LOOKING AT THE SEA AND THINKING
THE SEA AND THE PAST
Standing here looking out the window at the beautiful sea.Wondering
all about life.Past going through my mind.All the people i've lost some still
here.It feels like yesterday i can still remember my dad.That sweet man.He was
a schizophenic.He killed himself when i was a little girl.i was just eleven.
I remember him and wish he was alive.I look out the window and wish he
was still here.It really does not matter who i become who i am or how
much i have that wound will never heal.I put on a smile for the world
and i am all sparkly but from inside i know i'm crying .That wound will
never heal.Then theres betrayel and family drama.
All alone with no one but have everything.Cant love a diamond
and cant be loved by one.Silently keep my pain inside and put on this smile.
My beautiful mother always to busy in society.No one to be with am all
alone.The wind on the window gets cooler so i shut it and sit on a chair
and remember about my recent past.
My mother the only person i trust in hospital having an
emergency operation.I was standing outside the INTERSIVE CARE UNIT and
looking in and seeing this very beautiful and nice lady my mother on the
ventilator.It was not known if she will survive or no for ten days because
her respirotery system had collapsed.She did make it.Sitting here am wondering
whats life all about.
I've seen so many people die due to different reasons.
i cant understand it all. I still put on my beautiful smile and steal peoples
hearts away.I know i'm a survivor.I know i'll be the one alive till the end.
Its hard to see people you care for somuch leave and go away so far that you can
never reach them and never hear them.I know where i come from people
think oh!i have everything and oh!i am someone.Its not that way.I think people
have more than i can ever have.A room full of people you love and care for are
more priceless than a room full of things.
I've lost so many people how can i love again.Am to scared to
really love.Not that i havnt been loved but that wounding that scare from inside
keeps me and my heart aloof.I get up from the chair go back to the window its really
late at night i can see the city lite up and the shadow of the moon on the sea.
It all looks so beautiful.The lovely breeze on my face,the salty relaxing air caressing
me gently.I've come this far with everything and with nothing .I'm relaxing
a bit for a while wondering what life has further.Hoping my mother
will be totally healthy soon and we can be a little happy again.Looking
at the sea and i am sure of one thing its not all this money and
perfection thats important its the people you love and care for.I know
about these things the best cause i have really seen life.
I walk to the mirror look at myself and look at myself i
see a beautiful girl with a beautiful smile but the hurt only i can see in my eyes.
No one can see the hurt no one can see the broken wounds left from far behind
but me.They see a strong beautiful sophisticated lady.A go getter.Honestly
i look at myself and laugh and laugh a little more on people as people want
to be beautiful and happy like me.If they only knew i want to be just
like one of them .I wanna be loved i want to love.I move away from the
mirror and go back to my favorite window and look at the sea again and this
time a little tear escapes my eyes.I wipe it away and tell my self i'm
silly and remind myself that i have to be strong not for myself but
for a lot of other people.
I know i have to be strong and survive it all and
go ahead.I feel the cold air on my shoulders and face it makes me feel
really better.I realize that nothing is really in my hands.I remember
the days i stood outside the intensive care unit when my mother was there
i felt so helpless i could could not do a thing.Had to just wait.Again realized
that no matter what you have no matter who you know you cant do anything.
I look again at the sea and them put my head up and look at the stars
and wonder whats life all about.How things happen and how the stars stay
in the sky without falling of.
Its really sad to know nothing is forever nothing is
permaneant.Its all all about destiny.I look at the sea again my favorite
thing .I see the waves splashing the shore.I smile to my self and i know
that once again everything will be behind me and life will be happy again.
And i laugh at the people who want it all leaving the people they love
behind them.I look at the sea one last time before i sleep and remember
how strong i am and iknow i'll cope with destiny again and move ahead
like i always do.And i know my mothers going to be ok now and so am
i and so are my really destressed and distured friends.And i know i'm
going to go back out there and make the most of my life cause
i know that there r two hidden treasures i found out about one is the
people we care and love the most and the second is time .
Going to put on a smile this time next morning cause i
once again feel a little relaxed and at peace.And somehow i'm going to be
the one who is going to survive and live a happy life hopefully .......