Maybe Later | By: Kerry Kort | | Category: Short Story - Funny Bookmark and Share

Maybe Later

The job of undertaking the dead is a fun one. It takes a little patience, and hardly any skill. But there are two things you must never forget. The living and the dead, I know it's hard to tell the difference, but embalming someone who is alive will usually result in a lawsuit. Then you'll be asking God for a loan. But never mind that, I have developed a tip which will help you tell the difference. Someone who is alive has a heartbeat, and is almost always breathing. The deceased are usually motionless, but beware, a person who is in a coma may appear dead but they aren't. To make sure someone is dead, you can stab the person in the arm, and if their blood squirts out, they are alive. If their blood slowly oozes out, they are dead.
Learning the trade and starting your business is very easy. There are colleges and schools that offer trainging in funeral directing, but I think the best way to learn is to do it yourself. Just like my dad used to say, "A man can learn from others, but he will learn more from himself. Especially when he fucks himself."
Teaching yourself is simple. First you find a few corpses, preferably fresh ones. Older ones could carry a foul odor, and they might be maggot infested. Next you exchange their blood with embalming fluid, but in your case, water. The easiest way to do this is to jab a tube into the corpse's jugular vein. Then suck out their blood as if it were kool-aid, but remember to spit it out, swallowing it could lead to disease. After you have accomplished this you should work on making the corpse look presentable. But before you do this, I suggest you take a taste of their flesh. I think you will find its flavor exotic, and its texture pleasing.
When you start beautifying their face, you must work with great precision and care. The stitches must not be seen, and the eye lids can never come open. No one wants a peeping tom at a funeral. I usually sew the eye lids to keep them closed, but sometimes I use super glue. The glue is very strong and it keeps you from accidentally poking the eyeball and getting juices on your clothes.
After you have made the corpse's face as beautiful as that of a demon, you need to find clothes to put them in. Jeans and a T-shirt will work nicely. However, putting the clothes on the corpse may present a challenge. So i would recommend finding someone who could help you. I have learned throughout the years that almost anyone will volunteer to help you when they have a gun to their head. I'm not saying that you shold hold a .45 to their head, but maybe a squirt gun. Fear usually takes control over their minds and they can't tell the difference.
The last step is picking out a casket that will fit the corpse's body. If the corpse is going to be cremated, you should use a cheap wooden coffin. But if they are going to be buried, you should use a casket made of metal. These caskets help keep moisture and creatures away from the body. They also protect you from the dangerous aroma of decomposing flesh. When you find the perfect casket, you will have to find a burial site. This can be anywhere, but I like to use my backyard. After you have found the site, you need to dig and dig and dig. The casket should be at least six feet beneath the surface to keep it from rising back up and saying, "Hello!" Once you have the hole dug and the casket situated, you need to fill the hole back in. When you have everything covered, forget everything you have done.
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