Nuts | By: Jesus Rey Maglonzo | | Category: Short Story - Funny Bookmark and Share


23 December 2001


Written by Jesus Rey G. Maglonzo

I live at my friendfs house with his wife for nine months and they considered me as a family member. They were married for three months before I came to live with them. I was very lucky that they gave me a comfortable space in their house – his sisterfs bedroom. Pelipefs sister was Sonia and she was working at Manila and she only visits them once in a year so, I can stay there for as long as she would not settle back here. I worked in their farm, feeding the hogs and chickens, to give them a lot of time for their honeymoon and to pay for my stay.

One night, Pelipe was very troubled and disoriented – he said he was going to make a cup of coffee but I saw him pouring the pesticide on his mug. I rushed to his side and took the poison away from his reach and caught his back with my arms. "Next time, invite me when you drink – not pesticide but beer!" Pelipe was flapping his arms as if he can fly against his fall. "You do not know what," Pelipe coughed violently then breathe a large volume of air before he continued, "I am going through."

Two more cases and we already filled-up a bathtub of beer. I was not drinking but swimming that my vision was starting to see waves of the sea. "Pelipe, tell me your story!"

"Simon, my trusted friend, I want you to be the father of my son!" Pelipe quickly swallowed another drink and he laughed, "Hahahahaha!"

"Hahaha!" I courteously laughed, "Are you pregnant?"

"Itfs time to be more serious, Simon." Pelipe was drunk but his eyes were as open as the hunterfs eyes. He was quiet for a moment but the silence was crashing my ears and made me uneasy.

"Are you alright?" I was playing innocent with him, "you know me so much, I will never do anything wrong to you."

"You damn idiot!" He was merciless with another beer and drank it all up. He was reaching something from his back and I saw it shined through my eyes. I was shocked when he shoved it to my chest and knocked my back on the floor.

"What is this for?" I was catching my breath.

"That money is for you, take it!"

"What for?"

"I canft make a child, and-" The tears started to fall, "it is you who can take the place."

"I can not do that-" Pelipe cut him, "we want to have a happy family! And you are the one who could make it for us. You!"

"What is this money for?"

"To do it and forget about what happened. Also, for you to have your own house in Manila."

"But you saved this money for so very long! Sorry, but I will not do it."


The room was dark and the place was eerie that my knees were starting to tremble. I feared the bed but it was lovely and seducing and it continued to move towards me. It was covered with an ivory statue lying down restlessly, rolling from one side to the other. From the window, the shadow of the moon was approaching the sculptorfs masterpiece. The sculpturefs name was Kuring – her beauty cannot be described by her name. I cannot refuse the goddess, the beauty she owns was now revealed upon a childfs request to see the world. These eyes I doubted to own were looking on her defenseless skin, exposing more and more of her unshielded body.

I placed my hand on her mouth and breathe those words to her ears, "You donft have to say anything or do anything just relax and it will all be over." I broke into her and made it as fast as I could but it took almost quarter of an hour. She took the painful part and I was more than satisfied. She was crying when doing it, so, I covered her mouth the whole time.

The other day, Pelipe slammed me to the wall. "You sadistically abused my wife! Go, go now!" I was speechless so I ran away from them knowing nothing of my misdeed. For five years, I was disturbed by the memory of that enigmatic end.

The doctor was interested with the story but the next patient was waiting, "Simon, I want to hear your story but the time is running out."

"Give me a minute," Simon continued, "just last month I saw them with six children and they approached me and begged for my forgiveness."

Simon was starting to laugh violently and the doctor calmed him. "Why are you laughing?"

"He said sorry!" Simon continued to laugh.

"What do you mean?" The doctor was puzzled the way Simon frowned.

"I was the first one to crack his wifefs peanut!"


"They were so stupid to make the baby in a wrong hole."

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