I know Now.
I know now
My love tragedy
Lived and written by: Sarah K
I am sitting here writing this to you from the bed we shared, in the bedroom that was ours, in the house we bought to solidify our family. The strange part about it is that I am sitting here alone. I look around and I see the memories of all of the plans we made to fix it up and make it perfectly our home. I am brought back to a sudden reality and see that I have done it on my own. Thank you for giving me that experience.
I’ve told you the story so many times about the first time I saw you. You walked in front of me across that room with your confident strut. The same strut that now I have learned to run from.
I knew then that I loved you.
The whole room seemed to go silent as my heart beat out of my chest. I remember the boots you were wearing, I have known them to be the signature Carolinas. We didn’t actually meet that day, but I knew from that moment when I couldn’t get you out of my head, that I had to meet you, I had to know you.
Special days I will never forget: You walking into that house dressed in your red cut off t-shirt, khaki shorts, and yes… Carolinas. My God were you beautiful! You walked me out that day and you said good-bye with that sideways smile that made my heart melt every day for almost seven years. The same smile I have learned to see the real truth behind.
I knew then that I loved you.
Then IT happened: At that same house, you stood in front of me on that porch wearing a cut off “Biddy Basketball” T-shirt, oil stained cargo pants, and of course, the Carolinas. Your smile lit up the night, your laugh made me feel a pleasure I hadn’t felt ever before. You stood close to me, and with those magic words you said “I like your belt”. I looked up into those honey brown eyes so sweet yet so seductive. The same eyes I have learned to see a darkness and pain that makes me shudder with fear and sadness.
I knew then that I loved you.
May 3rd 2007- The first time we spoke on the phone. We talked, we laughed, we didn’t want to say goodbye. We spoke almost every day.
We knew then that we were in trouble.
May 11th 2007 Friday- You came to see me at home. We held each other all night kissing each other’s lips as if they had known this was where they were supposed to be.
I knew then that I loved you.
Saying goodbye was one of the hardest things. You spent the next week coming to see me at work, sneaking into empty rooms to just get what few moments we could. I can still remember the way you touched me just enough to leave me wanting more, the way you looked at me and smiled, the softness of your lips, and the way you smelled.
May 17th 2007 Thursday- we finally went to get that Chocolate peanut butter milkshake you teased me about. I remember feeling so free, so happy, and so right. Feelings I had searched for in so many others for so many years. That same night you made love to me for the first time.
I knew then that I loved you, and what love really was.
I knew you were what my heart and soul searched 30 years to find and become whole. The same heart you shattered beyond repair for the rest of my life. I knew I couldn’t let you go, but how? So we spent whatever hidden moments we could find seeing and talking to each other.
May 24th 2007 Thursday- you told me you thought you were falling in love with me.
May 24th 2007 Thursday- I told you I knew I had fallen in love with you.
May 26th 2007 Saturday- I stopped to see you. You looked at me with such desire and yet such sadness. You told me you needed me always, that you couldn’t go on “sharing”. That night I made the biggest lifetime decision I didn’t even know was possible. You were the other half of my soul, of me. I would never be able to live without you. Now… I am living just fine.
May 27th Sunday- I came to you, and never left.
I knew then that I loved you. I knew then that I would always love you.
I was so scared to say the least, so confused. I never thought I would find that and never thought it would be found in you. So young, so unknowing of real adulthood. My life was about to change forever and it was my own doing of wanting my own happiness. I got lost for a moment, fearful.
So… I tried to take my life.
I woke up and the only memory I have would be the calming sound of your strong, loving heartbeat. The same sound that is so distant now I can’t even remember it.
We knew it wouldn’t be easy, but we didn’t care we made it work. We were broke, stupid, and so madly in-love. We made love for hours, we laughed always, we talked, sometimes cried, we planned our future. You looked me in the eye during one of our talks, and you said to me “Promise you will never leave me no matter what, promise me you will never give up on me.” I promised that you would always be my forever.
I knew then that YOU loved ME.
That was a promise I kept for so long, a promise you made impossible for me to keep. The same promise that almost killed me. You gave me my ring and told me you wanted to be with me…forever. That I was the other half of your soul. The same ring that has left scars forever.
We spent two years loving, growing, learning, and even fighting. We always knew we loved and had each other. We moved forward, we found our home!
August 13th 2009- we signed and were handed our keys to our future! The same keys that destroyed us. We spent weeks starting to fix it up so we could begin our life and our family. We were happy, and so excited.
September 24th 2009- The day that changed us forever. The day that destroyed everything we fought for, every moment we shared, all the “I love you” we exchanged, and just like that, every dream we planned became an illusion.
I knew then that you didn’t love me.
I felt a pain I could never have imagined. Part of me died that day. The other half of my soul had once again disappeared. There was a darkness so frightening, an emptiness so deep I didn’t know how I would ever breathe again. I couldn’t live without you!
I knew then that I loved you!
September 29th 2009- I tried to take my life that day.
How could I live in all that pain? Nothing would make it go away. The thought of never touching you, holding you, looking into your eyes, or hearing your heartbeat was more than my empty soul could bare. The same thoughts now that became reality, and I am living.
We struggled for 8 weeks to know if we belonged together. We stood strong and moved forward.
We knew then that we loved each other.
April 2010- We did it! We moved in! It was the beginning of our dreams! Instead it was the beginning of a nightmare.
It was then I knew our love would never be the same.
So many things occurred leading up to this point. So many tears, so many lies, so many broken promises, so many bitter words, and even a few hits. Where did we go? We should’ve known when we couldn’t look at each other without doubt, that it was over. How do you say good bye to half of you?
I knew then I could love enough for both of us. I know now that is impossible.
January 12th 2011- You walked out our front door and didn’t “return” until April 5th 2012. You found something else, something you thought better.
You knew then that you would never love me again.
No matter the day or nights you would come to me throughout, somewhere deep inside you knew you let go. Somewhere deep inside I knew I lost you. I didn’t want to face it, I couldn’t admit it. I would not let go without a fight. I needed you to see that we were destined to be together. The same destiny that has us separated forever. You said you knew and you came home.
You knew then you had to convince yourself that you loved me.
We both know if it takes convincing, it’s not real. You grew to resent me. I unknowingly grew to resent you too. The lies, the cheating, the fights, the pain (dear god the pain). We stayed in our comfort zone maybe out of fear, for a while. Then that part of you that knew the truth, came back out.
December 28th 2013- You walked out our front door and didn’t “return” until November 4th 2014. You found something else, something you thought better.
It was then I knew you wanted to love me. It was then you knew I didn’t completely love you.
I remember thinking that maybe somewhere through all the years, through all the pain that maybe we really were each other’s other half. Part of me fought because part of me lost faith.
December 9th 2014 7:00am- I looked into your eyes and saw a look I hadn’t seen in many years.
I knew then that we loved each other.
I loved you again, whole heartedly. I loved you enough to forgive you. I loved you enough to start over. I knew then you were my complete soul.
December 9th 2014 10:30pm- You walked out our front door and will never return. You destroyed the person I was. You stole every piece of trust, faith, and goodness I held in my heart.
I knew then there was no such thing as love.
You taught me to hate, to feel pain and betrayal to the fullest. To suffer loss on so many levels. You taught me to give up on love it’s not real anyway.
January 28th 2015- I sit and I remember, not all of that, but that you taught me how to become strong. You taught me how to survive. You taught me to how to get to know me.
I know now that I love ME!