Depress-a-cise | By: Scott mathews | | Category: Short Story - Funny Bookmark and Share


(another day in paradise…on the couch) imagine that this is said all sarcastically, like; another day *sigh* in paradise…on the couch. Yep, you’re laying down on the couch, there’s no sound, and your reality is throbbing with dullness. Your mind is saying grab a Hustler, spit on your dick, rub your balls, and let the masturbating times roll, but your body doesn't want to move, you don’t even want to get up and piss. Your bladders all stretching out like a balloon, but you don’t seem to be bothered. Every time you move, it just contributes more to the wicked state of mind your in. Anxiety races through your veins, your hearts thumping. Faster and faster. Faster and faster. Oh, wait a minute, hahaha, your not dying. It’s just our good ol’ pal... panic attack, and it’s up to it’s hilarious shenanigans again. You know, of course, there are numerous ways to shake this annoying (yet cruelly funny) mood. Obviously, you could ride your bike along the horizon of the setting sun, you could call a buddy over to play some ping pong, check out some internet porn, decide whether to make kiwi-strawberry or electric blue kool-aid, but sometimes life calls for a little bit more excitement. Just the kind of excitement that brings out your best side. Yea, you know what’s up. Oh yea, taking out the trash. That’s what the fuck is up, baby! Hell yea, there‘s nothing like taking out some trash to spice up your soul. Nice, your up and on your way. Now you want to play it cool, but remember to use your brain. first things first. You’re going to need to pack the overflow down for easy closure (you don’t want to get any garbage on the floor because you‘ll have to clean it up later -remember, use your brain). As your doing this, use your eyes to estimate the level of the trash. You want to line this up with the top of the garbage bag. Now this could get a little tricky, just make sure to take it nice and easy. There you go, now your winning! This part can be a little tougher. But using proper ergonomics it can be accomplished safely. Alright, your going to want to hold the container sturdy while you slowly ease the filth bag out. You can do this by using one hand on the garbage can, and with the other hand gather the top of the bag up into a clump (it should sort of resemble a half blooming black flower [color may vary] at the top) o.k. Now pull it up. Right on. Perfect. That’s it buddy, right about now you can start feeling it. Just take the two sides of the bag and tie them together in a traditional style knot. Lift, and your out the door. Awesome, toss it in and... yes! That was great. You’ll probably feel pretty terrific by now, maybe even a little proud. Like you have balanced the harmony of the universe. You’ll be able to flow though the rest of the day completely worry free. Ya’ know, you can’t always tell the difference between someone who takes out the trash and someone who doesn’t. But they know, they know it on the inside. -end

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