An Unhappy New Year
Unbearable pain. That's what I'm feeling tonight. An ache so deep in my heart that I just want to curl up into a ball, and die. Why is love so difficult? Or should I say, why is it so hard to let myself love and be loved? "I'm not coming back, I'm going to die so I hope you'll be happy" He screamed through his tears, as I closed his car door and he sped away. To where, I don't know. This fight was our most painful and disturbing one yet. I thought he'd driven off to kill himself. That was his plan. I thought I'd never see him again. I put the kids in my car, and set off in the rain to find him.
I didn't know where to look for him. I drove up and down country roads almost hoping I wouldn't find him. How do I explain to my two young children why he drove off crying and wrecked his car. Intentionally.. and I'm to blame.
My cell phone rang. It was him. He was home. He said he couldn't do it... he wasn't brave enough to take his own life. I'm not worth it anyways.
How do we fix this? How CAN we fix this? Should we even try anymore? I just don't know what's right.. my head, or my heart.
He has bruises on his chest. My heart is breaking.
Unbearable pain... again.