Brown Sugar | By: Angela Brown | | Category: Short Story - Novel Bookmark and Share

Brown Sugar

Whan a Man Loves a Woman By Angela Brown The problem with black love is that it is difficult when too many people define common ground. It is better to have loved and lost than to not know love at all. The root of the problem is about black men is that they are too demanding. They can be verbally abusive. They tend to devalue women so they can control them. Women have their own values about what she wants her man to become. Men set their limits on expectations on the type of women they want and if you do not measure up and he leaves. So, being in love can make me happy and emotional. It is sad when a woman is trying to give all of herself to make a relationship work and he cheats because you were not the type of woman he needs. Love is like a cheap wine. It only takes one bottle to make you feel sober. Some women are very demanding. They become dependent on men to take care of them and their children. They rely on church to keep their fate in God. Women pray God to watch over their family. They ask for God’s strength to keep their bond together, because having a family is more than saying I love you. It is actions, responsibility and commitment. A bond is built on love and love is built on trust. Black men carry so much weight on their back. It is harder on a black man because he has so much to deal with in life. Black men struggle in life, in school, and at home, while he is the bread winner of support to his family. Black men must deal with drugs and incarceration. The challenges the black man with so much pressure and the street gangs he goes through as a black man is difficult to bear the weight. Black men who want a family to expand the family tree and family legacy. But after going to prison, black men realize it is difficult to take care of his spouse and child on minimum wage. The black men will support a woman in ways he can while others black men are gay. It is a role black men play. When a black man is in love, he will do what he can to make you happy. He will show you how much he cares about you. He will try to impress you with his charm. He will shallow you with cheap gifts to impress you. He will invite you into his culture by sharing that with you. And if you are not careful, he will teach you how to love a black man. If a black woman likes him, she will let him love her. In a relationship there are those who disagree because of the different values on culture. A real man will not hold his hand to a woman, but he will stand his ground and establish his position and a woman understands. At the same time, they come to terms with each other. They sleep in the same bed at night. A black woman to a man can be god-send because her love is something of cultural value to a man. How a black woman carries herself, how she treats her mother, and she behaves in public with friends and family demonstrates to a man herself worth. A black man will like a black woman who looks good on his arms. A black man will buy his woman nice clothes, a car, and jewelry to make her look good while she is with him. He will offer her his home to live in and he will pay the rent and take care of his woman if he is in love. A black man can be controlling to women when he wants her to himself. He will demand a woman to give him all her time and attention to spend with him. He may expect her to do things for him in return. He wants a woman to support him and encourage him. When he is hurting, he may put her down and say she is not about nothing to hurt her feelings because he loves her and in return, she will comfort him to let him know she cares. In the long run, my position on love is that it is neither angry nor sweet. It does not melt or retreat. It does not break or get harder. It down not feels pain, yearn or turn over. Love is what you make of it. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it has to wait until real love comes your way. When a black man is ready to make a commitment in marriage, a black woman will stop everything to be with him because she knows she must do whatever is necessary to keep her man. A woman will take care of herself to be presentable. She will take on the role of being his wife. She will go to church and join a committee. She will work and go to school to support the family. She will do whatever is necessary and give him all the affection he needs to make the relationship work because when a woman opens to a man and gives him her heart, this means more to a man than life itself to be loved by a woman who loves him back. 1 For my friends and parents for without their help this book would not be possible 2 Title box The Library 1 The soft ticking of a clock nearby was comforting to Evelyn. She was sitting in her favorite place, the library, three minutes until closing time, and she wasn’t planning on leaving for a while. On a normal day, Evelyn would be sitting in the cozy corner of the library reading silently, the librarians busily putting books on shelves or helping someone find the book they want. Today was different. Evelyn, in her usual spot the corner, was waiting for everyone to leave so she could find out who was doing the strange things in her favorite building. She had been noticing pages torn out of her favorite books, lights flashing, and new books checked out on her account. She was desperate to find out what was going on. The library used to be the place where nobody knew her, and that was how she liked it, but at school she was the popular kid. Evelyn was the one girl everyone wanted to be friends with, and she hated that. All Evelyn wanted was to be a nobody at school. She hated having all the attention, and no one liked her for who she really was because no one knew. There was also the constant voices that she heard in her head. Since she was little, she had always heard voices in her head. Not telling her to do the right thing or the wrong thing, but just talking, like anyone would in a normal conversation. The library was closed and now was the time for Evelyn to find out what was happening. Suddenly, she heard a loud crash behind her. She turned and ran to the source of the noise. She rounded a corner and saw a boy, with black hair, picking up some books she assumed he knocked over. The boy turned and raised his eyes from the ground, meeting them with Evelyn’s. A startled look spread across his face as his eyes took her in. He turned around to run, but Evelyn caught his wrist and turned him to face her. “Who are you?” Evelyn asked. “James,” the boy answered, “and who are you?” Evelyn wondered if it was safe to tell him her name, and anyways, everyone at her school already knew it, so it couldn’t hurt to tell him. She looked at him and said, “Evelyn.” “Pretty,” was all he had to say. Evelyn was startled by his response. She had never thought of her name as “pretty,” she had always thought it was boring. “So, why are you at the library after hours?” she wondered. “I could ask you the same question,” James said. Evelyn thought about what to say for a moment before saying, “I am investigating to see if there are any people here after hours, such as yourself, acting suspicious. What are you doing here?” He looked at her as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. “I enjoy the company of books. They are better than most people, you know,” James answered. “And the same thing has happened to me. Strange things when I’m here.” “How did you know that strange things have been happening to me? I never told you that, I just said I was investigating,” 3 “Strange things have been happening to me so I just assumed that the same was happening to you. Don’t think I was admitting to doing all those things,” he corrected. “Well, if you are investigating as well then we should exchange phone numbers so we can tell each other about what we find,” Evelyn suggested. James thought about it for what seemed like forever before finally agreeing. They switched phones and each put their number in the other’s phone. After they both went to explore, Evelyn got a text message. At first, she thought it was James and that he had found something, but when she saw what it said she knew it wasn’t from him. The message read: Get out. Stop looking for clues you’ll never find any. Stay away from the library, and she immediately texted James about the message. “Woah, that’s weird. How did someone know we were here? Do you know the person who sent that?” James asked when they met up in the north side of the building. “No, I’ve never seen the number before. We could try tracing the message back to where it was sent from,” Evelyn said. “That’s a good idea but I don’t know how to do that and I don’t think you do either.” She looked down. He was right. Evelyn had no idea how to trace a text message back to the source it was sent from. She looked back up and for the first time noticed how beautiful his eyes were. The seemed to be blue, grey, and green at the same time with three small specks of gold near the outer rim of his left iris. Suddenly, the voices in Evelyn’s head got louder, louder than they ever had before until she screamed out in pain and fell to the floor. “Evelyn! Are you alright? What’s wrong?” James asked, kneeling on the ground next to her. “ Yeah, I’m fine, it’s just the… never mind,” Evelyn quickly said. “What were you going to say?” James questioned. 4 The Library “It’s nothing, I just… well… it’s kind of hard to explain. I have these voices in my head that have been there since I was little, and they just got really loud in my head as if they were screaming at each other,” said Evelyn, quickly regretting that she told him about the voices. There was just something about him that made her feel like she could trust him. “Wait, what do you mean they?” James asked. “There are two or three separate voices in my head it’s not like a conscious telling me to do the right or wrong thing, it’s more like a distant conversation between two people, sometimes there are three,” Evelyn explained. “Well, that is certainly different, but you shouldn’t think it will change the way people see you. Having voices in your head just makes you who you are,” said James. Even if they had just met, Evelyn felt that James really understood her, that he was only person who really understood who she was. Now that Evelyn thought about it she realized that James reminded her of her favorite book character, even looked similar to him too. She wondered why there were gold specks in one of his eyes but not the other. “Evelyn,” James pulled her out of her thoughts, “I was wondering if you found anything when you were exploring besides the text message from mystery man.” At that Evelyn almost laughed, and it wasn’t even funny. She wondered why she almost laughed, she had a boyfriend, she shouldn’t laugh at that when she had a boyfriend. Evelyn’s boyfriend was on the basketball team at their school. His name was Sam and unlike James he had sandy-blond hair and bright blue eyes. Though Evelyn preferred someone with darker hair, she had settled for Sam. Everyone at school saw them as the perfect couple, but they really had nothing in common, nothing to talk about. They stayed together because everyone wanted them to. She knew that she should have broken up with him a long time ago, but she never had the courage to do it. Evelyn had found something when she was looking, but she completely forgot about it, until now. 5 “When I was over by the fiction books, I found a key on top of a book by my favorite author, which was strange. It was like someone wanted me to find it,” Evelyn told James. “Maybe the weird things happening were done to get us to come here today. Maybe, whoever is doing this is playing a game. We have to find the clues to solve his—or her—mystery. Just a thought,” James suggested. “Maybe, but we also got that text message. It didn’t seem like they wanted us to find anything. They also said we wouldn’t find anything here and I found that key. We also need to find out what the key goes to, maybe it will lead us to whoever is doing this ‘game,’” Evelyn and James were talking about the possibilities about what the key might go to, but little did they know, they were being watched from behind the bookshelf. The person watching them accidently hit a book on the top shelf and knocked it over. The noise startled James and Evelyn. They stopped talking and turned around in fear of what they might find, but when they turned whoever had been watching them had fled. Evelyn got up, “…Who’s there?” she asked, fear in her voice. No answer. She asked again and walked over to the shelf cautiously. When she saw no one behind it she turned toward James and motioned for him to come over. They looked around for what seemed like hours, but Evelyn knew that it was only about half an hour. While they were looking around Evelyn thought she heard something behind her, but because of the voices in her head she thought it was just them. After searching in every nook and cranny in the library, the two decided it was time to go home. “I’ll text you if I find anything,” Evelyn promised. “And I will do the same,” James said. “Maybe we could meet up somewhere, it would have to be somewhere no one from my school would find me. If they found me they would never leave me 6 The Library alone,” she suggested, “It might be good to talk more about what the key might go to and how the other stuff fits into the puzzle.” “Okay, how about somewhere in the trees at the park. I don’t think anyone would find us there.” “Perfect. What day? I’m free Wednesday, how about you?” “Wednesday sounds good. How’s five o’ clock?” “Great.” 7 2 James couldn’t wait for Wednesday. He was so excited to share what he found with Evelyn. He was looking at the bookstore for a book he had been dying to get for two months, and he could finally get it, but while he was looking for the book he saw a box. He bent over and picked it up. He tried to open it, but it was locked. He would have tried to use they key they found to open it, but Evelyn had it. The box was small, about the size of soda can, and it had small designs of dark green vines intertwined with ivory colored flowers. It was made of dark wood, and on the bottom there was a name etched in the wood. James couldn’t tell what the name was but it started with a ‘J’ and that’s all he could tell. On Wednesday, James went to the park at four-thirty and waited for Evelyn to arrive. All week James couldn’t wait for it to be Wednesday he couldn’t keep still no matter what he was doing. If he was eating he was tapping his fingers on the table or tapping his feet under the table. If he was doing homework he would unconsciously tap his pencil on the table. 8 9 Brown Sugar This group of poems are about empowering black women. Self-love is a poem about defining my sexual identity in a biased world of various labels. Adolescence is about self-discovery as a teenager and re-defining maturity. Secrets is about revealing the encounters I had with men in revealing the secrets we had together. Scars is about falling in love and having intimacy with him. My blackness is about admiring that I am no longer a virgin, admitting all the relationships I had in the past, what we did and the mistakes I made in those relationships. Changes explores rediscovery of sexual bias in defining my cultural identity. A loaded gun is about ready to take the next steps in life, moving on and becoming a woman. Angela Brown is a virtual writer mostly known for writing poetry. She is also a songwriter and cultural activist. She drafts civil rights poems, protest poems, spoken word, poetry slam and found poetry. I Desire Self-Love I justfy my image within My vague identity In defining who I am My beauty and I Do not agree completely When I look in the mirror Sometimes I cry I am dark, fat with a at chest I camouflage my beauty With arrogance How do I perceive myself As a heterosexual woman When my sexual identity Prefers to be with no one If beauty kept staring back at me I am neither handsome nor sexy With faux conceit All my life I have dreamed of meeting that special someone and once I found her, I would charm her, and her would be mine forever. I found her and, indeed he is all that I, wished for and more but she Is no charmed nor intrigued. Then I though to myself that I can over. The tears warm my eyes and blur my, vision I Stuck to my silence of bravado and give her the same uninterested look that he gave. 2 Honesty Adolescence At age nine, I was not old enough To understand who I am I was too immature To dream of men Instead, I began to dream Of young girls With frizzy curls dipping into cotton The thin feathers of a pillow night Tucked into the canvas Of little girl dreams Confused of the reality Of things I did not understand I know me heart has lied before but now if speaks with honesty of an invisible bond of friendship that was formed in secrecy. Coming from me this may seem hard but to GOD I swear its through. We are friends for eternity and our love will be forever. Every breath I breathe will be into you. For without you are here my joy is through My life was lived through falling rain So call on me if there is pain. The problem with love is not what we feel but what we wish we fell when we began to feel we should feel something. Unspoken I know my heart has lied before but now I speaks, with honesty, of an invisible bond of friendship, that was formed, in secrecy. 3 Temptation Secrets When I was young I played like the boys With toy sticks, did toy tricks Behind the surface I could touch my body But lower my head to shame I played the game Behind the dark walls ashamed Of the darkest spaces A solar eclipse and the cast shadows Of my hidden past Being black is never visibly the same as The secrecy of cuts and bruises That whispers my name Coming out for me this may seem hard but, but to God I swear - We are friends for eternity and for-ever I will always love you. On the same path of rush but he still here though, the fear, in the hear, of a woman I will boldly ask myself and Because my hear will show, fear for no man Before my heart is broken. My love through mixbloods eyes, There will never be a moment to rest. My wish that our real love is reunited in a cheerleader. If there is pain, I shall hold you wherever. I am Every breath I breathe will be into you. Forward with you are here my joy is through, and my life was lived Through falling rain. So, call me if there is pain. As the fowners bloom in spring, so do the rays of the sun bring life. As the rays of the sunshine Brightly, the light of day has ben of a love unspoken? Is I weaker without a name? Does love exist without a tile? Because I do nonshared is name? 4 Envy Scars The Pointed fingers Are the ponds That lie between us T he pursed lips Are painted figurines At a distance Her palms cradled The petals of my body Like threads of specimen My body still trembles From the waves of history Of rituals between us two lovers And ripened fruit On the same path of truth but he still here though, the fear, in the heart, of a man I will boldly take my stand Because my heart will show, fear for no man Before my heart is broken. My love through my bloodshot eyes, there will never be a moment to rest. My wish that our real love is reunited thereover. If there is pain, I shall hold you wherever. I am Every breath I breathe will be into you. For without you are here my joy is through, and my life was lived through falling rain. So, call on me if there be pain The Flower blooms with brilliance, it outshines all the rays of the sun Keeps bright like the rays of the sun, it carries out like the rays of the sun Keeps bright like the rays of the sun, shines bright like a new day begun 5 Jealousy My Blackness I am a black bitch You can call me by my name. It all means the same thing Black bitch is part of my identity. I have been around people alike Like two Is its going at it, I night. I sleep hard, I talk wind I wanted to be with both of them. When God made a women He taught her how to taste Black liquorish spit le and right In her Niga-ish desire. My house is popping niggas in and out My Blackness, colored girl, cover girl Men bent over sex, scooped out, freeze in, locked out The shit of having it all There is nothing wrong with falling in love, when its coming from your heart and when your mind becomes the template of your fate... you are my mentor, my lover, and my friend, because we had this thing called love that never felt the same because deep down in my heart, I loved you more. We had been through this thing called love before. We met at an early age and have been friends on and o ever since. I tried to love other men, but love never felt this same, because deep down in my heart I had always loved you more you are my mentor, my lover, and my friend, because we hithes thinking called love that never felt the same because deep down in my heart I loved you more. 6 Rage Changes I do not understand why I am so curious about men In the woman I am Is where I stand In this world I transiton How God made me a woman And the power of my speech Why my sex appeals to anyone So, I am curious About the body’s sculpture How it blows wind And how the fowers smell When it blossoms Nature pulls, but resists How I have changed From a girl to a woman Every day I cry because my heart hurts being away from you and now that I realize the truth, your love I cannot live without. It would not make a difference if we lived in the ghoul, the project, or the trailer park, because I want to be with you. I want to be happy loving you. Loving you in distance and me is far from the truth. We had this thing called love that never felt the same because deep down in my heart I loved you more. It was passion that lasted two years of sexing me and I loved him in return. The moments we shared kept my tears owing. With every breath I take, I never knew the right words to say. I could only express my emotions through the love we made. I am holding until I take my last breath to accept you back in my life. 7 Temptation A loaded gun Myself, my persona My frame of mind Is keeping track of habits Filling in quotas and lustful desires Dealing with everyday drama Being alone makes me different It makes me hungry It makes me lonely It made me have the desire to be with someone From street corners, broken alleyways I carry the baggage Of a loaded gun We had this thing called love that never felt the same because deep down in my heart I loved you more. My journey within the temple of life. Your voice in the slyness of daydreaming of a path to your heart. I sail on the river of love, for my love alone is coming home to be with my one true love. Your love is the handprint of my heart, a sacred covenant to my soul. You hear is the locket to my heart, and the capsoles that travels in the resonance of our love. You were there in my me of need to grow through the kindness of your heart. We had this thing called love that never felt the same because deep down in my heart I loved you more. 8 Affection My Heart Belongs How come loving you is so right But it feels so wrong If loving you is all I got With you, my heart belongs, yeah I’ll be loving you Until the river runs dry I fell in love and you can’t deny I love you with all that’s within me It has been a long time and I know change gone come someday. Yes, it will. It has been a long to me and I know change gone come someday. Yes, it will. I marked my name on the streets of anger and deception, the Tierny the hate and regret caught up in the system. We live this way, to survive, now because we have no choice in life. I was caught up in the struggle. Waning for the right women to be respected. 9 Devotion A lot of memories crossed my mind Of what our love had meant to you You were kind to me, there for me More mature than me I’m confused about who I am I do not understand, no When girls need to be loved by their sunshiny gave birth to, who they raised to be men, with hope their sons would bring to his family while loving other women and carrying the burden of providing for a family. Women done their purpose oof being respected to alienate against sexism. It's 'been a long time to me and I know change gone come someday. Yes, it will. It has been a long time and I know change gone come someday. Yes, it will. 10 Adoration Are you in love with me Won't you let me know How you feel for me What love’s supposed to mean Do you still feel this way I think I feel the same I think I feel the same Serveign Street 55Brown skin when it this begin I tell you all things and you know you let me in On long days, bad nights When I can’t even pretend don’t want our love to end Your smile, your face Drives me crazier by the day and I can’t erase how Your touch Feels like heaven, ah ah Brown skin love me till the end I don’t want our love to end I think I’m in love with you Brown skinI don’t know where we’ll go from here Just as long as you are near Im in love with you brown skin Here comes another one, one, one...brought up on the streets, with the gangs as your, two, three, willing to live or die. Risking life for an oath that we live by. To live within an image...down for whatever creed... until the day I die...the streets are on fire. Under false pretenses cause street life is a sentence. We all got a choice to live or die. We pay the price of life. Another one dies. Someday one of our own is gone as we let life pass over repeatedly. I pay the price of defying one's ignorance, that I can rise above it and make a difference. 11 Healing Love is neither angry nor sweetIt doesn’t melt or retreat It doesn’t break, or get harder Feel pain, yearning, or turn over Love, love, love… love is. .Love is not that easy I want, I want, to find the key I hope I am not a God as my witness I will make difference. Here comes another one, one, one... I grew up in The heart of the hero On the west side of west coast North side, up north South side, Dirty south East side, back east The streets were erect The poverty, the street gangs Living on disability In paint chipped housing Lawns unkept The needy were greedy Streets were filthy rich High on drugs Sex addicts addiction Drive byes addiction To meth, is but a dream From the ghetto Living life isn't what it seems High of the American dream The promise that one day I'll achieve at a success The threat of living of welfare 12 Grace My style is so clean I write words with meaning To hypnotic beatsThat’s what’s underneath My rhymes-- no, my flow You’re studying me, I know You’re feeling me, you not low I’m spitting words like woah (woah) I got plans, understand?But can’t catch my sleight of hand I’m blatantly biting you back I’m simply sampling the track What do you define A beat lesbian Who can't pay the rent to? The upkeep of a family unit A lesbian alone in this cold world Having to confront on her own in sexist world Living check to check Cannot make it on her own Selling everything she got to make ends meet dying of starvation It is never enough 13 Emulation My heart ruptures At the sound of heartbeats Against the tides of time You’re my only sense of peace Embrace each wave My thoughts engraved No empty space My thighs keep shaking Sounds invisible These moments seems so mythical It’s just the principle This love so unconditional It’s not the typical Perplexed as if it’s quizzical So not resistible This so nutritional It's been a long for me and I know change gone come someday. Yes, it will. It has been a long time for me and I know change gone come someday. Yes, it will. A yearning reality Evolving hope Limbering minds Demanding change the power, the money, polices Aadison that cripples the soul Selfemployment, ownership, bureaucracy Waning our voices headblocks, seconds, divisions Educating minds Crippling desire of needs of a lesbian lover... 14 Pleasures You and I felt the same, lived the same, not in vain Made some mistakes, needed a shoulder to cry on You were on your way, you told me to be strong In that I was never alone, because you cared When no one else did She was so beautiful but what. Can I over her? You say that you will love me forever but what about today? As the dusks become the dawns and the years pass on will you Love me the same? If so le us rejoice and batheing this constant pleasure. If not spare my heart today and I shall recover before forever and if my Doub Sand questions upset, you forgive my fragile heart. I waned to knows if you would love me forever before today. Would our love be unspoken? 10 11

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