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!”
“What the White Jesus is going on!” Dean yelled as he felt the entire plane getting pulled down by a dynamic force, “We’re being sucked in by an island?! I’m too young to die!”
“Don’t worry, this plane is made by double reinforced steel that cover the entire jet from top to bottom with three layers, it ain’t gonna break that easy!”
A long crack emerged on the ceiling; the whole plane was getting squashed!
“Shit, it’s made in China.” Max recalled with horror.
The last thing Max was thinking about was a naked elephant, and then he fainted.
The General emerged out of nowhere inside the tower of Gayness. The General walked towards the sleeping Danny Horseford and awoke it by punching it in the face.
“Woof! Woof! Fuck you!”
“Relax blob, I’m here to aid you.”
“Oh…In what way?” Danny said gayly.
“Shut up and listen!” snapped the General, “On the day of the ultimate battle, lots of people will be there, not only Manbearpig.”
“Fraizer, Peter Yeo, James Whores and I will come to your help – “
“Who’s Peter Yeo?” interrupted Danny.
“Shut up and listen you dog!” General scowled, “We are facing much stronger forces. Our enemies that will be there include Manbearpig, Michael Phongsivorabouth, Michelle Ball, Bimon Suckley and even Bikiniman. My resources show that the KANGP might even attempt to bring Jacob Smithens back to life.”
“W…Wo…W…Woo…Wow.” stuttered Danny, “that’s not fair!”
“I have a plan.” reassured General solemnly, “I have organized the opponents that each of you are gonna face. Fraizer will battle Michael Phongsivorabouth, Peter Yeo will confront Michelle Ball and maybe Jacob Smitehns, I will deal with Bimon Suckley alone. In the mean time, your job is to try and stop Manbearpig from advancing and absorbing us during the battle.”
“Can’t I just kill him?”
“Shut up and listen you pathetic blob!” growled General, “Manbearpig is not the person you can finish off alone. He is far too powerful.”
“Then how am I supposed to stop him?”
“Shut up and listen!” General look tired, “Manbearpig is basically a puddle of flabs joined together with a brain. He can multiply and change the form of his flabs at will. Bullets, grenades or even nuclear bombs cannot harm him, because he simply just shoots out a string of flab and absorb them.”
“Then he’s basically invincible!”
“My plan is for you to stalk him until each of us finishes off our enemies. Then we attack him together.”
This was too much to take in for Danny, and he changed form into Michael Jackson and started to shake his butt and dance, “Arrrrgh!” General was temporarily blinded for an hour and scurried away desperately.
“It says on the book…that you have to shout out a sacred sentence to activate the curse of Yu-Gi-Oh…” James Whores read, with a gay confused tone.
“Just tell me the damn line!” Fumed Fraizer, “I’m on a tight schedule here! I only have one week till the meeting with Michael Phongsivorabouth.”
“Okay, okay…” James started to read again, “You have to utter the world Qualakajohuyourmamaisgay, and then you have the say the opponent’s name, that’s all.”
“Right.” Fraizer uttered the words, “Qualakajohuyourmamaisgay James Whores.”
A blue of light appeared from the ceiling and consumed James; the scene of James screaming was very disturbing since he didn’t have any pants on. A massive explosion and then silence. On the floor there was lay a lone Yu-GI-Oh card with a very disturbing figure on it, the words on top read – James Whores.
“May your bum be with you,” Fraizer prayed, and them he picked up the Yu-Gi-Oh card and left. I will head towards the club of naked dreams today, the battle will soon commence!
David Eww was swimming in the ocean, his flabs kept him afloat. Ho ho ho, I just absorbed a fighting jet! This must be a world record or something…
David Eww multiplied his flabs again and made a flab boat out of no time. He quickly climbed aboard and started to dance with pleasure, his flabs rumbled with the beat. I am a free man with free flabs~ Oh my land~ Oh my soldiers~ Oh my flabs~
A seagull fell down to the deck, along with dozens more. David smiled. I’m going to get there in two days time. I shall prepare for my battle!
Pullit was a KANGP, however, he was also a secret FBI agent under cover in the organization. He never saw Manbearpig in his life, because it was clever and covered its trails even to its comrades. Pullit was surfing the web, he suddenly realised he might actually get a picture of Manbearpig on the web!
Pullit went in Blackle – an energy saving website for African-Americans. It was black. I like it dark…
He typed in “Manbearpig, picture” and went in the first site that came up. He clicked on the icon. The screen displayed this –
Pullit screamed and fell on the floor. Everything went black.
Chapter Fourteen – Let the battle commence!
-It’s everyman for himself.-
Fraizer walked into the strip club called Naked Dreams. To his surprise, there were no strippers or pole dancers waiting. Damn it! They must have ran away, who could miss a face like Michael Phongsivorabouth?
Just as Fraizer was about to do nothing, a face that you cannot miss appeared. It was Michael Phongsivorabouth. Michael smiled pervertly, and fired his AK-47 at Fraizer.
“Shit!” Fraizer tried to outrun the bullets but failed, he felt immense pain from his backside, “You didn’t say we were allowed to bring weapons!”
“It’s a battle you fool.” Michael walked closer and levelled his machine gun at Fraizer’s head carefully, “It’s over, professor.”
“It’s over for you,” Fraizer’s tone changed, “you have stepped into my trap!”
Fraizer took out a Yu-Gi-Oh card and yelled: “I use James Whores in offensive position! Attack Michael!”
James Whores emerged from of a beam of white light, and lunged at Michael but missed, and crashed randomly into the toilet.
“Ha,” Michael smiled, “It’s my turn, I use Banthony Ryan in offensive position! Use flab bullets!”
Banthony stepped out and shot out a line of flab bullets. The flab bullets rammed in hard on Fraizer’s face, but didn’t have any effect since they were made out of flabs. A dog emerged out of the blue and absorbed Banthony Ryan, “Yum,” Danny smiled, “lunch.”
“That’s two against one!” Michael yelled, “That’s not fair!”
“That’s where you’re wrong.” A voice intoned, and Bimon Suckley appeared along with Bikiniman. Fraizer seized this opportunity of distraction and yelled out: “James Whores, use your special technique! The mirror of your face!”
James took out a mirror and shoved it straight in Bimon’s face; Bimon screamed in horror and died. Bikiniman stood there and forgot what to do.
A blue light shot out of Danny’s hands and flew straight at Bikiniman! Bikiniman forgot to duck and died, ending his life in a blast. After that Danny started to touch his blobby muscles with glee. They’re huge!
General ran into the building and used his ultimate move – The Dimension Converter!
Everyone in the room got transferred into another dimension with their individual opponents. Let the battle commence!
Thomas Lei was an Italian gangster walking down the streets with his G friends. He was not gay, however the rest of his gang was.
“You know the election date was yesterday?” One of the gangsters asked Thomas.
“Érection day? Dude you’re gay!” Thomas said with disgust.
“What is wrong with election day? And Kevin Rudd got elected as our president!”
“Kevin Rudd got erected as our president?! You guys are either really gay or gayer than gay.” Thomas flinched at the thought.
The fighting combination was simple; it consists of three battles – Jack Fraizer VS Michael Phongsivorabouth; Danny Horseford VS Michelle Ball; General VS Manbearpig.
Fraizer stared at Michael Phongsivorabouth, and Michael Phongsivorabouth stared back, but this time with a perverted smile.
“Looks like this is the end, professor,” Michael mused, “After all the chapters we’ve been through…”
“The pleasure is all mine,” Fraizer retorted.
“Have you made your death wish? Because I’m sure as hell you’re gonna need it!” Michael did not wait for an answer; he lunged at Fraizer with gleeful eyes and a gay smile. The fight was indescribable, and the gayness was unimaginable. There were no words that could outline what happened; the fight was full of real life Yu-Gi-Oh card battles.
After five minutes of intense combat, it ended with a slick right jab from Fraizer right into Michael’s face!
“Holy shite! What did you do that for? You ruined my handsome features!” Michael sobbed.
Michael sank to his knees, and he dropped down to the ground. All his Yu-Gi-Oh card minions dissolved. His whole life flashed before him, and despair washed over him. The secret…
“I…I have something to tell you….” Michael stuttered.
“Yeah?” Fraizer laughed, “What is it? That you’re actually gayer than I thought?”
“No…” Michael found it difficult to breathe now, “I am… I am…your father.”
Michael died. Fraizer’s heart broke; he knew that he had just murdered his only parent. Although victory was upon him, he did not feel at all triumphant. He mourned.
Danny Horseford flicked Michelle Ball off. Danny felt powerful, because he was conscious that no mortal stood a chance against a blob. To be frank, he was quite right. Michelle Ball had no chance against this all mighty blob.
“You wanna start me? You moron?” Danny yelled. “Come and get some you black faced mortal!”
“You may think I have no chance against you,” Michelle chuckled gayly. “But I have the very weapon that will destroy you.”
“Oh yeah you blackie!” Danny roared. “Show me what you’ve got! You one balled human!”
Michelle slowly opened the suitcase he had been carrying, and then he retrieved a mini skirt out of it. Michelle slowly undressed himself, and he put on the skirt.
“Arrrrgh!” Danny was blinded for three seconds; he turned away, “that’s not fair! Oh my god what in the world of blobs is that!”
Michelle started dancing and singing and winking. The scene was so obscene that even a creature like Danny Horseford could not bear its gayness. Danny changed form into a rock and waited for this nightmare to end. Fortunately, it did. But then a black beam of light shot out and Jacob Smithens appeared.
“Hello doggy~” Jacob smile was so big that it covered his entire face.
It took four days for Danny to recover from the shock of seeing Jacob Smithens. Finally he changed form back to a blob, but he was less confident.
“What – What the hell?” Danny stuttered, “What are you doing here! I absorbed you!”
“I have been resurrected!”
Jacob Smithens advanced; Danny tried to move but was paralyzed with despair. Jacob’s perverted smile grew so wide that you could not see his eyes anymore. Danny trembled with fear; and just as all seemed to be lost, a lone figure jumped out of nowhere.
“I’ll save you!”
Chapter Fifteen –May your deaths be triumphant.
On the dark oak tree there sat a lonely figure.
On the lonely figure there sat a tiny bird.
On the tiny bird there sat a sad atom.
Covering all of this was David Ewww.
I will come after you next myself, thought Manbearpig.
The lone figure walked out from the darkness, and stunned the three characters into utter silence. The world seemed to have stopped at that point, even Jacob Smithens took a step backwards. The stranger looked hideous, it had two faces on one head, half of it a woman and half of it a man. Its body looked like it had been split in half, half of it was obese and half of it was incredibly skinny.
There’s something familiar with this creature… Danny thought after a brief examination at the monster. Michelle Ball and Jacob Smithens looked uncertainly at each other, unsure if this creature was ally or foe. Michelle slowly covered his black body by putting on a long black jacket, which didn’t make much of a difference since he was in fact black.
“What in the world of Back Jesus are you? Speak at once you devious looking subhuman!” Michelle roared with only a trace of anger. After all, this “thing” did interrupt his slaughter against Danny Horseford.
The creature turned to face Danny, managing a half twisted smile. “Hello Danny, don’t you remember me?”
“Why would I remember something like you…? You should look into a mirror sometime…” suddenly Danny stopped talking, he knew what and who this creature was!
“You…you are Peter Wang and Justin Yeo!” Danny exclaimed, “But…how? How did you revive? How did you…fuse together?”
“My dear dog, I am afraid there are no words in this gay world that are sufficient enough to describe what I have been through.”
“Woof, woof ! Fuck you!” Danny barked happily.
“I AM PETER YEO!” The creature bellowed, “May your deaths be triumphant!”
Peter Yeo ran towards Jacob, but then tripped over a tiny rock – sending itself flying across the dimension and rocketing up into the air! It fell down with a loud “thump!”
“What the fuck!” Peter Yeo yelled.
“It’s all your fault! Peter you fat slob!” Peter Yeo exclaimed.
“What?! Justin you can’t say that! We’re one; that means if it’s my fault then it’s your fault.” Peter Yeo sighed.
“But you’re fat!” Peter Yeo was close to tears. Indeed that fall took away the little dignity of what they have left.
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. If I’m fat then you’re fat, I am you!”
“You’re telling yourself to shut up too you imbecile!”
What the hell?! Danny’s mind screamed, it is talking to itself?!
Jacob took advantage of this momentary breakdown of Peter Yeo; he launched a powerful fist straight at its face! Peter Yeo simply laughed and did the hokey pokey.
“You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out…”
The hokey pokey did nothing to prevent the attack and Peter Yeo was thrown backwards and towards the horizon by the sheer force of the punch. Danny had a feeling that he will never see his masters again.
“I love you Darling Yeo!” Peter Yeo said to itself.
“Forever and ever babe!” Peter Yeo replied to itself.
Then they disappeared in the sky.
Just as Michelle and Jacob were enjoying the view, Danny quickly changed form into Manbearpig. He was overjoyed by his intelligence, how easy could it have been to just change form into Manbearpig and command his minions into committing suicide?
General lay soundlessly on the ground. Manbearpig laughed and danced with joy; his flabs constantly bubbling. Manbearpig took one last look at the lifeless corpse, and then kicked it aside.
“General…rest in peace. I will forever remember you.” Manbearpig chuckled gayly, he then strode out of the room – heading to the other battlefields. Just as he reached the exit, a hand grabbed Manbearpig’s right leg, pulling him back! Manbearpig turned and saw General lying face down on the ground, but struggling to stop him.
“Oi! You’re supposed to be dead!” Manbearpig frowned.
“I can’t…I can’t let you take over the world…”
Manbearpig’s laughter grew louder, however the sound he made was neither man nor bear, it sounded like an anguish cry from a pig. The sound was unbearable, trees and plants nearby all melted into ashes before the obscene sound.
“It is inevitable.” Manbearpig spoke darkly, “and to show you my delight of your survival…”
Manbearpig sucked in air. Unfortunately some little insects accidentally fell in his oversized mouth, choking Manbearpig to near death. “Shit! Shit!” Manbearpig cursed.
Danny Horseford and Fraizer stepped in the battlefield where Manbearpig and General were. They managed to slip in unnoticed with the aid of Manbearpig’s confusion; Fraizer and Danny surrounded Manbearpig.
“Finally! The battle has come to an end!” Fraizer shouted.
“Manbearpig, you can surrender with honour, or fight and perish with shame of your own failure!” Danny chipped in.
Manbearpig’s eyes narrowed at the sight of Fraizer and Danny.
“To this very chapter I have searched for you, hunted for you, and now you have come for your death! You stupid dog and foolish professor!”
“Woof, woof! Fuck you!” Danny barked.
“May your deaths be triumphant…” General prayed.
“What an excellent way to end the story!” Manbearpig was hysterical, “to think of all the gayness we’ve been through…I am indeed very sorry my fellow readers, but your heroes will most certainly perish in the next chapter!”
Chapter sixteen – Manbearpig’s wife
-It has a wife?!-
Story of my life…Manbearpig thought, as he lay helplessly on the ground. After the battle, Manbearpig got owned by his powerful opponents, his flabs were too wasted to rumble and absorb anymore.
I need to call in reinforcements…
“You’re such a pig, which stands for protrude idiot geek!” Fraizer snorted as he stared at Manbearpig.
“No, it stands for pretty intelligent genius.” Manbearpg huffed.
“Manbearpig! You’re powerless! The story can finally end!” Danny Horseford was practically jumping with joy.
Manbearpig touched his flabs.
“David, Ewww….Don‘t touch yourself!”
“Oh my god! Manbearpig, that’s not fair! I’d rather my mum dance naked then watching you feeling yourself!”
“Stop it! Touching yourself won’t earn any sympathy from us!”
Manbearpig merely chuckled. A red beam of light shot out of his flabs and straight up into the sky! Clouds gathered around, darkening the world as it passed by. The earth shook; lightening struck innocent animals to death. The force of this power was never witnessed before by naked eye, and people around the world screamed in horror and ran for their lives.
Inexplicably, a person emerged out of all the confusion and destruction, she landed beside Manbearpig.
“Allow me to introduce you people to my wife…Sherry Bin!” Manbearpig smiled pervertly and looked lovingly at his wife.
:What the…?! She’s a bin?” Fraizer was lost for words. Manbearpig has a wife?! That’s impossible! He was supposed to be gay!
Danny was dumbfounded, he simply stared at nothing. Manbearpig…Danny shuddered.
General thought he was hallucinating, but still he was so shocked that he fainted. Nightmares plagued him in his sleep.
“You’re a funny creature Manbearpig...She can’t be…” Danny Horseford laughed.
“Yes she is.” Manbearpig winked at his wife, and then continued, “We met last year in ALA – short for America’s Love Academy. We were married last month.” Manbearpig chuckled dreamily.
“Oh darling bearpig,” Sherry let out an evil laugh, and then said, “Hello fellow peasants! Allow me to show you a good minion of mine…Man-Basher!”
Man-Basher appeared out of nowhere and stood beside Sherry. Man-Basher looked angry. She let out a howl and flew straight at Fraizer!
“Holy shit! I choose you, James Whores!” Fraizer took out a Yu-Gi-Oh card and summoned James Whores onto the battle field.
“Wait a minute!” General stood up and motioned Man-Basher to stop, “Manbearpig! Aren’t you gay? You can’t have a wife if you’re gay.”
“True.” Manbearpig thought for a moment, “but to be frank, technically I’m neither man nor woman. I am an it. I can reshape my flabs to whatever shape I wish, so sucked in!” Manbearpig laughed.
Man-Basher launched a straight jab right at James Whores face! James tried to dodge the attack, but Man-Basher was too quick, she demolished James Whores.
“Soon.” Manbearpig chuckled, “Soon the Republic of Gays/hippies/Mongolians will claim the world!”
“You mean KANGP?”
Man-Basher lunged at Fraizer again, this time more viciously than the last. Fraizer had no other option but to summon another Yu-Gi-Oh creature, since he had no other way of beating her.
“I choose you, Rominic Mongo!”
Rominic emerged out of a white light and became a human shield for Fraizer.
“What the?! Fuck you Fraizer!” – Those were the last words of Rominic as he too got demolished by Man-Basher.
“Nice job, Man-Basher.” Sherry applauded, “I will make you General if we win this battle.”
“I’m the General!” General said indignantly.
“Ah but she will replace you! My Sherry, the victory is all yours.” Manbearpig chuckled again; he seems to chuckle a lot these days.
Fraizer’s mind was racing, he had no other Yu-Gi-Oh cards left and he knew that he will get pounded if he actually takes a one on one combat with Man-Basher. This doesn’t look good… Fraizer thought, although we both have the same amount of comrades, Man-Basher alone is too much to take. But I can’t quit! I can’t fail the world and let Manbearpig loose!
Suddenly General had an idea; he whispered the plan to Danny Horseford. Danny Horseford nodded in agreement. Suddenly Man-Basher launched herself at Fraizer again, giving them no time to rest. Just as Fraizer was about to accept his pathetic fate, Danny Horseford transformed himself into Britney Spears.
“Where’s my beautiful hair?” Danny cursed, and then he ran swiftly between Fraizer and Man-Basher, taking the full force of her attack! There was a loud explosion as Fraizer braced himself, after a few seconds he looked up to see Danny Horseford standing with a gleeful smile. Man-Basher’s attack didn’t affect Danny!
“Hah! I bet you’re wondering why I’m not lying dead on the ground right?” Danny sniggered, “I’ll be nice and tell you the trick for just this once. After my wonderful, amazing, incredible unbelievable, sharp, professional and terrific observation and examination and analysis – ”
“Shut up and get to the point!” Sherry cut him off half way.
“Okay okay fine. I’ve found out that Man-Basher’s attack only affects men. Therefore if I transform myself into Britney Spears then her assaults would be futile.” Danny was proud of his intelligence and then he absorbed Man-Basher.
“And then there were two…” Danny laughed.
The battle raged on for days, neither one could get the upper hand of each other. It was one of the most heroic and legendary battles ever to exist, never was so much destruction ever done by one battle. Manbearpig simply wouldn’t die; he absorbs the force of every punch given and recharges himself continuously by an unknown way. He was, in fact, invincible. His wife Sherry kept summoning members of the KANGP to provide help which thwarted Fraizer, Danny and General regularly.
“Ha!” Manbearpig chuckled, “You will never destroy me! I am invincible! And gayness shall prevail forever and ever!”
“Yes my love.” Sherry chipped in.
“What do we do? We can’t kill Manbearpig, and if we don’t think of something fast then we will too be devoured by Manbearpig.” Fraizer croaked.
“This seems endless…” Danny was too tired to continue, he was willing to accept failure and Armageddon.
“Wait a minute…” General panted as he fended off a Mongolian with his right hand, “If we can’t kill him, then we can find a way to imprison him!”
General thought of an idea.
Chapter seventeen – Manbearpig falls
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Taking everyone with him, including you.
“We could push Manbearpig off a cliff!” General exclaimed, punching a Mongolian in the face as he spoke.
“Do you mind if I point out the obvious gaping fatal flaw in your plan?” Danny remarked as he absorbs a hippy. “How exactly do we lure Manbearpig into that kind of stupid trap?”
‘Easy.” General hurls two Cambodians into the air, “We use his wife as bait.”
“And how do we capture his wife?” Fraizer panted while dodging Manbearpig’s assaults with great difficulty.
“Using Danny.” General said simply, and then he transmitted a mental image into Fraizer and Danny’s minds. After a while they nodded.
Fraizer punched Manbearpig in the groin and launched a hard blow right in his face, but Manbearpig did not even flinch as he absorbed the force along with Fraizer’s fist. Using this distraction Danny quickly transformed himself into a giant hand about ten meters long and five meters wide, then grabbed Sherry by surprise!
Danny quickly ran off towards the nearest cliff – which was about five kilometres from their standing point. General took on all the minions at once, trying to stop them from chasing after Danny. Manbearpig howled in fury and let go of Fraizer instantly and followed Danny – picking up great speed as he went. Amazing what love can do to a creature.
Within seconds General was overrun by the numerous minions, but nevertheless he did not panic, he knew that all was according to plan. His job here was done. It’s all up to you now…Fraizer. “Oh yeah I have to make one thing clear. I’m not Muslim even if I do this,” General sighed.
“Careful with that thing General,” Fraizer warned, but he was too far away.
Just as General was about to be ripped open by his enemies, he pressed a button on his belt, “Boom!” and exploded! Taking every minion with him! The force wiped out the entire troop of minions within ten steps and destroyed them thoroughly, not one corpse was seen to be lying around in the battlefield. This was a daunting experience for Fraizer while he watched his companion’s horrific fate.
“So long,” Fraizer looked at nothing and saluted in silence and lunged after Manbearpig, leaving the battlefield in an eerie silence.
Danny reached the cliff in no time, and was waiting for Manbearpig to catch up. He let go of Sherry, he did not think she posed much of a threat. Unfortunately he did not anticipate Sherry’s next move, she suddenly took a few steps backwards and blurted out: “The Bin family!”
“What the –” Danny was taken by surprise
The Bin family appeared in front of Sherry, protecting her and also ready for battle. Danny laughed soon after he realised the Bin family only contains two people. What a hobo…is that all her family?
“Let’s play a game,” The first Bin member stepped forward conspiratorially.
“I have no time for games.” Danny snorted.
“You have no choice.” The Bin member waived a hand at the sky ominously and suddenly a black hole emerged, sucking everyone in!
It took Danny a few seconds to adjust to the darkness, he was not dead. In fact, the place looked more like a different dimension with no boundaries.
The Bin spoke with a broad smile: “I will give you a question, if you answer it correctly, you can get out of this dimension and we will surrender. But if you get it incorrect, you will be forever imprisoned in this dimension!”
Danny gulped; he did not want to stay in this gay place forever. I have no choice either way…and who knows? I might get lucky…
“What is the question?”
“Here it goes. I know that you know that what I know is different from what you know, and you have to know the fact that I don’t know if you know what I am saying because I don’t know. Even if I don’t know I am still continuing because I don’t know means nothing to me, if you don’t know that I don’t know then too bad, you don’t know and you’re never going to know.”
“…………………………….” Danny did not understand a word of it.
“Wrong answer,” deadpans the Bin member.
“I haven’t even said anything!” Danny yelled in surprise.
With two seconds Sherry and her family vanished, leaving Danny imprisoned inside the dimension for eternity! Danny could literary feel his heart break, he was finished! And in such a retarded way!
Manbearpig greeted Sherry and the Bin family outside the different dimension as they stood on the cliff, bringing with him an irrepressible spirit. Hugs and kisses were exchanged between them, and they all chuckled pervertly. Fraizer – camouflaging behind a flower – saw all of this, he realised he was the only un-gay person left in this place; and if he doesn’t act fast, he might even be the last un-gay person left on the planet! Manbearpig will brainwash everyone, and turn all living creatures gay!
Fraizer assessed the deteriorating situation, what were his chances against Manbearpig and its family? It didn’t even seem close to one percent, which in this case Fraizer thought he might as well give up and let the world burn in gayness. But then again, Fraizer thought of his lost compatriots, Justin Yeo, Peter Wang, James Whores, Rominic Mongo, Danny Horseford, General Charlie…I can’t let them all die in vain!
David Ewww suddenly felt awkwardness in the background around him; he turned and saw a weird flower. If it wasn’t for that David was overwhelmed with love, he would’ve noticed Fraizer behind it. David shrugged and resumed his kisses and hugs with his family.
In this split second, Fraizer saw his one percent chance! He rushed out behind the flower and tackled all of them off the cliff while the Bin family was locked in Manbearpig’s dead embrace!
The Bin members were so astonished that they had a heart attack all together and passed away. While David was falling, he immediately shot out two strings of flabs, one grabbing his wife and the other hanging on to the cliff! Manbearpig hung in the air and sweated heavily, it looked like a small tsunami coming out of him.
“Hang on my love!” Manbearpig looked deeply into Sherry’s eyes, in there he found trust and love.
“I will darling bearpig!” Sherry replied lovingly, there was an unbreakable bond between them.
Fraizer stared in awe; he couldn’t believe a creature like Manbearpig would care about others. It almost seems…wrong to kill them. Manbearpig looked up at Fraizer and there was hope in his eyes, this was the first time Fraizer had ever seen Manbearpig in such a state. In the past no matter how gay the condition was, Manbearpig never backed off or begged for mercy, he didn’t care about anything. But this time with his wife…it was different.
“Please help us…or at least help my wife.” Manbearpig begged.
“Please! I promise I won’t take over the world!”
Manbearpig’s flabs were barely hanging on, and it was slipping away from the cliff due to the small tsunami Manbearpig produced. This is wrong! I can’t kill such a creature! He is more than Manbearpig, he is a real human! There’s more to him than meets the eye…
Fraizer’s eyes softened and grabbed Manbearpig’s flabs; he couldn’t bring himself to kill a creature with feelings yet so strong. As Fraizer was trying to pull Manbearpig and his wife up, Manbearpig’s expression turned incongruously into a gay one.
“Foolish naïve professor, I’m going to take you down with me!”
The flab grabbed Fraizer’s hand and pulled him down!
Final Chapter – The same old story
Every story has an end.
It is an end that is filled with glory…and gayness?!
“Why…?” Frazier wanted to know one last thing before he tumbled to his doom, “why?”
Manbearpig chuckled in unbelievable gayness, and then spoke gravely while he chuckled, “because I’m going to die anyway. I have cancer. So I might as well take everyone down with me.”
“What…” Fraizer didn’t think that a puddle of flabs would be able to develop cancer, “what type of cancer?”
“Breast cancer,” Manbearpig intoned hoarsely.
Manbearpig looked down lovingly at his falling wife, “goodbye my true love. See you next week.”
Sherry was too busy screaming to give a response. It was indeed quite a daunting experience for her, it was even worse when Manbearpig was falling with you and chuckling in your ear.
Is there a way for me not dying? Fraizer thought about this for a moment then scoffed at the idea. There was no way he could get out of this. His nemesis – Manbearpig – would certainly prevent him from doing anything. Fraizer closed his eyes and prepared to die. Wait a minute…?!
“Manbearpig! What do you mean when you said ‘see you next week’ to your wife?”
Manbearpig chuckled again, “Ah professor, you really think I would commit suicide? You really think I don’t have an alternate plan?”
Manbearpig stopped speaking and Fraizer saw gayness flit across the Man/Bear/Pig-like face, though it was instantly dispelled. David raised one flabby bear-like hand and hummed a spell, he exploded instantly!
“Shit! Yuck! David! Ewwww!” Fraizer spat out salty flabs and cursed.
Nothing happened for two hours and Fraizer was still falling with Sherry shrieking beside him. It was a groundbreaking experience for Fraizer; two hours of falling down seemed almost funny. But then it hit him. A large chunk of space around him distorted and then everything went white.
Fraizer woke up with immense back pain. He couldn’t really remember what happened or why was he there. The only thing he knew was that he was called Fraizer and was defiantly straight. Fraizer looked around for any possible compatriots, but all he could see was a room filled with naked ponies. It seemed quite gay.
Fraizer wanted to think of something but couldn’t, he was unable to crank out any ideas of anything, and he couldn’t believe it. He was a sofa.
Fraizer the sofa tried to move, but his back pained him even more. It was out of the blue and Fraizer was simply stunned. The sofa mishap left him in total confusion yet he was finally beginning to understand what it felt like to be Ban Tran, the Ant aka Bikiniman.
Fraizer sighed metaphorically.
I concede defeat.
Again, as all seemed to be lost, Manbearpig dropped in the room drastically. He was a lamp. A very fat one.
The lamp and sofa looked at each other metaphorically. Their metaphorical eyes met and flared with hatred. Then the whole dimension changed and Fraizer blacked out metaphorically, again.
Fraizer woke up again, he was rather anxious to find out what he was this time.
Hmmm…it’ll be cool if I turned into a laser chicken, but as the old saying states: “hope is the first step down the road of disappointment.” I’d rather not hope.
He was quite glad after a while of self examination, he was human again, better yet, a straight one. Unfortunately, he was unable to remember anything from the past. Although he did recall some small facts, such as that he was a language professor and was extremely handsome.
Michael Phongsivorabouth woke up shrouded in an awful stench, and felt gayness wash over him like the mourning breeze. He only just remembered that he was a homosexual Mansfield student, and was also a royal minion of David Ewww. Mansfield was actually a school which contained gay people, since it was in fact a field full of men.
“Holy Chicken! I’m about to be late for school!”
Michael was happy. In an exceptionally gay way.
David Ewww stirred and woke up, he was lying face down on the school grounds in Mansfield. He then heard the bell ring and noticed that he’d better get ready for his yoga lesson. He started to run.
“Crap!” Sherry yelped as David ran over her. He took one glance at the fallen girl and felt a sudden sense of familiar and passion; nevertheless David was reluctant to stop for such a small matter, so he kept going.
David Ewww crashed into his Yoga class panting and wobbling with sweat. His disrupted classmates frowned.
“Holy Allah!” Within a second every students and teachers were gone. David Ewww stared at his flailing flabs with horror. “Flab spasm?!”
David started to chuckle manically, his facial figures distorted until his eyes were no longer visible. David seemed insane and screamed out the following words:
“I’m back! Just you wait, dear professor…”
Fraizer arrived to Stanford University and disembarked from his car. He slowly trudged into the building. All was well. At least all seemed well. Fraizer scanned the classrooms and spotted one of his hateful American colleagues staring at him.
“You feeling lucky? Punk?” Fraizer snarled.
The American’s eyebrows raised and revealed a cunning smile that implied gayness. He retrieved a whistle from his pants and blew in it hard, as if it was…well, nothing sick. It was a summoning signal, and instantaneously four other Americans leaped out from behind the piles of boxes scattered around the floor.
“Today’s my lucky day,” the American whistled.
Fraizer smirked at these arrogant words; he knew that his only chance of winning was to strike first. He launched a powerful right kick straight at one of the white guys!
“Yi-Haaah! Befall, the Asian tornado!”
Fraizer missed the white guy’s face by a meter and crashed into the window, shattering the glass and rocketing right through!
Fraizer soured through the air like Jackie Chan with wings. Then gravity mercilessly pulled him down hard.
That’s not fair…I’ve fell down way too many times in this gay story!
Fraizer lifted himself up and found himself staring straight into one of the American’s eyes! He had no time to waste, so he decked the white guy with max power. A naked tree flashed before the American’s mind, and then he fell down unconsciously to the hard concrete.
However, Fraizer was still aware of the other four white people closing in. Fraizer had no choice but to try and distract them.
“Hey, is that a bird up there?” Fraizer tried his best to maintain a serious face.
“What? A birth?”
“Can’t see no damn bird!”
“Where’s the little birdie?
Fraizer seized this moment and dashed right between two Americans; decking them both on the way as he hurried for his escape! The chase was on.
Fraizer had no idea how there stood a perfectly polished “Penal Sazuki 69” – a small fighting jet that could withstand even nuclear forces. Fraizer punched himself to ensure this wasn’t a dream. It hurt. Fraizer opened the door leading to the cockpit and found a teenager with no gender features visible to the naked eye. Fraizer thought for a second and then shouted in surprise:
“Hey…aren’t you the genderless teenager that came out in the very first chapter?!”
Fraizer waited for the teenager to shed some light in the matter, but all he got was a haunted look from the genderless person. Fraizer could hear footsteps growing louder by the second, he had no choice but to grab the person’s collar and throw him away. The genderless teenager was hurled right on top of the two Americans!
“What in Moses’ name is…”
“Genderless creature! Reveal yourself!”
Fraizer quickly closed the door and fired up the engine, he flipped the two white guys off as the jet took off. Fraizer was still laughing inside the jet, he could not believe how easy it was to make a run, yet after all this is only just a story.
Fraizer glanced back just out of curiosity, but soon realized the two white guys were flying and still after him!
“What the Beep!” Fraizer took a closer look, and found out that it was actually two flabbers chasing him! Suddenly everything came back to him, including his adventures and Manbearpig’s voyage. But what is Manbearpig doing out here? And how does he freaking fly!
Fraizer panicked and immediately slammed down the button that had a label which read – missile. He grimaced as the missile was airborne, but he soon discovered that he didn’t punch down the coordinates for the missile, therefore the missile targeted the nearest object, the entire plane!
“Drat you stupid Japanese plane!”
Fraizer had no options available. He steadied himself and opened the cockpit door, then jumped out of the plane! He fell down just a second before the missile rammed into the plane, vaporizing everything!
Manbearpig was amused by this, he chuckled. Fraizer only just remembered that he forgot to take his parachute with him! Am I really as stupid as I look?
He needed a plan, so he pulled down his pants and held it high above his head, hoping it would work as a parachute. It didn’t. Fraizer waited for death to consume him. That didn’t happen either, because Danny Horseford grabbed him in midair and slowed him down!
Danny responded with a watery smile, and then he disappeared. It was all so sudden, all so random, and all so…gay. Fraizer fell into the sea.
“Just another boring day in life…”
One day you wake up, and you think you are special.
You think there is going to be numerous adventures lying ahead, just waiting quietly for your arrival.
However, deep down inside, you know that you are just an ordinary person.
Not everyone is like Fraizer, but if you believe in yourself, there is bound to be something special that would happen to you.
You can never tell what the future might bring.
“Imagination is the beginning of everything.” (Albert Einstein)